El Salvador... abre mi corazon

Grateful for the miracle that is every moment

2012-01-26T22:40:00.000-08:00

Im drinking hot chocolate out of my "Aint Nothin Gonna Break My Stride" mug that Mindy got me for graduation. Dude.. it just has so much meaning.

It was one of those days. And sometimes I think, its really just one of those lives.. in the most beautiful of ways. You just gotta keep truckin through it all.

I dont know if Im supposed to write in this blog anymore. I feel weird not writing about Chris and Santos and Reina, and not having everyday rock my world to the point that I know no other option than to write and share and let the world into that adventure. I dont know what Im supposed to write about. And I know Im not supposed to write about anything, Im just supposed to let it flow and put my thoughts on this screen and you all can do with it what you will.

Im trying to figure out how to live in this world. And I am surrounded by so much love. This morning I woke up to two emails showering me in love from two oh so very special people. My dear Diana whose presence I miss so dearly at SCU and my second mama Betsy who I also miss so much. They started my day out with such grace, let me step a little lighter and feel a little more of that groundedness in love that I knew and loved so much in the last weeks in El Salvador.

But living in this world is up and down. Some moments I feel completely able and ready to take on the world. And others I feel a little empty and a little overwhelmed. Today, the combination of feeling a little anxious and dearest Juancito's continued wisdom I stopped and looked at that feeling. This lifestyle is so fast and busy and competitive. And in El Salvador we were just being. It was busy but it was busy with learning about ourselves and the world, listening and sharing stories and just learning to love. Here is is busy with finding jobs, doing homework, studying for tests, searching for internships, and sometimes I just feel like Im constantly running to catch up. It feels like a lot of pressure and trying to be the best and work the hardest and make enough money and have enough free time and exercise enough. When really.. just being here in this life is enough.

I am so privileged to be peer educating in life writing, the class that was so very healing for me while I was in El Salvador. I have a familia of students who I get to create and a hold a space for writing, healing and sharing, and I get to continue the process with them, even if they might not know that. And while we were meditating to start out the class I looked at that anxious feeling and thought about my familia writing and sharing their most difficult moments. And I realized that all of that catching up and running and being enough.. it doesnt really matter, especially if I can stay grounded in what does matter. And what does matter is their difficult and joyful moments, is where our hearts are, good friendships, quality conversations, learning and staying grounded. The same things that were so easy to matter in El Salvador, must be made a priority here everyday, cause its too easy to get caught up and knocked down by all the trying to be enough or be the best and all the chaos of running to catch up.

I dont know where this is going. But I am grateful. Grateful for the immense amount of love that is in my life. Grateful for the chance to feel overwhelmed and for the millions of opportunities that are swirling around in my head. I am grateful for old friendships and new owns. For Casa citas through skype and the phone and the life that they bring me. The wisdom and love that flows so freely from my Romero family and has taught me how to love. For the most amazing friends here who are secretly planning something for my birthday that I know will be wonderful. For Casa and bringing to me a place that this reality is hard in a different way and for its teaching me to know what keeps me grounded and what should be a priority. And what it feels like to live in that groundedness of love and peace and fulfillment... and what it doesnt feel like and ways to get back there.

I am so grateful. For the miracle that is figuring out the ups and downs of this life. And continuing to stride. And having that experience so close to my heart.

And for remembering that "You are the sky, everything else, its just weather"

So... what now

2011-12-21T14:46:00.000-08:00

Im home... a week ago I was getting on a plane leaving the country that stole my heart with tears in my eyes.. full of so much love and life and equally exhausted.

Now Im sitting on my couch with the flu watching every video I can possibly find that is Casa related with tears in my eyes. Oh how I miss it.

So what do I do with these past 4 months now? When the few people who are brave enough to ask, I dont even know where to start. Do I talk about the women of Cedro that rocked my world, the kiddos and their beautiful little brown eyes, the pain, struggle, poverty that is so livable because of their faith and optimism. Or the war, the martyrs, the horrible ways that the U.S. was involved.. and the horrible ways we continue to oppress the people of El Salvador and so many other countries around the world? Or do I talk about Casa Romero and the love, support, healing, learning and growth that happened within that sweet little house. There is just so much that Im not even sure Ive processed myself yet, let alone am able to regurgitate in a somewhat nicely wrapped package. I want so badly to share.. but right now I havent figured out the trick yet.

Being home is interesting. Partly cause Ive been sick, partly cause its Leadville and there arent many other options without a car and partly because Im feeling extremely apathetic I have barely left this house. I finally got to see the Leadville crew and it was so great to see them.. but I would be lying if I said I was completely present and not thinking about Salvador so much. I dont know how to bring this home yet, how to live it in this context. It was really easy to live it there.. to love so hard, to recieve love, to be aware of the reality and to never loose perspective. And I know the point of it all is the challenge of bringing it home, but I havent figured out how to live it without Casa Romero, without 25 other students around me to help me be better. Without Cedro twice a week to fill me with love and remind me whats important in this world. And I know it...like everyone says.. you cant not know what you now know. So what is it that I know.. I know that the commercials drive me crazy, I cant understand why anyone would ever need the ridiculously expensive things that they are trying to convince us we need, I know that when I go searching for more blankets cause Im sick, I think of the families during the rain having no way to get more blankets, I know that I have no desire to go shopping, that I am trying to figure out where I will ever buy clothes again knowing how unjust the factories are. I know all the stuff in my room and this house seems absolutely rediculous.

I also know something new about love and being human and having hope... but Im not sure where those feelings are right now.

So I decided I would find them in all things El Salvador. So I watched Father Mark talk about the Martyrs, and Quentins video about Dean and Claire's video shes been showing people at home.
And I felt those things again.. I cried seeing faces that I love so much, and already miss more than I knew was possible. I cried at the reminder of the life that they gave me.
And to see Father Mark talk about El Salvador with so much poise and grace outside of the Casa context.. he showed me its possible, and its ok to use these words. He talked about how the Salvadorans humanize the martyrs.. and oh how they humanize everyone. They so taught me what it means to be human.. without any possessions and pride and all the messy stuff that gets in the way. Just in life.. of pain and struggle but also of joy and so much hope. They taught me to keep going, to keep loving, and to share in this life. He showed Lupita talking, one of our cooks, and filled me with her love and wisdom just through that one little video clip. And talked about the vigil... and took me back to that whole body peace I felt that night.. that somehow this all makes sense.. and all we can do is keep loving, thats really what they taught me. Then he showed a students praxis project from a few years back... the project is to the song Hallelujah and shows through the eyes of her site, the Salvadorans, the Casa students that it really is "It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah"And that is so what they taught us.. this life is so many things.. it hurts and it throws you around and it doesnt make sense.. but in so many ways in makes a lot of sense and is so full of grace and life.

And I needed that reminder. I needed to feel that. And I need to know that is true here too.. and that this life even though it seems a little slower, a little less inspiring than the Salvadorans.. is so full of grace, beauty, love and life. And I need to embrace it. I need to stop being so apathetic and bored and find the things that make me feel.. starting with those videos.. but really the things that are right here. The friends and the beauty and life that is so here.. and that I have to stop minimizing. So I need to find the balance.. of being in touch with El Salvador.. and letting it stay alive in me, and using the reminders I need, but also embracing that I am here now, and just as we were taught to be present there, I have to be present here because life cannot stop after El Salvador. I will continue missing it, cause these last 4 months were the best of my entire life, but I have to hold it in me, for Santos and little Christopher, for Kenya and Lidia and Tomas and so many names I could list that gave me life, so I have to keep finding life.

Heres to the challenges of reverse culture shock, of reentry, of trying to figure it out. To knowing new things, and to holding onto those, no matter the context.

<3

P.S. Here is the link to the video on the martryrs.. SO worth watching to get another glimpse into El Salvador
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8miciR0MrI&feature=youtu.be

Whats the end gonna look like?

2011-12-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

Im not sure if these words will come how I want them to... I just know that I never want to forget these moments, this feeling, this love.

I started packing today. Checking final project and papers off the list one by one. And our despidida (goodbye party) is tomorrow. Ouch

We have been closing up everything so beautifully. Sharing parts of our autobiographies to the flickering light of candles til 2 in the morning, affirming each other and yesterday a beautiful morning with our final projects for liberation theology. The feeling inside me is affirming all that has come from this experience..I feel strong, I feel whole, full of love but still raw and vulnerable.. with some walls pulled down, something I hope I can hold onto. There are parts of me that are excited to go home, to see all of you wonderful people, to lay in my bed for as long as I want and to just be in the comfort of home. But leaving has already started to hurt and I really dont know how to say goodbye to these people and this experience. I know it will forever be in my heart but I have been the most alive, so very loved and grown so much in the last four months its hard to think of life outside of here. But we are soaking it up and trying to take every minute for what it is...

Here is the ending of my autobiography just for a little glimpse into my heart :) See you soon!

“Whats the ending gonna look like?” This is the ending. Candles flickering, minutes on the clock tick by, but what is time anymore? What is sleep? Its two am on Saturday, I’ve been awake but one hour since six am Thursday. But I am running on something. Energy runs through my blood… part peaceful and full, part anxious and scared to be empty.

Finding myself in these sacred spaces again and again. Romero community night record, we sat in a circle with our hands touching the person being affirmed until 3:25am. One by one we made our way into the middle of the circle. Affirmations came free and genuinely, from a place deep inside, a love that has built over 4 months that sometimes feels like a life time. We were full and connected when the night came to its long end, this community has learned to love, to be vulnerable and to give so hard. I never want to let go.

I woke up after an hour of sleep. Put on my favorite skirt. Casi floor length, quilted with different patterns, colors, lines, life’s, together into something beautiful. Today I want to feel good. I am sleep deprived and I haven’t kept food down for four days, El Salvador does that to you. But I am alive and time is running out and I want to soak it all in. We hurry down to the UCA, that jittery groggy feeling when you don’t sleep enough leaves the busses and cars burling down the road more dangerous.

Peggy has talked about this project from the beginning. “Show us how you have been liberated” do something creative. “Michelle, you’re up” I felt the nerves, shakily introducing this poem, the way this experience has liberated me. I stood up there and listened to Peggy’s advice “Just breathe and speak loud” I stood in front of the class and spoke my soul, the pain, the confusion, the beauty. Becoming a woman through the models of my mother and now the mothers of Cedro. Becoming a woman through me. I felt strong, confident and whole in my being. Like I needed to say those words to empower myself.

Project after project blew me away, the incredible individuality of these amazing humans, the myriad of ways this experience has changed us, liberated us, given us a sense of life we have never felt before. Songs, mosaics, paintings, poems, raps and decorated mirrors, all these ways to express what we have found in El Salvador.

Margot made her way to the front of the room, sick and miserable but ready to speak her truth. “I wrote my first poem so bear with me” It seemed like a poem that had come from years and years of practice, beautiful, painful and full of truth. My eyes were full of water all morning, but her words gave the tears permission to fall. I came to El Salvador with a best friend I had only known for a year, someone who knew me better than anyone in the world and as she talked about her pain my heart broke and soared in the same moment. She talked about the pain with her dad, trying to figure out what suffering is and knowing only that we cant hold it in, we have to let it fly. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I had no control over the tears that were falling from my eyes. Seeing her liberation made me see mine, I looked around the room at these people who have become family and felt a pain for their pain. It seemed to all hit me in that moment and more tears fall than I have allowed to fall this whole experience. They fall for my pain, for her pain and for all of your pain. They fall for this country, the fear we cannot ignore as we leave it behind, broken, violent, poor. They fall in joy and gratitude to come here and touch pain, to share pain, to love, to find life and to come to this moment. They fall in a fear to let go of this love and life that I have found here yet in an amazement of the liberation, strength and empowerment I have found in this place. They fall from a woman, not a little girl, who has touched your pain and can touch hers

mujeres con fuerza y familia de amor

2011-12-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

I wish I had the time, the energy, the emotional stability to write a blog post everyday. I wish I would have and I wish I could in the next 10 days.. but I guess if I had enough time for that I wouldn’t be being fulled to the brim with love and life and learning. So.. I have a few things.

First… women. Last Wednesday at Cedro I had a game changing day. I had three really special moments with three really beautiful, strong, incredible women that have taught me something I have been searching for. I cant quite say they gave me an answer but they sparked some sort of movement inside me. These women are the strongest I have ever known, not because they are outspoken or because they are the most “successful” or have the most knowledge.. but maybe that is why. Really its because they live through conditions that we could never imagine day after day after day and they don’t see a way out but they never let that stop them from trying to make their lives and their kids lives better. They are the most faithful human beings I know, never letting suffering have the last say in their lives. Still there is more, suffering does not paralyze them but it also is not pushed under the rug as something meaningless, weak or to be forgotten. They feel it, they share it and they grow from it. They take the shitty conditions they are born into and they keep on walking forward, keep on showing up, keep on loving unconditionally and keep on believing that they will survive. And for that reason they survive. Their tears have taught me so much, that tears and pain and suffering and sharing and being vulnerable… are so ok and so vital to this life and so parallel and one with joy. They have taught me that joy and love are also vital but that they come more naturally than I knew before, and that they are unending and important and so important to be shared. These women have empowered me to continue searching for the line between never letting my suffering stop me from wanting more and never forgetting or diminishing the importance of it. They have showed me how to feel, love, heal, sigue adelante, celebrate and live in this life that is so many things that we will never understand. And for them I am enternally grateful.

Next… I don’t think I have written much about the amazing family that has nurtured me for the past four months right here in my own home. I am surrounded my 12 people that listen, laugh, hurt and smile together through all the ups of downs of the world and each individual. We have watermelon rind food fights at the dinner table, do pranks at two in the morning, open our souls to each other, let each other cry, laugh harder than I ever have, carol, cuddle, listen and just live in the most wonderful way together. Tuesday night we went caroling to the other houses, Thursday for community night we shared about the joyful and painful moments, the people that this experience has enshrined in our hearts and the ways in which this experience has liberated us. We sat in pairs with candles, in hammocks staring at the stars and scattered around the house listening and reminiscing together about how absolutely vital this experience has been to our lives being fuller. We talked about being scared to go home, to leave this comfort and to let go of these people who have become the most amazing family. This experience is so much about them and I really do not have a clue what it will be like to live without them in ten days. But for those ten I will enjoy every single moment with them.

Third.. we went to the beach this weekend and I just need to say that I love the beach, the ocean, water, nature and really just life. Emily sat next to me today as we laid in the black sand and said “How is this my life” but actually this country is just absolutely beautiful, a different kind of beautiful than the many other beautiful places I have been blessed to have a part of my soul. The ocean is big and powerful but also so peaceful and so much fun. I could listen to the waves crash for hours and I could swim in them at any time of day and just be the happiest. I was raised as a water baby and I love it.. I thought of Michigan and freezing California beach trips and just soaked it up. Cause this was our last free weekend in El Salvador.

Next week we start our goodbyes. And oh is it going to hurt. When I think about it intellectually I know it is time to go home and take this experience into reality. I know that I am so excited to be there, to see my friends and be with my family and in the comforts of snow falling, tea, hot tubs, skiings, and then Santa Clara loving. But my heart cant quite intellectualize it as well and when I think of it with my heart it just breaks. I know I will be ok, I know there is so very much to look forward to, but this place has gotten into the depths of my soul. And I am going to miss it and these people so so very much.

So Im gonna keep saying it.. I will soak up the next ten days and carry them with me in my heart forever and ever. <3

Grateful

2011-11-29T09:12:00.001-08:00

As I lay in bed reading “Where is God” and trying to compartmentalize how I will get everything that I need to done I cannot help but think how little time we have left here. My room is so cozy, so mine, so exactly how I want it, and in less than two weeks I will have to pack it all up and leave, not just this room, this house, this community, but this entire country. And those words hurt my heart more than I ever thought they would, they dig deep, bring tears to my eyes and make me want to curl up and avoid reality for as long as I can.

Sister Peggy said it, and my mom, so motherly repeated it, “You just have to be grateful for this experience”… despite the slight defense that comes o (I am grateful but that wont make me miss them less) I get it. And I am incredibly grateful. And last week was Thanksgiving. And I have so much I need to say, and only can think of how little time I have left to say it.

My family came to El Salvador. Mom, Jesse and Kylie. They came to praxis, we went to the volcano, the UCA, the Cathedral, Romero dinner and other fun stuff in between. We had wonderful conversations, about poverty in El Salvador, about healing and about wedding plans.

I cant believe they were here and now they are gone. I am so incredibly grateful they were able to come, to see this world, this family, this me that has come out of all this. And I guess when I think about it that’s really the most important. Jesse and Kylie got it, they dove right in and listened and watched and questioned. And mom was here, the first time ever with a passport, opening her eyes a little wider, loving on me, and doing her best to understand. Right now it doesn’t seem life shattering but I think when I look back on this experience and the fact that they were able to come I will jump for joy.

The most special moment was Tuesday night at Spirituality Night. At first I sat next to Jesse and Kylie worrying that it would be akward.. that maybe we should have skipped this. We read a poem about gratitude, had some time to think and write and then could share if we wanted. I really didn’t know what to expect and all three of them left me with tears streaming down my face. Tears do not fall from my eyes open in public, when I went to Santa Clara it was like my tear ducts were dried up and fully equipped to keep it all deep inside. Even with all the healing and honesty that has happened here I just don’t cry a lot. I cried the most Ive cried in a reflection here after each of them shared. They all talked about being here with me, family, and Jesse said “to see the love and growth that is in you” and I buried my head in my knees and cried.

I wrote love in the center of my leaf of gratitude and I wasn’t even sure why. But as I watched my mom, my brother and my soon to be sister in law express their gratitude for me, each other and this life, I realized that love really is the base of it all, the base of continuing, the base of happiness. I cannot say that the past twenty years have been easy, there were hard and painful times, sometimes it seemed like there was nothing else to do other than survive, I was angry, sad, hurt and so many things. But since forever I was full to the brim with love, a love that left me hanging on in the pain and confusion, that allowed me to trust that things would turn out ok, that let there be sunshine at the end of the rainstorm.

A love that got me here to this place where I have learned even more about love. I have plenty of days left and I want to be right here in every moment of those days left. For my praxis project I did a video about Christopher, the 3 year old who has taught me so much about love. From the community that has allowed me to feel and in turn to heal.

My heart is full of emotions that I don’t quite know how to organize, ones Im not sure if I should feel or not feel, one so much that I need time to process. For now though I am so incredibly thankful my family was able to come visit me, to see this world, the whitness the chaos of this house, the beauty of that itty bitty Canton that has broke open my heart, and hopefully to get a glimpse of something that has built inside me in the last 3 and a half months.

I am grateful for the love, support, life I have found here. And more than anything I am grateful that its not over yet.

Day 3: accepting not understanding and living in love

2011-11-13T10:48:00.001-08:00

Buenos Dias world.

Its been a while… we have been running non stop here and in the midst of it it felt like nothing big was really happening but it has been such a special two weeks.

My heart is so deeply rooted in this place and as I have told my family at Cedro, “quiero quedar aqui por el resto de mi vida”… I wanna stay here forever.

The last two weeks have been crazy busy but have been full of celebration, love, time with the becarios and trying to find a place for the suffering of the rain and the weeks before vacation inside my head and heart.

This country knows how to celebrate and it is such a beautiful thing.

Wednesday after vacation was Dia de los Disfuntos and at first we thought we would have to take the day of praxis. Schools are closed, people don’t have to work and everyone goes with their family to visit the loved ones that have passed away. Then Santos, the main woman at the Comedor who is like a wonderful mother to us, invited us to join her family, such a special invitation. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. On the way to the cemetery the roads were packed with vendors selling flowers, paint, food and all sorts of decorations. We walked into the cemetery and I had never seen any thing like it. The whole cemetery was overflowing with people, loud and a little chaotic but such a special celebration. It was so different than anything I have ever seen at home but so amazing. Death is painful and somber but it is also celebrated, life is celebrated and loud and bright and talked about. It was such a special thing to be a part of and just another reminder of how well in touch this country with the juxtaposition of suffering and beauty, pain and celebration… the truth that makes up life that we so often hide from at home.

Saturday night we celebrated Suzy (one of the becario’s) graduation. Heidi and Grace’s house was lit by Christmas lights and candles and filled with us, becarios and family and friends. We ate and people said a few words to Suzy, congratulating her and explaining to the rest of us how special she is and we finished the night dancing, a million times more comfortable then we were dancing at our welcome party two and a half months ago. I didn’t even really know Suzy before and almost didn’t go but spent the night feeling so connected and part of such a wonderfully special family that we have created here. It was such an important celebration and such a huge success for Suzy and for the whole becario family. Going to university is not an automatic obvious next step here and graduating is even more special. Something that means a lot of hard work, sacrifice and commitment that the becarios show us everyday. We came home and sat together wishing we never had to go home, this place is special in ways that I cant even describe but can feel in my veins day after day.

Sunday we got up early to go visit Rigo’s house. One of the two becarios that live with us. We were tired and a little resistant to another long day but it turned out to be so special. We met his family, saw his home and drove up to the coffee factory that he worked at some before coming to the capital to study. We were riding in the back of a pick up truck overlooking the beautiful green mountainous landscape that is El Salvador and I was just amazed by this life. A feeling that keeps coming back to me this last couple weeks. How on earth am I in El Salvador with a group of people that has become family, speaking Spanish and seeing the reality of people that are so close to me and have come from lives that in some ways are so different than mine.

We just read Holy the Firm for Praxis, a book by Annie Dillard that at first I whined to Quentin about not understanding but now cant not stop thinking about it. The book is short and sweet and describes three days which she considers Gods. Each day is her journey of understanding this world. First she is young, maybe slightly naïve and just breath taken by the beauty of this world. The second day she starts to question everything, things whatever higher power there is is nothing but a power loving flame that has no interest in the well being of the people and on the third day she starts to see the world a little differently, from a place of a little more balance and wholeness. I think life is a continous back and forth of seeing life through all these views and in this experience it has been so relevant. When I stood on the back of that pick up truck I was in day one, so incredibly taken by this life in all its beauty and the ability of humans to be connected by love despite the layers and layers of differences.

Yesterday was the Vigil for the six jesuits that were killed in 1989. A huge blow to the faith, hope and struggle of this country for justice and equality during the brutal civil war. The people of this country are so greatly effected and deeply pained by this loss it is something that will stay with them for as long as they live, and hopefully will continue to inspire generations behind them who have only heard the stories. We knew it would be a big day but I had no idea how amazing it would be. It started with a soccer tournament that I secretly hoped would end after one lost game so I could spend the day exploring the other fun stuff that was happening. We ended up winning two games and both of our own Casa women’s teams played against each other for the championship. My team lost in the last two minutes but it was a total blast. Jesse and Kylie came in during their layover and it was so incredibly wonderful to see them and show them a little ounce of this world, ths family that I have created here. We went home tired, excited and ready for a nap before we headed back for the night.

It seemed a little scrambled at first but already I was feeling an amazement of being in El Salvador and part of something so important and special. We lit candles and walked in a huge circle around the UCA campus ending by walking over the salt rugs or alfombras that had different groups spent hours working on during the day. There were thousands of people there, from all over the world but all there to celebrate the lives of the martyrs and to hold onto their strength and motivation, to become some part of that and to continue to fight for something better. After the candle light vigil was a mass on a huge stage with thousands of people sitting and standing in the parking lot to listen. The rector of the UCA talked rawly about the reality of this country, violence, poverty, vulnerability and pain. And then about our responsibility to continue to work for equality and peace. To fight for the rights of the poor, to create a civilization of something other than capitalism and to live in love. I stood between Maddie and Diana, women who have been so important in my growth since joining SCCAP last year and was overcome with a feeling I cant quite describe. It was a day three experience. We were talking freely about the true pain and suffering that exists in this country. Something that we so often avoid at home. As Annie Dillard explains suffering is so much apart of this life and we cannot resist it by constantly needing to understand why. She calls it God, I call it the Universe, and there is a million other names, but there is something bigger out there, something that we will never be able to understand, so all we can do is live in love as one human race continue to work together to better the struggles that are faced world wide. Last night I felt that, a huge group of people together facing the reality of this life but commiting themselves to working for change through love, in whatever words they define that for themselves. “Love is a reason to exist” says the song on my computer right now… that’s what Im learning about here. Love in a way that I had never understood it before. Love that radiates all the way through you and moves you to work for change and with others as one cause as Dillard explains in Holy the Firm, “we are just us” and that is enough to keep on walking together.

The first part of this experience was a lot of day one. Amazement at this country, its joyfulness, welcoming spirit and faith. Excitement of all the new and exciting. Then slowly we started to truly understand the reality and the rain was the icing on the cake. Things didn’t make any sense. My heart beat a million miles an hour at community night as I tried to find words for the despair and confusion that was dictating my being. Frustration, anger and sadness was all I could find in trying to understand why the people I had fallen in love with were suffering so greatly from something that is worldwide…rain. In the meantime I couldn’t understand my own pain and suffering, I couldn’t understand how I would ever stop processing and find peace. I all out felt out of control. The last couple weeks has been a little bit numb trying to figure out how to make that all in to one. And no I don’t have it all figured out but I think it is a matter of coming to Day Three. Of accepting the fact that I will never have it all figured out and will forever be on this journey, that there is suffering and pain but that it is so beautifully contrasted by love and faith. And that if we can continue to truly understanding that suffering, that love and each other we can make a little bit of difference, even if for now its only in my heart. Eventually it will come into something more.

I feel so rooted, comfortable and happy here. This family is amazing and I cannot even wrap my mind around how fortunate I am to be here. I am learning and growing so much. Feeling so much love. And I never want to let go. Lately we cant help but acknowledge the fact that this program is going to end and we are going to have to go home. And that might be the hardest part about this all. But as I told Maddie, its sort of a challenge, you had this amazing experience, but now what are you going to do with it? But it’s a scary scary challenge, this place has permeated my heart and soul and I love it with all that I can understand… and somehow I gotta take it home with me. But we have a month left and every moment is so full and amazing and wonderful. So Im gonna keep holding on, reveling in the amaziness of this experience and letting myself continue to grow and learn. Cause even when I think its stagnant so much is happening inside me.

My mommy will be here soon and Jes and Kylie will be back. Im so excited to show them this life. And I am so incredibly grateful for the time I have here. And to the love I have at home that will always be there to make these transitions possible…

Sorry for the novel.. I try to be more frequent so they aren’t so long. XOXOXO

rain, pain, sun, lightness and everything in between

2011-10-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

Hello world... you might have forgotten me because its been so dang long.

Im sitting in a hammock over looking a beautiful lake high on the beauty that is this life and vacation with four out of this world women. We've been exploring, yogaing, reading, pooling, drinkin vino, eatin delicious grub and just soakin up life. We need it.

My heart feels really good, and my head is full of questions.

These last few weeks have almost been a blur. And the feeling of lightness that has returned is so welcome in my heart. Cause it was hurting hard for a few weeks.

The rain came... and it just kept coming. And we were introduced to a strength of emotions we didnt even know existed inside us. A love for Cedro and the people of El Salvador. A frustration and anger towards the inequality of this world. A helplessness. A fear of loss and pain. And just as the rain came it seemed some things inside me were bubbling up. And all I could do was feel it all. And it felt heavy and hard and like I just couldn't shake this funk I was carrying around. I was trying so hard to figure me out and trying to figure out my place in this world. Trying to love better and more and understand it all. And the people around me... they were all doing the same. Feeling the pain of fear and worry and love. Trying to figure out how we should respond, what can we do when this world brings rain and some people suffer greater than others can ever imagine. And how when we are feeling it all down to the core, and tears sit full in our eyes waiting at every moment to spill out, and we are scared and worried and feeling heavy, how do we love the people around us more. It was tense in the houses, the most it has been yet and we were all emotional and stressed and just a little lost. Two community nights in a row during check in we all talked about our funks, I teared up explaining how I am learning how to feel emotions and feeling these so deep and am not quite sure what it all means. And we tried with all our might to love each other and keep laughing and find a balance... and it was hard. But I think sometimes you have to sit through the rain... whether its about being in solidarity or about better understanding yourself or the world. I cannot lie and say it wasn't really really painful. It was... like more than I can put into words... but thats part of being human. And for me.. its a step in learning to feel my emotions. And finding the balance between letting the pain that this world experiences seep in and holding on to hope and love and making change in a positive way.

And the second part... thats what this week has been about.

Maddie showed up Friday night. She was SCCAP Director last year and one of the amazing senior women that became such strong mentors, friends, and homes for me. She couldnt have come at a better time. We laid on her maitress on the floor for hours and we talked about it all. What Im finding in me and seeing out of me. And what it all means. To be delicate with yourself and the world and to not let the pain or confusion or whatever it may be define you. But to see it and feel it and keep rolling with it. And we talked about loving more and how hard it is to be in a group of 25 people you dont actually know that well when things get tough. And about the suffering in this world. And about how she saw it all on her trips to South Africa and India.. and my heart started to feel a little better. And Quentin came home and said "Its so good to have Maddie here, I can see it in Michelle"... she brought some life back to me and reminded me that pain comes with beauty and thats what this life is all about.

Sunday Quentin, Maddie and I went on an amazing adventure to the Volcano in San Salvador. Another day of just what I needed (sorry in advance... thats the theme of this week). I just felt SO at home... a feeling I havent felt in a while. Just easy and loved and able to trust and relax and just be me. Cause no matter how out of the world the people here are.. we really havent known each other that long and we are navigating so much. But with them I just feel at home and we could just laugh so hard as we slid down rocks walking down into the crater, and talk about living this life right and just be the realest of real together. We had the best most ridiculous brunch ever, then made our way partway down the crater of the volcano and it was absolutely insane. I have never been in a volcano before and it was just this HUGE hole in the middle of the mountain. We didnt make it all the way down but the adventure was well worth it and absolutely ridiculous. We finished the night with papusas and pan dulce and a talk about love... and it was just SO good.

Monday I headed off to Cedro.. anxious to get there and almost unable to believe that we were really going. We stopped at Super Selectos to buy some basic food items for the families with the money that so many people at home, especially Summit Rotary so kindly sent my way to help in this scary time of need. When we finally showed up I was reminded of the love and resiliency that is overflowing in this country. We hugged the kids and the moms and asked how everything was. People were shaken but forever continue to walk with the most strength I have ever known. Some walls in houses had fallen, many days of work were missed, crops were ruined and some families went a few days with out food. We went back to our families that we stayed with during praxis weekend and were showered in love. Nina Reina's family told me "Vamos a extranar le cuando regresar a su pais" and invited me to come back whenever I want and told me they wished I could stay all week. It was so comfortable after already being there once and we laughed and snuggled and didnt even need to have meaningful conversations to feel how meaningful it was. The next day Claire and I sat as a mom cried and told us part of her house had fallen, her family had gone without food and they are still unable to find work. Our hearts broke listening but as always the reassure us, telling them that their hijos and dios help them to continue always. To be strong and hopeful. Then we did an activity with the kids, read a book to them about rainbows and explained how just like rainbows need sun and rain so does the earth. Then they folded a piece of paper in half and drew how they felt and what they did during the rain on one side and how they felt after the rain on the other said. They said they were scared that there houses would fall or the river would overflow, the were cold, hungry and slept a lot cause they really had nothing else to do. Then when the sun came up they talked about being able to come to school, play outside and their parents being able to work. And just like Ive said five kajillion times it was heart breaking and amazing all at the same time. And so special to just ask them how they felt. I dont think they are asked that a lot. The rest of the time was so good and I realized... as someone probably could have told me I would. That in reality I needed Cedro more than they needed me. Yea they are struggling and will have a hard year and whatever ways we can give them help is so important, but their hearts are strong and their optimism reminded me to lift my head. And while I sat in the evangelical church with the fam, my brain going a million miles an hour cause I cant keep up with the singing and chanting.. I wondered what my place is in this world. And how can I even make a difference when there is so much I dont understand. And then the girls leaned over and asked if I wanted one of their bracelets. And reminded me that really.. its just all about love. And that is what El Salvador is teaching me.. to love and receive love like I have never known how before.

I came home Wednesday night to a quiet house with most people gone on vacation and Beth, Claire and I headed up to Suchi to meet Maddie and Margot. And we were welcomed into this quiet little peaceful town. A town that was so incredibly full of suffering during the war but now is quaint and cozy. We are staying in this great little hostel over looking the lake and we are pigging out on life. Just feeding our souls, relaxing and letting ourselves be on vacation. And it is the most wonderful thing in the world. And because the people in this program are absolutely out of this world. Our conversations about our place in all this, about how we will make a difference, about how to love more are constant. And I have a million questions, and the fewest answers I have ever had in my life. But Im into the journey and the learning and feeling and growing.

And this 4 months is flying by, we are more than half way done. And the scary conversation of coming home is seeping into our minds.. and we are scared and worried. Scared of the feeling of falling in love and having to let go, scared of figuring out how best to incorporate in into our lives. And more than anything else just wanting to soak up all the time we have left. So... heres to the rest of my time here, to feeling it all, sitting with the pain and letting the lightness in when its time, to holding on to faith and hope, to loving with everything I have and continuing to learn and grown. Thanks for listening.

Also... there are big things happening in the Maddex family in the states. And I feel far away for not being able to celebrate. Jesse and Kylie got engaged! Congratulations a million times over, I am so excited for you both. I could hear the happiness in their voices when I called to congratulate after I heard over email. I so badly wish I could celebrate with them but am so excited for all the planning, festivities and life that is to come. Congrats, I love you both!

This is a really good life, and somehow in all the scary we have to find that. And share it. And not forget about the people who are struggling more than us. And figure a lot out... but it feels good to have the questions and feel my brain and heart stretching. And to know this is only the beginning.

Happy day... I love you people of my soul! XOXOXO

El Salvador's State of Calamity

2011-10-20T14:07:00.001-07:00

October 19^th, 2011

Dear Family and Friends,

Today marks eight straight days of rain here in El Salvador. Most of the time it has been hard rain, pounding against the ground and affecting the Salvadoran people in ways most of us could have never imagined. Rain here is something completely different than the rain we know in the United States. Thirty-eight people have died, at least six are unaccounted for and more than thirty thousand people have been evacuated from their homes. These are people that myself and the other students in my program have fallen in love with and we are feeling their pain with them more than we could have ever expected.

One of the most important parts of this program is our praxis sites. I have spent two days a week for the last two months in a rural coffee growing town called Cedro. We spend our mornings with the kindergarten class, help in the community kitchen during lunch and visit families in the afternoons to better understand where they are coming from. Although it may seem like a small amount of time, Cedro has become my home here in El Salvador. When we walk down the road people say hello from scattered houses, the women are like aunts to us and the kids have completely stolen my heart. Every day at Cedro is a mix of heart breaking and beautiful as we come to further understand their suffering and are simultaneously amazed by the faith and joy they continue to hold onto. I have not been to Cedro for a week and a half now because of the rain and my heart is broken at the thought of the extreme suffering they are now experiencing.

When we call them they tell us “we are cold, wet and scared” some are out of food in their houses and are relying on the one meal a day that the community kitchen can supply them. Many cannot get there because of the four feet of rain that has fallen and turned the roads to mud. Landslides and falling trees are constant and make the roads extremely dangerous. Walls in some of the homes have fallen and many families are living in the school for the time being. Other homes have rivers running through them and leaks coming from they ceiling. They tell us they have no dry clothes and soon they will run out of food.

Many people work in the fields and others travel to the city everyday to find work. The road to the city is in shambles and people are unable to get in or out of Cedro to work. Almost more detrimental is that the rain has ruined much of the food in the fields. Corn is saturated with water and coffee beans that have just started to ripen have fallen from trees and been washed away by the rain.

Right now the people are suffering immensely, unable to bring in any money let alone food or warmth for their families. Yesterday we saw the first hint of blue sky in eight days, and today the rain is back. Yet even when the rain does stop, they have only overcome the beginning of all the challenges that are to come. Houses and roads need rebuilt, families are behind because of the vital days of work they have missed and parts of their fields will be ruined until next season.

Here in the Casa’s we are struggling at our inability to do much for the people that we love. My site is physically unreachable and others are unable to be with the people they love because of safety issues. We know we are not here to fix things and do not want to be the saviors but the country has declared a state of calamity and in these moments they need us more than ever. I am asking for your support in whatever form you can give. Love, thoughts and prayers are highly appreciated in themselves. If you or your place of work or study is able to donate financially you will help the people of El Salvador survive a crisis they deserve no more than any other part of the world. Rain should not have the power to kill and displace people from their homes. I think as members of this global community it is our responsibility to be aware of what is happening and to support each other in times of crisis.

Please contact me if you are interested in donating financially. You can either donate to disaster relief for the country as a whole or to Cedro specifically. The most effective way to benefit my community itself is for the money to come straight to me. I can keep track of the money and put it to what the community needs most at the time. I will be able to keep the receipts and tell you exactly where the money is going. My group and I will be gathering food and clothes to get to them as soon as possible and if money allows we will continue to support them through reconstruction. We will be spending part of our vacation next week in Cedro so we can accompany the people through this hard time. If you are more comfortable donating to the country as a whole you may do so through votb.org. Any money that I receive for Cedro that is not needed will also go straight to this organization. If you would like more information contact me or look into our local newspapers, La Prensa Grafica or El Diario de Hoy. If you know anyone who may be interested in donating please feel free to pass this letter on.

Many thanks for your time and any help you are able to give. It is greatly appreciated!

With Love and Gratitude,

Michelle

Rain, love, pain, tears and frustration

2011-10-13T15:50:00.003-07:00

I wrote about this stuff getting heavy a couple days ago (scroll down… didn’t get to post it til today) about being safe, and now my heart is thinking about a whole new kind of safe.

And it has only started to weigh on me more. My heart hurts today. My eyes feel full of tears and I am so worried about the people who have become such a part of my soul here.

First let me introduce you to some special people.

Christopher… 2 years old. Big brown eyes, spiked hair, cutest “I did something wrong” grin, full body giggle, pants that don’t fit him and so much love in his heart. He rode on my shoulders and laughed the whole time, kissed me on the cheek after I put lip gloss on his lips, giggled with me while we rode the scariest toy in the world together and runs from me when I chase him to love on him and plant besos all over his adorable little face.

Nina Santos, her eyes are young, her face looks weathered, her soul is full of love and wisdom. Everyday she walks 45 minutes up hill to come to the Comedor. She cooks and organizes the woman and makes everything run as it should. She loves us and welcomes us with the best hugs every Monday and Wednesday. She sits at the lunch table with us and laughs with us and then lets us into the pain and beauty and truth of her life. Of being a woman and working all day then going home only to work more. Of her father who was an alcoholic. Of not being paid enough. Of supporting her children to go to school even though she couldn’t. She tells us we are the best they’ve had. She tells us when it rains they don’t have drinking water or water to bathe in because they use the river water and after rain it is dirty for days. She is Christopher’s grandmother.

Dorotea, a women who cares for children and grandchildren both. Who has experienced so much pain. Who relies on the 5 am bus ride to the city for her grandson to work during the week and for her to work twice a week to buy food for the family. She cries as she tells us the story, with her two daughters younger than me sitting next to her with their babies and her grandchildren who lost their mom listening on. Knowing the pain, feeling it with her, holding her as she shares the pain.

Nina Reina, my mom during Praxis weekend. Always smiling and loving taking care of her family. She cooks and cleans and loves them. She laughs with and at me all the time at the Comedor. She is the strongest, the most beautiful and loves like none other.

The list goes on of these beautiful amazing people that I love. Love them with me. Imagine them as part of your heart and your family. Imagine them just as you do each other, best friends, family, inspirations. Please, try to think of them as people who are close to you, not just as people, far away in a different country.

It has been raining since Monday. The hardest and longest rain I have experienced. And we are cozy in our homes with warm socks and blankets and hot tea.

These people that I have come to love are not.

They do not have houses that protect them from the rain. Water leaks from the ceilings and comes in through the makeshift doors. They do not have enough blankets. No heat source. They cannot leave their houses. Landfalls block their roads which are already in ruins because of the rain. Crops are uprooted. Days of work are lost. Rivers of trash run through their yards and sometimes their homes. People are killed in these storms.

First I was sad and heart broken and worried. I couldn’t go to Cedro on Wednesday because the road was too much of a mess to get there. That’s when I realized how much I love these people, how much I rely on them to give me hope in all of this pain. Because yes they may be matierally poor but they are the richest when it comes to faith, joy, love and hope. They have it in a way that I have never understood and they spread it to us.

Today when I woke up and it was still raining I got angry. They are not protected from nature that the whole world has to experience. They are cold and hungry, wet, unable to work, stuck in their homes and have no refuge. The lives they live are completely unjust. We have big tv’s, nice cars, more clothes than we know what to do with and think of rainy days as fun and cozy. That is bull crap. It is not fair that some people in this world have so much while others don’t have enough to survive a natural strom. I am mad at the United States, I am mad at myself. I am mad that this world is so unequal for reasons that I can never understand.

I have fallen in love with these people, the same way I love friends and family at home. Because they are exactly the same. Full of love and with so much to give, here for me, special to share with, beautiful and human. And for that same reason they should have the same. They should have access to houses that protect them from the rain, streets and crops that aren’t ruined because of the rain. One big screen tv could fix the houses of so many to protect them. But ya know why we have so much and they have so little.. because every time we hear about a people that are suffering, they are just a distant group of people. That we can dehumanize and feel for for a mere second and then move on with our lives.

Its not so easy when you know them and love them. When they are your family. When they give you hope and love and faith in incredible amounts. When they teach you and hold you and mean the world to you.

Rain is not something that is just fun and cozy or an excuse not to go outside or something that lets us wear fun colored rain boots and curl up and watch movies. Rain is life or death for so many parts of this world, so many more than just Cedro. And it is not ok that we can spend money on things that are completely unnecessary and continue to search for more when they don’t even have enough to survive through a storm. We cannot continue to just live like this, in our bubble, disconnected and desensitizing the people that are far away from us.

We need to fall in love with people so we can understand the truth of this pain, we need to go outside of ourselves, we need to rethink our priorities and work for social justice, equality, protection and love across the world. We can no longer support flat screen tv’s and luxury cars and extravagant vacations and designer shoes when people do not have homes.

And I cannot just be angry and heart broken. I have to find a way to make this meaningful. I have to find a way to run with this love and hope and keep it with me. They give me hope and love, they teach me to hold on and find meaning and have faith. But sometime I will have to leave them. And just without seeing them for four days I am down in the dumps, angry at the conditions and equality of this world, in tears that I cannot be with them and that this life is so painful. But I will leave them for a long time before I know it and I think part of my responsibility is learning how to balance this anger, pain, sadness and awareness of the injustice with a hope and faith that change can come. I have to find a balance between using this frustration to create change but not letting it debilitate me, cause that is not the point.

So for now this is the best I do. Try to imagine these people. Try to imagine the injustice they are experiencing. Think of the way you react to rain and then think of how it affects others. Think of how they way you live your life affects the way others do. Try to find something in you that can change, that can give and love and understand more. Because that bubble that we live in is not reality. And it is not fair that we live in it. Im going to say it again, come to El Salvador or any other place in the world that can teach you all of this, they will find their way into your heart and you will never ever be the same.

And this is the quote waiting for me when I open my email..

“Today we are faced with a challenge that calls for a shift in our thinking, so that humanity stops threatening its life-support system. We are called to assist the Earth to heal her wounds and in the process heal our own - indeed to embrace the whole of creation in all its diversity, beauty and wonder. Recognizing that sustainable development, democracy and peace are indivisible is an idea whose time has come.”

Safe...

2011-10-13T15:50:00.001-07:00

Its pooring rain outside. It hasn’t stopped all day. Its cozy in some ways and dreary in some too.

I talked to Jesse last night and told him… it’s getting kind of heavy here.

I owe you amazing readers some deep down genuinity.. if that’s what I am searching for in this life.

Campo week was really amazing, and when I look back on it I see so much love, simplicity, happiness and just comfort.

Coming home has been a little hard. There has been a little lump swimming in and out of my throat since we drove up on Friday. I walked into Katherine and Emily’s room… Im in a funk I told them. We talked about trying to get back into this life, about being emotional and about being homesick but not quite knowing for what.

Both Friday and Saturday night we sat in the sala trying to understand what was happening in our hearts. What is this feeling? What does it mean to come back? To leave that family behind? To be here? To miss home? What is the future and what is now? How do we continue to make these wonderful special connections and than have to move on? We all craved a good cry. The emotions in this life are piling high in our little hearts, every minute my heart fills so full almost about to overflow. Those emotions continue to explode in laughter, but some part of me knows that eventually the tears are gonna flow.

We see so much beauty and so much pain. Everyday the reality of this country seeps into our souls deeper. And the reality of our own individual suffering comes up out of us. For whatever reason in this context it just all bubbles up out of me.

Sunday we had our campo reflection. We started by listening to a song about walking hand in hand together in this life. Images of our walk home from the centro, holding Abuelita’s hand, talking about the luck of Juan’s life with him, jumping at the thought of a snake and everyone dying laughing and the last walk back to the center Mami grabbing our hands, el ultimo camino con mis hijas she told us. Images of the week flashed through my head, almost like it was a dream. So real, so much love, so nearly unbelievable in all its beauty. And now we are home.

When the song stopped my mind went blank, there were not words to describe the moments, thoughts, emotions flashing through my soul. Slowly people shared. About the stories they heard, the love they felt, the questions they found and the struggles they have had coming home. I teared up and then pulled myself together again and again. I don’t even quite know why, this life is just big.

Finally I opened my mouth to word vomit about the idea of meaning in this life. Why are we always searching and what for? Why isn’t it just enough like it is for them? And how come we have the opportunity to be searching for meaning while they don’t? Then I closed my mouth… not even sure if I made any sense.

I listened to everyone else’s thoughts, let them sit deep inside and questioned my own thoughts. Wondering if I was thinking the right things. Hurting at the idea of never seeing that family again. Looking around the room and feeling the love I have for every single person in this community explode out of me. Scared to let go of this understanding, scared to go back to a different life that in some ways is so distant from my bed in Mami and Papi’s house in Carasque.

Someone reflected on just trying to find the beauty in all this. The nature of this program is too short, but isn’t something better than nothing? Arent we so very lucky to be alive and here and soaking all this up. Exactly what I had been wondering if it was ok to be thinking. My heart was comforted. And again and again we all teared up as others shared. Then Laura shared… she talked about being safe. About feeling safe with Emily and Chepa and Felipe in the Campo… and what it means to not feel safe. And the tears fell and something in me was ignited.

I dunno if I want to put this on paper. But feeling safe is something we each have a right to in this world. And I’m sure each and everyone of us has experienced the feeling of safe and the feeling of unsafe. Some more than others.

Since I have been here I have spent so much time looking at myself. I feel like I have figured out so much about how I have gotten here. What it means to be Michelle in this life. But being here… it has been so easy to look at myself, to become more and more genuine and to let this world into what I’m finding. And already, I wonder how this Michelle will live in that life at home. Of course my heart and soul and so much of me is the same. I just know a little bit more about what makes me feel and have seen a little different part of this world. And I hope with everything I have that I can mesh it all with life at home.

So Ive been thinking about safety. About nights as a little one and even nights not that long ago crying myself to sleep. Trying to figure out the scary stuff in this life. And trying to find comfort. And then I think about this long long list of people and places that make me feel safe and my heart is the warmest. And then I think of here and try to figure out what it means to feel safe here, in a group of people I’ve known for 7 weeks, so many miles away from home. And so often I do, but every now and then I crave safe spots at home. Moments that are absolutely real with my mom and life chats with Hayley and days sitting on Susan and Jims couch or playing with Kamryn or at Young RYLA or on SCCAP retreats or at Cara’s eating dinner and dancing in the kitchen.

And then I think finding those spaces everywhere I go is the special thing about this life. That you can find them and create them. And then so appreciate them. I have those spaces here and I am so thankful for them. And just like no matter where I am in the world sometimes I crave those so familiar ones that with time have become the easiest. And my heart aches a little.

And then I hear “a cantar” and a group of hands waiting for me to come sing before dinner. And I feel safe.

Campo Week

2011-10-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

Campo week is over… we’ve been home since Friday in the comforts of this wonderful little place… emotions are so up and down and all over the place as we all try to process the week and get back into this lifestyle. It was an amazing week full of thinking and learning and for me, so very much love. From the first dinner Steph and I had with Juan and Mirtalla she called us hijas (daughters) and they treated us so wonderfully. We listened and struggled and questioned and laughed a whole lot. Its hard to make words for so Im gonna put in some excerpts from my journal… more raw than my usual blogging but just a little in to where my head was at as the week went on.

People are talking about purpose, about this week being stupid or something else. I don’t want to think of it that way. I just want to be here learning, listening, seeing, asking, creating realtionships…

Our little 350 people town of Carasque in the mountains was celebrating San Francisco de Asis this week so we spent a lot of time together and the questioning was at an all time high… we have been ingrained to think this way and I know its positive but I struggled to just be present and take it for what it was.. something I think we have lost as a society. We spent the first two days trying to figure out our place in all of it…

How do we live such different lives and what does that mean? Slash are our lives really that different? Is it ok to ask questions or are we intruding? I really just wanna be here and not overthink it all but for some reason that’s impossible and I wonder if thats an Americaly ingrained flaw… to not be able to just be. I wonder if they over think things, are they looking for meaning in their life, or is it just what it is?

What does it mean to search for meaning in your life? From the day I got to Carasque I wondered if they were searching for meaning or if they had found it or if it didn’t even matter. How can this life be enough? Slowly I realized.. maybe it really is just enough.

I wonder if we all lived like this would people be happier? I guess I can never know forsure but Juan and Mirtalla, they really seem happy to me. We talked with them last night after dinner about all sorts of life things. The war, faith, happiness and what they think about us being here. Jaun told us that life here is 1000 times better than living in the city. The view, the simplicity, his friends and family and being able mostly to sustain themselves off their plants and animals makes him really happy.

We look at Yamilec (20) and wonder if she’s happy staying here in this little life and never seeing much different. But maybe she really is. Maybe this is enough. I feel like we are socialized to think nothing is ever enough and we always have to go bigger, find, see and learn more. Maybe all we need to do is find happiness.. but don’t we also need to live for and with others. Is it selfish just to find happiness for ourselves when so many around us are struggling? And maybe we are all meant to do different things…cause somehow our capitalistic society has to sustain itself right? I wonder what it would be like if we were living for a civilization of poverty instead of capitalism. Or just happiness, relationship, strength.

Wednesday we finally got to spend the whole day with our family. The day was slow, we woke up to all the noises of the animals and of Mami miking the cow. We tried to help but mostly just whitnessed their daily routine, milking and feeding the cow, taking care of the chickens, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes. We read and relaxed and chatted with them. They showed us around took us on a beautiful walk to get fish and we just soaked in all the beauty of this lifestyle. I felt so grateful. The purpose of us being there became more and more obvious and slowly I started to find a few conclusions in my head, each with another question attached

I remember sitting in the SCCAP office and Drew saying we probably would end up just asking more questions. And I think that’s totally true, Im asking so many questions. And I think through questions Ill find answers. But also sometimes I just want to live. With people in this life. As a human soaking it all up. And I think I can find ways to create change and for and with others while Im still just living in this life. That actually is probably the best way I can do it.

Being here is making me think of the Blue Sweater, of my major “International Development”, of my future, of creating change. And of doing that the right way by learning with the people.

I think that’s the point, questioning, answering and continuing to question. But also, figuring out how to just be and share with people. I think its about balancing it all out and there were so many moments of just being human in the midst of me trying to figure out my place in it all.

We lived about ten minutes outside of town and the walk was absolutely beautiful. Tuesday morning Steph and I walked into town alone with Juan… our Papi who was so very wonderful to us. Always checking on us, so open to sharing with us and showing us love in the most wonderful fatherly ways. He was a guerilla for four years in the war and on the walk explained to us how hard it was to leave his wife and new born baby to go. Why did you go I asked? “Because all the rich people had the land and the poor people had nothing, I thought if we won things would get better, there would be more equality” He explained that there is more equality, he feels like he has everything he needs. At dinner later we continued the conversation, he talked about being a 16 year old fighting in the war with 10 year olds. Being one of the three who came back from the war of 20 from Carasque who went to fight. It was a huge risk, but one he felt necessary to take. Its formed him and all of the people in the area. During our time there I read The Promised Land a book about a missionary from the states living in El Salvador during the war, the pain and stories he heard and saw and the light that people found in faith. Reading that while hearing Juans stories was so powerful, so real, so human. And that’s all I really wanted when I went it, to be human.

The serious moments will stick with me forever and were so very special, but the moments of laughter were the moments we really bonded. Wednesday during our exploring I asked if I could touch the horse, I moved slowly to pet it and for some reason it didn’t like that, I started to run away and then felt the blow of the horses hoof on my right thigh below my hip. In the moment I didn’t really know how to respond but the pain didn’t last long. Soon enough we were all laughing, bonding over the laughter and me trying to assure them that all was well. For the rest of the week we laughed about my fight with the horse, the fact he knew I was a gringa and the joys of living in life together. Don’t worry I told Mami, that’s just part of life, things happen and we just have to laugh. And laugh we did. Just like when Yamielec acted like she saw a snake and I jumped higher and screamed about a million times louder in response. My family laughed and laughed and I felt so very close to them. Laughter has been so special through this experience and I love what you can share without words during laughter. Steph and I joked last night about all the fusses I caused… my flashlight blew up, I got kicked by the horse and I jumped a foot at the thought of a snake, but those moments were all so special.

They really felt like family and treated us so wonderfully. Tuesday night walking home from the final night of festivities I saw the first lightening bugs Id ever seen. I was so excited and everytime she saw one Mirtalla pointed it out to me. I held Abuelitas hand so we could keep our balance on the rocky, slippery walk home. Lightening bugs were everywhere and the only sound was the crickets. The silence was so peaceful and beautiful. Nothing needed to be said, our hands together was enough to know that there was a connection. Lightening lit up our path and I felt the connection, the love, the light in this new but oh so special relationship with this family. I felt at home and overflowing with gratitude to at least skim the surface of understanding another part of this country.

We spent the last day at some nearby pools with all the program and all of our families. We ate lunch together and enjoyed one last day with our families. That night at our going away party we started off another akward Salvadoran dance as the group of Gringos dancing in the middle as the rest watch from the sides awkwardly. Exhausted we waited to go home. Have you danced with Juan yet Mirtalla asked me.. no I hadn’t, lets all go dance together. So Steph, Juan, Mirtalla and I all went out on the dance floor and danced together to close off our last night. So special and memorable, hilarious and akward but the kind of akward you can handle cause you know there is no judgement involved. The night ended with Elvis playing and finally a mix of Gringos and Salvadorans dancing together, laughing, twisting and just sharing in this life together.

Oh so very special.

We left Friday morning and on our final walk between the house and the town center Mami grabbed Steph and I’s hands. “The last walk with my new hijas” and I thought about how special the last week had been.

It was too short but it was something. It reminded me of the love and hospitality in this country. Brought me new questions and answers to ponder and left me with so many wonderful memories of a week in the beautiful mountains of El Salvador with this new family. Two of our host siblings were there with us, one is in the U.S.- in Aurora CO actually and the other attends the National University in San Salvador. We tried to figure out what life means to them at first, but by the end picked up on a sense of simplicity and happiness that I hope someday is spread across more of this world. Now we are back trying to figure out how to mesh the two lives, how to keep the experience with us, how to keep running and thinking and learning without exploding.

The silent retreat is this weekend and I am so very excited for a chance to just process… so much has happened in the last 7 and ½ weeks…

mutual humanness

2011-09-30T15:15:00.001-07:00

Friday afternoons are seriously my fav… all but a few of us have history so the houses are quiet and without class the next day there is time for relaxing, catching up or doing whatever my little heart desires. Its one of the few times during the week where I really feel like I can just breathe…and it SO fantastic.

Today is Margot’s birthday. Yesterday she told me she didn’t want anyone to do anything for her other than have a good day. She’s right we don’t need to shower her in gifts, but oh did we find ways to celebrate, 7am latin dance class and Mr. Donut, sent her to a massage, making crumble and a delicious dinner for her and showing her how very much we love her. I think the chance to celebrate someone’s life is so special. Especially an out of this world friend like Margot. It has been absolutely WONDERFUL having her here with me to share and understand and laugh with. She knows my soul better than most the rest of the world, including me sometimes, and I just could not be more grateful to have her here on this journey with me. I want nothing more than to celebrate her, so her how much I love her and how grateful I am to have her in my life. She has been such a guiding light for me the past year, a source of love, balance and the most wonderful conversations in the world. So today we will celebrate her life…because we each get one day a year to be celebrated.

Tomorrow we leave for the Campo for a week. I am so excited and as always a little nervous. Ill be staying at a house with another girl, Steph, who lives in my house. We will be spending all our time doing what the family does. Learning from them in the fields, milpas, fincas, in the house, at church, wherever they go we will go. I am so excited to just create relationships, to be out of the city and have a little change of pace and to continue to get to know the reality, the beauty and the pain that makes this county as special as it is.

In preparation for the campo we have continued talking about what it means to be here. To be in relationship with people. To come from privilege and difference, to not understand and continuously attempt to understand. How do we accompany and learn without taking advantage, without creating a power dynamic. We do that by being human. By having a deep desire to create relationships, to be here, to love. As I was making Margot’s crumble I was thinking about how much I love to love people. Being in mutual humanness with the people around me and loving people is the juice of this life as far as I know so far. So this week I just want to be human, to love, to keep the barriers I create out of my head, to share and to be in mutual humanness.

And ya know what Ive been learning… for the past 20 years, but also I have been so reminded of this in the past 5 weeks. Being human does not come without pain. We have seen pain here. Monday two of the other praxis groups encountered something so real in this country, death. One group drove past a man who had been hit by a car and killed on the side of the road. They said “it seemed like no one was doing anything, but that man he is someone’s child, brother, maybe father” but this is part of their reality. The other group went to the wake of a man who was killed in relation to gang violence. He wasn’t involved, there was no reasoning, he was only in the wrong place at the wrong time. Both were just chance, both completely unfair. Yet the Salvadoran’s didn’t cry like we might of, they weren’t caught off guard like we were. The only choice they have is to keep moving. This is their reality. And that is not ok.

In Cedro we are doing a project on women. We are surrounded by amazing, strong women in the Comedor and also in all our home visits. We rarely meet men… they are either working or out of the picture. We are talking about how religion and machismo affect women. How are these women so resilient, what are the family structures and how do these structures affect education, what is the role of the women in each of these pillars? So we are asking questions. Every answer is heart breaking and incredible all at the same time. These women never stop working. Some of them have jobs that they work at from 8-5 or 6-6 and then when they get home they must do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and loving of their children. Nina Santos, one of the ladies at the Comedor explained that her husband doesn’t read with her children even though he went to school and she didn’t, he doesn’t have time. They always come to me when they need something she explains, they don’t feel as comfortable with their dad, they aren’t as close with him. Granted, this could come from the mouth of many people in the U.S. too, but the role of women in so huge here, so exclusive, so very important. Grandmas raise their children and grand children at the same time. Twenty year olds have babies in almost every house. Children with mental illnesses never get the resources to develop. And in almost every woman, when you look past the beauty, the hugs and kisses, the laughter, the unending amounts of love in their eyes, you can get a glimpse into the pain and exhaustion that they experience.

Machismo leaves woman working so very hard, and families without the support they need from their family. Alcoholism runs rampant. Money problems. Inability to pay for health care. Pain that has consisted since the onset of the war. Loss for so many reasons. Unjust working conditions. And self care… unheard of for women. Homes, although many overflowing with love, there are also many where pain is the most common emotion. And half days of school, lack of programs, extracurricular activites, support and resources leave young kids with a void that needs filling. Many turn towards gangs, security, a sense of belonging, a home. Young women turn towards relationships, often get pregnant early and the cycle continues.

The struggles of poverty, the aspects of development are so many layers deep. Many see change coming, and it is, but not enough change and not fast enough. It is not fair for people to live the way they are living here. And maybe the hardest part of it all, every single one of us that lives with more than we need is contributing to so much of the world living with less than they need. Capitalism has created a society full of competition and a constant desire for more. While we are trying to buy nicer cars, bigger tv’s, the cutest clothes and take the best vacations people in El Salvador and so many other parts of the world are trying to put food on the table. They are trying to survive day after day in the hardest of working conditions. People are being killed, education and health care is not sufficient and problem after problem rest on top of each other. All encompassing of the pain of poverty.

Stuctural change needs to come, but ownership and empowerment might be the most important. Understanding, seeing, feeling and entering into mutual humanness together. We are falling in love with the people of this country and as we fall in love we start to feel their pain with them. We are not finding answers to questions, only finding more questions. How do we liberate the oppressed, how do the oppressed liberate the oppressed? What does it mean for these people to have such suffering yet still be so full of joy and love? How do they continue to have faith? And the scariest of all the questions… what is our place in all of this?

For now.. it is to be human together. To love, and listen and share. And at least in some of the moments, to stop worrying about how different we are and start seeing how the same we are. Because the sameness is what will bind us together, will allow us to fall in love, will allow us to see how our choices are affecting their lives. Maybe.. slowly, step by step we can let go a little so they can have a little more. Come to El Salvador. Go to Africa or Haiti or Nicaragua or any of the endless countries that is filled with poverty. Have your heart broken, fall in love and then let it change you. That’s what we are trying our hardest to do. To be all the way in this so that when we get on the planes to fly back home we can make small changes. Not so that we can be distraught and pessimistic and mad at the world for the rest of our lives. So we can share, and love and understand what it really means to be human. So we can see that there is more to this life than the little world we are living in at home.

Just some food for thought… that is where my brain is. Every day El Salvador seeps deeper into my heart. Just like this community that I am living in. My whole body itches and my clothes don’t smell particularly wonderful but I could not be asking for a more meaningful experience. Ill be in the campo learning, loving, questioning and trying to get over my fear of cockraoches, outdoor toilets, constant Spanish and Salvadoran food for the next week. Ill be back with lots of stories and thoughts and love exploding out of my heart as always.

Thank you for listening. For getting me here. For cheering me on the whole way. <3

10/26

2011-09-27T08:53:00.003-07:00

My words cannot do justice for this experience.. but neither can my mind. What a journey we are on.

Everyday I feel my heart absorbing more of this place and these people. Sharing about family, screaming during ghosts stories, seeing Thomas’s house and continuously learning and growing together I feel so very close to this community. I feel comfortable in my own skin here. I feel like we are really coming to know each other on a level that makes all the thinking and feeling that happens here a little more comfortable.

Today we took our sweet time getting to Cedro. As always we are on El Salvador time, or in other words Sor time. We have stops to make and every morning is an adventure. Last week we saw the central market, the school and Sor’s tia’s house before getting to Cedro. Today we visited a woman and her family who has cocoa, coconut, bananas, mint and pineapple growing in her backyard. We sat and chatted and finally made it to Cedro. It would be easy to be frustrated but the adventures are full of learning, chatting and seeing more and more of El Salvador. We showed the kids how to make cootie catchers/ fortune tellers and practice colors and numbers in Spanish. We had a home visit in the afternoon that shook out hearts. We talked about parents reading with their kids. Many cant read, others, especially dads, don’t have the time. We saw a young woman our age with a one year old on her lap and another in her stomach, her children’s father lives just up the road but no longer is in contact with her. She lives with her mom, her grandma and six siblings and the only person who works is her father. In the finca where he earns so little money. Nina Santos told me she had to work late tonight, sometimes her days turn into 12 hour days, but no matter how many hours she works she still gets paid the same low amount every 15 days. By an organization, a family, a life giving vital part of the community that we all think so highly of, but still we see the injustices, the challenges, the structural flaws that allow for the continuation of poverty.

In Life Writing Thursday we talked about suffering. About walking with people in their suffering, about sharing and holding but not letting it trigger you. Avoiding the spiral into a pessimistic paralysis. In the ability to find joy in the suffering, to accept that suffering exists and to continue on the search of alleviating suffering, even if only through opening your heart and ears and listening to someone’s story.

We reflected tonight with the Fordham Delegation, we were told to reflect on whatever we feel this experience has been for us so far. We haven’t all been together in Grace and Heidi’s house surrounded by candles and reflection vibes since orientation. Bright eyed and clueless, we didn’t know and love each other or this country yet. They asked us why we were here and we found responses, tonight we still cant find any answers.

Vulnerability, honesty, love, humbling, life giving, gratitude, suffering, accompaniment, holding, raw, pain, beauty, community, why, laughter… those were the words of the night.

Those are the words of this program.

In praxis we are feeling closer and closer to our communities, their pains have started to become ours, and their rollercoaster is ours. We have started to see this country, and ours differently. Wondering about our place in this world. Thanking our lucky stars for helping us to find our way here. Sometimes it hurts, its frustrating and seems like there are no answers. We are searching inside and out for answers, thoughts, questions, feelings and being met with love in so many different places.

Today I thought about worthiness. About how my Spanish is still worse than the other two at my praxis, how they connect with Sor about Catholicism and know so much about it and how when those conversations happen I sit quietly sometimes trying to learn other times going further and further into the dark as the conversation continues. That feeling of not being as much, not knowing as much, speaking as well, connecting as much. That feeling that is a fatal flaw… compare and despair. How do we get away from that? Then I thought of the laughter, the moments with the kids when I feel totally connected. The moments when the questions Im able to ask lead to answers we may not have come to otherwise. When I know I can read someone’s emotion and follow that instinct in building that relationship. When I know what social analysis is and can help to form those questions and processes. There are so many moments when I too am in my element. All of us have different elements; I think part of life is about figuring out where that is. Maybe they call it vocation or maybe figuring yourself out or maybe just happiness. It comes with a little more searching when you are in a country, a life, a culture totally different than your own. But when you find it… it feels so good and the search continues.

I think one of those things for so many of us has been laughter. What a language it has been since we arrived. We have been here for 5 weeks and I think I have laughed harder and more than I have in a long time with this group of people. Our personalities mesh and differ and are hilarious. Sometimes the overwhelming amount of emotions come to a catharsis in gut splitting laughter. And sometimes laughter is the easiest way to connect to someone. Language, backgrounds, so many things matter less when two people are laughing. 2 year old Christopher on my shoulders laughing, Nina Reina today when Don Manual tried to explain why he’s not sad when we leave, Claire and I at the pila laughing about the use of the word babyshower in the middle of a sentence in Spanish, the group hiking to the waterfalls and falling left and right, the continous hilarity that happens in my house. It keeps us up, helps us connect, and sometimes is the most simple form of interaction, of showing love and mutual understanding.

This experience hurts and puts us on top of the world. In classes and praxis and every day conversations we talk about this resiliency that we have found, the hospitality and love and joy and keep on truckin attitude that defines so many parts of this country. We talk about liberating the poor, about all they have to teach the world. About how far we have to come. And our hearts continue to encompass more. I wonder if I am processing enough, reflecting enough, seeing enough. Maybe sometimes Im not, but I also think it all comes with time… time that right now we might just not have enough of. But the thoughts are a flowin. And being surrounded by a community who helps to make those thoughts whole and meaningful is such a beautiful thing. 5 weeks in and something feels different, even more right than every other post. This country is becoming a part of my soul, and me a part of it’s.

9/19- More than my Spanish (sorry for the double whammy)

2011-09-20T10:32:00.003-07:00

Back again, I knew a refreshing weekend would do me so much good. This morning I wasn’t quite sure though.

I woke up fifteen minutes before my alarm with a killer stomach ache and wondered if Id make it to praxis. Intestinal health is a regular topic of conversation here, much more information than is kosher to share at home is normal here. Tums and pepto are in high demand and stool sample cups are always readily available. We are cooked for and careful but us North Americans have the weakest stomachs alive, so you never know what’s going to happen. As soon as something feels a little off some part of you worries if you’ll make it through the day or be bed ridden for four days before you decide to take a sample.

I made it to praxis fine but sat in Cabalitto Blanco pretty tired and disengaged, not sure I was ready to dive back into this wonderful little world.

But just like when the hiking got too hard and the waterfalls were there to remind us how worth it the hiking was… I had the most wonderful day at Praxis today.

I don’t exactly know what it is, partly I’m getting more comfortable in my own skin there. I used to be so worried about my Spanish not being good enough and the spiral that is my mind would then lead to thinking they thought I didn’t care and not being able to be present and in the end just being in another world more often than not. Slowly my Spanish has improved but more importantly I trust myself to be more than my Spanish. I find ways to communicate, I laugh, I feel comfortable with the Cedro family, and being present gets easier and easier.

I spontaneously was asked to give a Computer class for one 14 year old girl this morning. Her desire to learn was so refreshing “I want to learn how to type like you do, more English if you have time”. She was so sweet and excited and the one on one time with her was really enjoyable. Then we had a birthday party for Clarita, my lovely 5’2’’ Praxis partner who is one of the most alive humans I have ever known. She is really real and laughs and loves and spreads light like none other. The kids sang and one by one gave her a card and un abrazo, we all teared up at how much love we are receiving from this place we only hope we mean something too. We gave the kids messy and delicious cake we made last night and had a piñata. So so fun.

After our lunch (where Claire and I discreetly passed the bowl of soup with an intact chicken foot a few places over) we lolly gagged for a while as normal. Sor works her butt off and sometimes whatever she needs to do, or just chatting is more important than whatever is on the schedule. I played with Christopher, the two year old love of my life who has already stolen my heart and is guaranteed to break it when I drive away in three months. He has the most beautiful big brown eyes and is just the cutest little thing Ive ever seen. His Grandma works at the Comedor so he hangs out with us in the afternoons when none of the other kids are there. At first he’d barely look at us. Now he sits at the table and converses, whines, loves and makes us laugh so dang much.

We finally left for our home visit and little Chris of course wanted to come along and of course had no interest in the walking involved. I propped him up on my shoulder and we laughed so hard the whole walk as his little face popped right in front of my eyes and then giggled uncontrollably when I screamed. Its usually easy to make a two year old laugh but when a two year old is the cause of your gut splitting laughter you know something is right in the world. I have this image of us in my mind that I will never forget.. I love that little man.

As we walked towards the house of Dorothea we were briefed on the extreme amounts of pain she has encountered. Home visits are a little bit of a confusing subject for us. We all know they have experienced hard stuff, we want to ask but we don’t know if we should, small talk is painful, but we haven’t quite found the in between. Today’s was fantastic. Although we questioned it all afterwards in the midst of it it felt like we were just a group of humans conversing about pain, love and hope. Dorothea is the mother of 5, Grandmother of at least 5. She lost her husband 20 years ago, someone killed him and we will never know why, maybe they know or maybe they don’t. Her thirty year old son Manual has some sort of special needs, exactly what it is no one knows, diagnosis is expensive and specialty doctors are hard to come by in the rural canton. Three years ago her daughter was also killed, today we met the children of this daughter, 7 and 9 years old and one who’s 18 at work doing construction. Their dad is in prison for 30 years, again we will never quite know why. Tears fell from her eyes as she explained the pain of loosing her daughter, the memories her grand children have and the struggle of poverty. She can only find one day a week of work, Sor later tells us she receives scholarships for her Grandchildren. Her youngest daughters, 20 and probably 17ish sit with their babies nursing. Dorothea speaks from her heart, she loves this family, she knows pain too well and she tries every day to find hope in the face of the month old baby and of Joanna who has lost both of her parents and whatever she can find. We listen intently, ask questions when we feel its appropriate, try to show empathy, respect and admiration. We thank them endlessly, we are here to learn, thank you for sharing. We hug them all, I tell the kids to keep up their amazing attitudes, you can do whatever you want in this life, then you can change life’s. They hear what Im saying, but I wonder how much it resonates with them. I just want to hear how loosing their mom to violence and dad to prison feels, I want to love them with all I have.

We walk away, I squeeze Clara’s hand and the reality that is this place permeates inside me while Christopher sits atop my shoulders giggling away.

Claire, Annie and I sit in the back of the pick up truck on the dirt road on the way home. We talk about deserving peoples stories, or maybe not needing to. Is sharing healing? Is deserving peoples stories an American construct? Or does my head just want to believe that to rationalize it? How do you enter someone’s home and ask the right questions, show empathy, equality and interest without pushing too hard? We talk about all sorts of good life stuff, differences, challenges, so many things. And as we drive away I feel my heart attaching to that little town, full of natural beauty that holds the lives of people struggling in a little cocoon. Oh how I hope my time with them is meaningful on both sides. Oh how I hope this experience influences how I spend the rest of my life.

9/18- Las Cascadas

2011-09-20T10:26:00.001-07:00

Oh what a weekend

In Susan’s email she asked me if its still fun or if its overwhelming. It is overwhelming but it is still a BLAST.. the big, hard, sometimes heavy moments come easier onto paper but there are soooo many moments of laughter and joy with this group of people, with the kids in my site and laughing with Sor about relationships and all sorts of silliness.

But yes, as you can tell from my writing this is not the typical study abroad program. Im not living the life I would at home, Im not going out at night or traveling much and Im seeing a lot of poverty and pain. And I am LOVING it.

Still, taking a weekend to relax is a beautiful thing.

We had the most fantastic weekend. We left Saturday morning bright and early already laughing headed to Juyua (why oooo a) to explore the waterfalls. Nate planned it and 5 of us girls just went along with his plan. We took a two hour bus ride on kinda packed busses through beautiful curvy roads surrounded by forests, fincas and mountains and arrived in the little town. We walked through the market where we could have bought anything from raw chicken to fake rolex to silly stuffed animals. We got to our hostel and walked into a beautiful, little, peaceful oasis with such friendly people. Ten minutes later we were on our way with a guide and a lunch the lady at the hotel packed us to explore the 7 waterfalls.

It was SUCH an adventure. I really wish we would have had a videographer with us so I could just show you all because it was absolutely REDICULOUS. This was no trail hike in a National Park in the States where the Forest Service keeps everything well kept. We trekked through mud, jungle, rivers and all sorts of craziness. We bush wacked trees and plants out of our way and when necessary our amazing guide (Douglas) pulled out the trusty machete to get things out of our way. We slipped and fell and laughed so much. We climbed over rocks, tried our hardest not to slide down steep hills and keep up on the uphill’s and could only hope that our Chacos would do us good.

Just when we were getting a little tired of all the crazy hiking, (something that I cannot even put into words it was so ridiculous. Imagine George of the Jungle mixed with that crazy guy on TV who does crazy stuff in the wilderness. There were no trails, tons of plants and trees and every kind of terrain you could imagine.) I turned to Emily and said “ok Im ready to be there” around the corner and over a few rocks and there we were in front of the first of 7 beautiful, huge waterfalls. We stopped to take pictures, rinsed the fire ants off our feet in the water and took in the view and continued. We eventually had to repel down one of them on a rope tied to a tree with the guide helping us all the way down. Sounds super sketchy, probably kinda was but I felt completely safe the whole time and if we really wanted to we probably could have sat down and slid down the rocks on our butts. The scenery continued to take my breathe away and after every hard feat we were reminded how worth it the journey was “vaya la pena” as we say in Spanish. We saw water fall after water fall and continued our falling. Finally we got to the biggest one and got to sit and eat lunch. Our guide cut up the vegetables and we ate the most simple yet most delicious veggie sandwiches I have ever had in my life. My black shorts were brown, my legs covered in mud and sweat was dripping off my face. We were exhausted and the sandwiches were exactly what we needed. We spent a little time in the water and took some pictures and we continued. We made our way through the river to two more and then starting heading up a huge heel. Our legs kinda felt like they were gonna give at any second and we were exhausted, but just like the first time every time we were tired of it we saw another beautiful site. Lastly we went to some man made water falls and swam through a tiny tunnel where you could barely see anything. After another long walk up hill we finally got back to town and to our hostel with hot water. I know most of you take hot showers every day and that feeling of your whole body being warm and clean is normal but for us it is a TOTAL luxery and after an exhausting, dirty day it was about the best thing I could imagine.

The day was perfect and exactly what we needed. Challenge, exhilarating, beautiful and adrenaline rush after adrenaline rush. It was so peaceful just to be in nature. Something that for as long as I remember has been a place of happiness, peace and solace for me. A place where I feel so alive and like nothing else in the world matters. We talked about how for the past month we are so often blow away by pain, or the juxstaposition of beauty within this pain. But this weekend every time we felt or said “Wow” it was because of pure beauty. Something we are so privileged to be able to experience and was such a breather for our hearts and brains. Part of me wished I could bring all of the people from my site to these waterfalls, let them forget, relax and just enjoy the beauty that is nature. It felt so good to conquer challenge after to challenge, to be physically exhausted but mentally and emotionally completely relaxed and at peace. We laughed all day at people falling, when I almost ripped my arm out of its socket and when Lindsey hung on a stick by her shorts. Everyone overcame fears, everyone was tired, but everyone had a total blast. And it was so so beautiful (lotsa pictures to come soon on facebook). I so wish I could explain because it was absolutely ridiculous and SUCH an adventure. I loved every minute of it and feel so refreshed coming back home. It was exactly what I needed and for the first time in a while I felt so in my element. I felt completely able and comfortable, I felt like I could do anything I put mind to even if it was painful and scary and hilarious all at the same time.

It was just a really great mental break and such a beautiful place to spend the day in. It was nice to get out of our bubble and see another side of El Salvador.

We went back to our awesome hostel, took hot showers and went out to this little hipster café we found. Juyua has this funny little colony of hipster Salvadorans They must have been of Spanish decent because for the first time in a month we didn’t stick out as total Gringos but still their accents were completely Salvadoran. We ate hamburgers and paid the most we have for a meal yet but we totally enjoyed ourselves. We totally took a little vacation and it was absolutely wonderful.

We came back Sunday to a house of people ready to share stories, eat Papusas, refreshed yet exhausted and ready to continue on this amazing journey. Diving in, learning and reflecting every moment, running like crazy and always staying up a little later than planned is great, but makes a break even better. Now Im ready to dive in even deeper, to soak up the moments, to look and listen hard and to take in all the juxstaposition, life, struggle and beauty this world has to offer me.

praxis weekend, thinking, reflecting and a weekend to relax!

2011-09-16T15:23:00.001-07:00

Lots is happening in this little land of learning and growing and love. Its hard for me to find the right words to put it all on this blank page of paper staring back at me.

I left for Praxis weekend on Friday feeling emotionally and physically exhausted and missing home. I walked down the steps surrounded by beautiful plants and trees towards the little pink casita I would stay in for two nights and automatically my heart felt lighter. I was welcomed into the home of Nina Reina, her husband Don Hector and there three kids Noe (4), Dianna (8) and Vanessa (11). There house really feels like a home and there family is very loving and dear together. It is beautiful and quiet in their little mountainous area, fresh air and clear skies make it feel much more like home. It was like a little break from this new constantly running life. Friday night I learned to make papusas and we all sat together and pulled the corn kernels off the cob. We laughed at my challenged, weak hands as Reina and Hector stripped the cobs as fast as I did one row. Hector and Reina gave me their bed and shared with the kids, so very kind of them. I went to the bathroom before bed and met a big fat cockroach on the medal toilet waiting to scare me away. I cocooned myself in my blanket all night freaked out by the bugs circling my head and the big spiders sitting on the wall watching me. I was treated like a princess, always given the most food and asked if I was comfortable. The rest of the weekend was spent playing soccer and taking pictures with the kids, helping Reina with cooking and clean up and sitting with her in her little stand above the house while she sold food. I learned a lot and saw another reality. I felt uncomfortable and some part of my head was waiting to return to the comfort of this house, then I realized how backwards it was to think that. Reina, Hector and the kids don’t get to leave and go home, they are home. I felt incredibly white and tall. Like my Chacos and my North Face pants and my big white forehead were totally out of place. I felt uncomfortable telling them about my life at home, knowing how different it is, realizing how incredibly privileged I really am. They let me into their lives, telling me about the two children they lost. One in the Earthquake and the other as a baby from a cause I cant quite understand. We talked about jobs and school, Vanessas dream of going to the University, her intelligence and maturity that blew me away. We talked about living in the city versus living in Cedro, about religion and family and just about life. Noe whined “mommmy mommmy” all weekend and Dianna bugged Nina Reina for 10 cents, the siblings fought and Noe didn’t want to eat his dinner. Vanessa used my camera as a mirror and wanted to play with the baby while the rest of us played soccer. We talked about sadness and happiness, the most basic of similarities between every life I know.

I saw so many parallels, but at the same time I saw so many differences. I felt the feelings of guilt and privilege for the first time. I questioned what it means to be a privileged white woman in a world filled with so many people with less than I. A world where solely having white skin means I have more. I wondered about the barriers this creates and what it means to want to work with people whose lives are so different for the rest of my life. What it means to be in this country solely for the purpose of accompiament and learning. I thought about power dynamics and how on earth I can put my privilege of having an education and so much more into something meaningful to create change in this world, to help create equality for the huge part of this world that is marginalized and living in poverty. I allowed myself to create barriers and feel uncomfortable.

Then I came home to this beautiful family that we have created here. Everyone so happy to see each other and share about our weekends. We had good conversation. They reminded me that guilt is unconstructive and I stopped and realized the barriers I had been creating. I came back to see all the similarities I had with the family. And my brain took steps in this whole big grappling process. I had been thinking a lot before about myself, as Sister Peggy said “ I dunno how you can stand all this looking at yourself”, honestly it was getting kinda hard. Then I stepped into this new reality and got a glimpse of the bigger picture. Ok this is who I am, strengths, flaws, lots of space for learning and growing… but now what, what is my place in this big beautiful and scary world? In praxis class we talked about the Pedagogy of the Oppressed and the ideas of the oppressor and the oppressed. Of liberation and relationships and what it means to be here having meaningful conversations, walking with the people and learning about the structural challenges. Then Tuesday morning in Poli Sci we talked about some of the many structural flaws. About the Oligarchy and what happens when people are forced to move to the states and then they send back remittances and families spend them and continue the cycle of supporting the Oligarchy. And in all this my little brain and heart just kept running and running trying to keep up.

This world is so many things. Lots that are hard to swallow. Lots that make it a little easier, that are the sunshine after the storm. This program is set up in a beautiful way that exposes us to all of it and helps us to reflect and process and not trip over ourselves in all the running. We are constantly thinking and reflecting and as exhausting as it is I think it’s the best way to see and take all this in while grappling with so much inside ourselves at the same time. I feel blessed beyond belief to be here, I feel confused, I feel thoughtful, I feel full of information and ideas, and I feel incredibly loved.

We have been here for four weeks and two days now. So much has happened. It still feels incredibly right. And amongst all of the learning and thinking there is relaxing, exercising, breathing and lots of laughing. Margot and I went to an aerobic dance class Monday and had so much fun. Last week we played hide and seek in our house and the police (who are stationed next door) came over to tell us to be quiet because of all the screaming and laughing that was happening. We ran home in the pooring rain one day just because. We have spirituality nights and community nights where we reflect and breath and check in and just support each other.

And maybe the most exciting of it all… this weekend is a free weekend, the first full one we have had and lots of fun is in store. Tomorrow myself and six others are going to this place with 7 waterfalls. We will take a bus there and then get a guide to show us around and lead our hike up to the waterfalls and between them. We’ll stay overnight in a cheap hostel and come back Sunday. I am so very excited for an adventure, a release, a weekend of fun without too much thinking J

Love to everyone at home, know that I am thinking of you so much and wish that I could be better at communicating. We are busy as can be and I feel like my words do not do justice to all that is happening in this little land. Maybe next week after a little break from thinking this weekend Ill have better words. Happy weekending!

9/7

2011-09-08T06:08:00.001-07:00

Wearing my melanzana for the first time in El Salvador. Driving away from the Zoo today I sighed “Oy, este pais”. Then I laid in my bed tonight with Margot, the closest thing to home and laughed uncontrollably. This is my heart at this moment.

This country is pulling and pushing, leading to laughter, tears, so much joy and a heavy heart.

The streets are busy and chaotic, buses and backs of pick up trucks filled with people, horns constantly honking, no rules to be followed, expert drivers weaving, turning and somehow avoiding crashes. Vendors fill the streets, yelling out at you wherever you go to buy their papusas, ice cream or junk. Uniformed men with the biggest guns I have ever seen guard businesses and nicer houses. Coils of barbed wire on top of every building. Uneven sidewalks, beautiful palm trees, barred windows, papusarias littering every road. Horns honk and men whistle at gringas walking by, out of habit more so than anything, or at least that’s what I can figure out so far. The eyes of my kids at Cedro are of love and pain. Toys on the playground are more dangerous than we in the U.S. would ever allow and the kids laugh just as hard or harder, and somehow they too keep their balance in the chaos. Driving out of Cedro every man has a machete, used as a tool not a weapon. Fincas (coffee), milpas (corn) and other farmland fill the roads, what we would call aluminum shacks and what they call homes are spaced out and hidden in the trees. Women walk miles with heavy loads balancing on their heads and most people look older than they are because of hard work and struggle. In the UCA professors look no different than those at home, well dressed and respectable. Students walk around with ipods and sit with their laptops outside of classes. Outside of the zoo Don Manuel kindly reminds me to put my camera away and a woman sits on the side of the road crying. Women breast feed wherever their child is hungry without pena and without demeaning looks from those who are “more sophisticated” or maybe just less human. Moms ask if there is enough food for them and one asks if her kids can have a sip of my water. Please, drink it all. The air smells like toxins but after a rain smells fresh as can be. Dogs run rampant, rib cages showing through. Oy, este pais.

Raw

Lupita, one of our beloved cooks tells us the story of her uncles being killed in front of their children, of the men breaking into her house at night looking for her father, of the pain and suffering and of the blessing they had of leaving the little town that was only the beginning of so much corruption. Of going to school without shoes and of living in fear. Julio tells us about his tia migrating to the U.S. and later his sister taking their cousin to be with her mother. Leaving her kids behind. Being detained, paying off the cops and arriving to a family member who left her desperate. Of her children who have never known their mother and live her with their Grandma. The risk of sending them to their mother and the pain they experience not knowing her. We learn about the poverty that forces people to leave. The extremity of the conditions that lead people to sacrifice so much.

Then we tell our own stories. Bear our souls and connect over just what being human feels like. Opening up, letting people in, thinking about all that it means to be all I ever want, vulnerable and genuine.

Raw

That word scares me. Just like the rest of the world, sometimes I feel like I have it all figured out, or at least something. Then I am reminded that in reality, I still and always will have so much to learn. Last night we reflected about “People enshrined in my heart, risks I have taken and sufferings that have seasoned me” I wrote and shared about things that are just easier to keep to myself. I thought deeper about them, saw them differently than I have for a while. Remembered pain and joy, love and support and realized things that I am still grappling with. I had an amazing conversation about the rawness of humanity, of the beauty and pain/fear that this leads too. I thought about how easy it is for life to take you somewhere you didn’t plan and how much intention goes into living right. I let my heart soar with kids at the zoo looking at monos, tigres, pajaros and identifying their colors and English names. I let it hurt for two brothers whose brains work differently and who have so many fewer services than they need, who want nothing more than love and life and who are so far behind. I came home and fell asleep in the hammock and then Quentin played “Tears in Heaven” and I explained to him how special that song is.

My heart was exhausted. So I laid in my bed with Margot and we fleshed some stuff out, and then we laughed and laughed and laughed about nothing. An explosion of so many emotions, of big learning and feeling and trying to understanding. Catharsis that was so needed. And now I am here, at a candelit table with three beautiful people, feeling my heart, eating cookie dough and living in this crazy life.

This is El Salvador and Casa de la Solidaridad.

Juxtaposition

2011-09-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

Im sitting in this little oasis we have found, El Arco. A cafe near our house surrounded with trees overlooking the city. Im sitting next to a woman of my soul, listening to Spanish music, catching up with the world and knowing I need to start doing homework soon. This morning I listened to a talk called "relating wisely to desire" from my lap top in my comfortable bed. I rolled out of bed leisurely and had a delicious breakfast of french toast and tea on the patio with my housemates. Yesterday we spent the day at another oasis, we may have well been at a tropical resort. Palm trees, beautiful plants, grass, a pool, and a river running through the property to play in. We read, slept, swam, played soccer, ate more pan dulce than should be legal, and fully enjoyed ourselves. We ate coconuts fresh of the trees that the gardener opened with his machete. Tanned (or burned) and enjoyed the beautiful scenery. (Pictures to come on facebook). It was the most beautiful day.

During the week we walk to our classes passing by people selling whatever they can on the streets. We learn about all the pain and struggle this country has experienced. The second most homicides in the world after Iraq, nearly 50% of the country in poverty and so many people making way less than is sufficent to survive. We spend two days at our sites where families live in one room houses without electricity and running water, where our comedor serves beans, rice and tortillas to families that cannot afford food. Where we are told when teaching English classes we cannot ask immediately about families, ever about their favorite resturaunts or what they did this weekend. This culture is living a totally different reality.

Oh the juxtaposition.

There is a part of me that feels guilty for this life I return to when I leave those communities. And a part of me that feels like my soul is being taken care of. But something about the fact that my soul needs taken care of after seeing what is the truth for those people every single day tells me that something is seriously wrong with this world.

I am having a beautiful experience. The pain and struggle in this country hurts my soul. And the hope and love ignite it. I am starting to learn something about priorities, about differences, about life. But oh do i have so far to go.

Communicating in a language I do not know very well is hard. Living in a house with 12 people and spending almost all your time with those and 15 others is challenging. Exploring how to respond to extreme poverty and pain is heart breaking. Feeling the things you feel when you are reflecting on big questions, thinking of home, thinking of faith and pain and beauty sometimes doesn't feel like peaches and cream. For the last 20 years my most beloved coping method has been optimism. Optimism that has done me well, but sometimes has also been to a fault. I have learned to make everything feel ok with a big smile, with a constant search for the beauty in things. Yes it is partly survival that is necessary and it is partly hiding from the truth. A week ago I said to Margot "I think I am being too optimistic, I am having trouble really processing all this without seeing the good in it all" Yes there is good, but also there is so so much bad. Pain that must be acknowledged, empathized with and someday in my life, understood well enough to help create a change.

We are taking liberation theology with Sister Peggy. A woman who is a legend at Santa Clara, in this country and likely in much larger areas of the world. She is one of the most dynamic woman I have ever met, and is in her 70s. She has seen pain and love and seems to have such a grasp on life. She tells us she doesnt know all the answers, but definitely more than we do. She jokes about not having a soul until you are thirty, tells us to pig out on life, and calls herself "a prisoner of hope". We read about The Great Turning, Mysticism and Impasse and the Dark Night. This idea of "too optimistic" halting our most courageous and creative form of living, keeping us from seeing life as it is, from being real, genuine and honest. Oh did it speak to me. This is so much of what pulled me here, so much of what I am ready to learn. The articles talk about how we as Americans are educated in rational thinking and not in emotions. For so long I have told myself it is weak to be anything but happy, but to feel emotions is one of the most important human qualities. To see them, acknowledge them and with time, to let them pass. Emotions are what motivate life and change and all things beautiful. We do not know light without dark and sometimes we need to sit in the darkness to see what this all means.

I want to learn what this all means and how to put it into my own life, I want to feel what these people feel no matter if I am sitting on a broken chair surrounded by chickens, getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and hearing stories of pain or if I am laying in a gorgeous tropical oasis tanning. I want to learn how to put all of this life into something that moves me more than it already does. I want to be present and alive, taking it all in and experiencing with all of my senses as Juancito has taught us too so that our writing can be better. Take me El Salvador, open me, break me, make me laugh, cry, learn and teach me. You are a country of so much knowledge, wisdom and love.

Praxis days are hard and taxing and eye opening. I know that means they are the most important. We come home exhausted. Listening to stories in Spanish takes so much focus and energy, often so much is lost. The kids and adults alike open our eyes to things we wish were not real and we come home without words too explain. This program was geniusly designed and again and again we are asked to reflect in ways that help us see things from a deeper lense. All I can do is try my very best to be present during my days at Cedro, then after my brain and heart have reenergized I can stop and think about all that I saw. My classes, sprituality and community night and just late night chats with my housemates help make it all real. Reflecting is the name of the game, and makes me feel more alive than ever.

Class days although long are almost relaxing. Some are in English and all are with familiar faces. More comfortable than our days at praxis and rejuvenating for our return. Thursday we played soccer with some of the Becarios(Salvadoran scholarship students) and others that were at the field ready to play the beloved game of futbol. We had a blast. I havent played soccer since senior year and it was so refreshing to be out there. Dust in our faces, slipping left on right on mud, yelling "aqui aqui" over and over again in Spanish since I dont know the correct words. Soccer ball bouncing between my feet, getting smacked with the ball on bare skin and the adrenaline of shooting or passing the ball. We ran after and almost every day. The air is hot and sticky and sometimes taste dirty from all the city toxins. The views are different but the act of running makes all the challenges of this new world less intimidating. Running is a place of peace. We are starting to get into a routine and so much of this feels so very right. There are moments that weigh hard but so many places of comfort, understanding, support, reflection and refuge.

We are coming on three weeks in and already my brain and heart are on fire. Sometimes painfully so. I am being challenged and loved. El Salvador is fulfilling its promises of opening my soul

Laundry and faith... 8/31

2011-09-01T08:58:00.001-07:00

Hello again… I have a few things on my mind… Spirituality, praxis, and laundry.

Ill start with the most painful…LAUNDRY. Just a little piece of knowledge to keep with you… those things we call laundry machines. THOSE ARE MIRACLES AND ANGELS AND EVERYTHING WONDERFUL. I just finished doing a load of laundry, I remember how I used to complain about this at home.. oh what a pain to put my clothes in the machine press start and wait 30 minutes to put them in another machine. Here we do all our laundry by hand. Soak, soap, scrub, rinse and rinse and rinse, ring out and then hang to dry and wait ya know just a quick 4 days. The thing is this would be totally worth it if my clothes felt super clean afterwards… but for some reason it just seems really hard to get them clean. Ill hopefully get the hang of it eventually, but for now I will struggle with my laundry. But I will do it laughing. Its silly… sometime Ill take a video so you can watch. Also, dirty is the name of the game here. Sticky, smelly, buggy, ya know… all those beautiful things that remind you that spending hours getting ready in the morning SO is not worth it. And you are much more than how badly you smell ;)

Ok enough for the whining…

Last night we had our first spirituality night. Spirituality is a BIG scary thing. Everyone sees it so differently, and sometimes it totally scares people away. We talked about what breathes life into us. Oh could I go on for days. I really love this life, people, nature, meaningful conversations, writing, kiddos, exercising… so much more. Then we talked about what faith tradition we were born into and where we are today in our spiritual journey. I guess you could say I was born Catholic. I mean I was, I am baptised and I think when I was itty bitty we went to church a lot. Life was pretty scary then and I know my parents found some solace in church. Then slowly life kept happening, and church became a Christmas and Easter event. I know so little about the bible and all of those things you learn if you are “born into a faith tradition”. I toyed with Young Life for a while but got scared away real fast… A lot of that knowing little but kinda wishing I knew something happened for a long time.

Senior year came along and life decided to send me on quite the ride during the spring. It seemed pretty scary. I remember days wondering how it was ever going to work out. Crutches, lots of time in my house alone, scary college money questions and scary things happening to people who matter more than I could ever understand. People helped me through it and that’s a totally different conversation. Something happened then on my spiritual journey though. Last day of senior year I went to Walter Byron during a free period. I remember exactly what I was wearing, the people I was texting, the thoughts I was having. And the colorful elephant journal I was writing in. The sun was beaming down and suddenly I realized… life is REALLY good. Im about to graduate, I am going to the school of my dreams, everyone is alive and kicking and we are making it through this scary rollercoaster. It just hit me that things work out, in crazy crazy ways. Something changed in me and since then I have just had this deep faith that things work out. I cant say 100% what I believe. Some part wants to believe in the God, some part just cant quite commit. For now… I am a believer in the Universe. I have faith that somehow things work out, that painful moments have deeper meanings of learning and growth, and that every moment is right in some way shape or form as long as I have the right attitude about it all. I believe the Universe puts things on my path for specific reasons, I believe life makes more sense than I sometimes want to believe. I believe everything will turn out somehow. And I also know I have a lot of learning and exploring still left to do. But for now.. I am a Universe person.

Now I am here in this place where struggle is so common. Poverty is life. The community I am spending two days a week in is full of people making $3 a day, close to $100 a month… and yesterday I learned that for a family of 4 to survive on the minimum that we in the U.S. consider necessary, they need about $600 a month. Sometimes two people in a family work but they often have more than two kids. Try as you might that just doesn’t equate. So things like electricity, water, phones, clothes, shoes, healthy food, education are no longer necessary or possible. Kids as young as 3 have seen their fathers killed because of gang involvement. And their peers already know how precious every kernel of rice is. High school is a dream that many cannot fulfill cause of money and distance, not because of intelligence or dedication. The struggle goes on. So what in the world is faith and spirituality in a world like that?

Having faith in the universe really means something totally different for me. I have a roof over my head, food to sustain me and an education that keeps me learning and growing, All that will in itself make everything turn out all right. What about with out those things? How do believe that everything will work out, and that things happen for a reason if you have never experienced a moment of complete comfort and fulfillment. That is what I am here to learn. I guess it’s about being comforted and sustained by different things. Family, love, sunshine. Really the same things… but without some of the basics I feel like so many of us wouldn’t be sustained by those things. Its like the needs pyramid.. basic comes long before self fulfillment (or whatever the correct words are..ya know)

At the end of our praxis days we drive out of the community honking and waving at the dozens of people we see walking back to their homes. All with such joy. But I wonder how it feels for them to see us leaving. They don’t get to drive away at the end of the day to their comfortable beds, running water, fresh cooked meals and big laundry sinks to whine about. That is home, not just something they are coming into to learn from. I feel ashamed driving away smiling and waving. We live such a different reality where we can drive away at the end of the day. Where faith in the universe becomes a little easier. With time I will ask these questions, I will search for a whole new meaning of faith, rooted in something so much deeper than that which I hold onto.

8/30

2011-08-30T13:32:00.001-07:00

Today I opened my email and had the most wonderful message from that trusty brother of mine. Communication with the rest of the world has been a bit of a limp in my step. You think its hard as a freshmen when your friends at home cant imagine what your dorm looks like and don’t know any of your new friends. You feel like there is less to talk about cause they might not understand. Thing is.. they totally understand. Their lives are the same game with different players.

In this new adventure I feel even more so like its just so hard to explain. Its so new to me and an experience of sorts that hasn’t been had by millions of people at home. The culture, lifestyle, language, food, SO much is different. So much is new and stimulating (I always get that word wrong I think its right this time though.) You cant even quite understand it yourself let alone get others to get it. So I go to this funny little internet café with my computer on my lap and try to explain all that’s happening here. And I leave every time really frustrated and overwhelmed like my words just aren’t doing justice for this experience. Not to mention mom and dads responses have been slightly umm… unconnected and its just a funny thing. Jesse waited a while to respond but today he reminded me “You shouldn't feel funny writing - you do it well and you never will be able to perfectly capture the experience”. Um… your right. Words will start to come easier, pictures will help, all will fall into place. This is life we are talking about, it always does. Just know that I am trying my best to send what I can but so much is being unsaid. This experience is light years more than something that I can put into a quick email or blog. So.. I will keep trying.

Jes asked some questions about what was happening here and ended his email saying “I am so happy for you and proud of you for embracing the experience. Don't try to hard to "do it right." Take it all in, go with the flow, whatever is right in that moment...

BAM… spot on brotha. So what I needed to hear. A lot has been happening and its so hard to be present enough, awake enough, open enough, loving enough, honest enough, good enough at Spanish… and all sorts of enough. But I need to just know that I, fully and completely as Michelle am enough, as long as I am always open to learning and growing. Speaking of Spanish Diana said something along the lines of “Although your spanish may be lacking woman, don't worry. You are fluent in the language of love! Big eyes, big heart, open arms can get you far anywhere!”Bam… spot on again.

We are in our praxis sites with two other people. I am with two of the people with the best Spanish in our group. At first I was intimidated and worried I wouldn’t be able to get enough words in or wouldn’t be able to keep up with conversations. Yesterday I realized, being with them is SUCH a gift. Its like running with Ella who is just a little bit better of a runner than I am and makes me go harder and longer. Listening to them speak teaches me, hearing their vocab and grammar is so good for me and it is my responsibility to take the initiative to get into conversations. But also, sometimes its ok just to listen (not my strong point I know, that’s why I am here… to grow J)

Our site is a beautiful place teeming with life, struggle, hope, passion, pain and so much more. We get to ride with our taxi driver Salvador part of the way in the morning. He totally blew my mind yesterday. I don’t know quite enough about affectionate and open adult males. He is here to teach me. He is so loving and wise and ready to have beautiful conversations. He went on and on about how special the three of us are, so open and outgoing, no pena (hard to translate but close to shame/ embarrassment) about our Spanish. He says it takes special people to create the feeling we had in that taxi. He told us about all the people he has driven and promised so many stories to come. I cant wait to spend my mornings with this man. We rode the rest of the way with Soar Ana Rosa. A sister of some something (ya know whatever nuns are) that I don’t know who is kind of in charge at Cedro. She is an amazingly strong and accomplished women who just goes about her daily business giving to no end. Shes strong and bossy and all the nice words my mom uses to describe me sometimes ;) but she was oh so wonderful to us. We spent the morning with the kindergardeners. One girl broke my heart asking again and again for one of my bobby pins… bobby pins are like..less than pennies. Preety much like pieces of trash that girls completely rely on but go through packs and packs because of how easy they are to misplace. For sweet little Rosa it was something special, later she asked for Claras watch and necklace and I started to get a little concerned. Something in her life is motivating all this. Maybe its that she has so little materially or maybe its something a little deeper than that. Then there was William, who hugged me and grabbed my hand as often as he could. Sweet as could be and totally the cuddly little 5 year old I always wish Kamryn would turn into (not really I love her just how she is) but 5 year olds just aren’t naturally that affectionate, and again my big open eyes wandered what his little life looks like. So many kids grabbed my attention, I could go on for days. But I have four months to learn about them. To listen to them, not just their words but so much more. Kids are such a beautiful thing to me, living through such scary things but running around at recess silly and joyful as can be. The world has a lot to learn from them.

Later we served food in the comedor (community kitchen), some kids stay after school to eat, other older kids come on their way to or from school (most only go for half a day because of space, funding, resources, teachers, etc). Lots bring tuperwares to take home food to their family. I watched one tiny little girl scrape every last left over bean and kernel of rice out of her bowl into the tuperware to take home to her family. The knowledge she had of how precious that food is broke my heart once again, this is a reality that so many of us at home know so little about.

We had lunch with Soar and the women who work at the center. There are amazing, loving, beautiful, strong women everywhere we go. And we started talking about family, brothers and sisters, all those basic questions. Someday I will figure out my coined response for how many siblings I have. Its always a struggle.. if I just say two they ask why we are so far apart. If I say 3 I expose a little of my soul to people and sometimes the pity that is returned just makes for an awkward interaction. Anyways Soar asked and I said “Somos tres,pero ahora solamento hay dos” (We are three but now there are only 2). I gave a 3 second explanation of Eric and his leukemia, she smiled and we moved on. There is something really… liberating about saying that (especially in Spanish for some reason.. I like somos tres). It is also interesting how so often at home that response would turn into story time, but for Soar.. and probably for so much of this country responses like that are common and matter of fact. Stories and emotions can come later, but for yesterday that was just the truth. It’s a beautiful thing I tell you, and today when someone asked how many siblings I had, I said it again. Im sticking with it, Eric is someone worth knowing. I think about him a lot here for whatever reason. My so very special picture with him is the closest to my pillow and I explained to one girl today… losing Eric gave something really positive to Jesse and I. I don’t know where Im going with this other than maybe there is some sort of connection over loss and something to be said for being real and honest in the most simple of ways. The boys are learning “If I Saw You In Heaven” Someday I will tell them how that song makes my heart soar and this perfect image I have of dad on the deck in Michigan saying “this is my song for Eric”. Vulnerable and genuine are themes in my head… this country, my goals, my weaknesses and my hopes for this time here. Its missing at home and now is my time to figure out how to make it more a part of me.

Today we had Political Science… the class I still haven’t decided if I should take or not. The classes are all too great and right now I am “taking” six… we are only supposed to take 5 but they are just too interesting and wonderful. Poli Sci counts toward my major and is SO interesting. Just after one class I feel like I have such a better understanding of this country. How money is distributed, made, moved, lost, shared, etc. Unemployment, agriculture, war, violence, prostitution. The differences between the U.S. and El Salvador. SO VERY INTERESTING. Also, its going to be a super easy A, he said… my only rule is that we enjoy this class, I don’t want you to be stressed at all about this. Ill take it… a class where I learn SO much but also get to enjoy it and not have loads of homework and tests. Then there is Life Writing. A legend of a class taught by a Santa Clara professor who everybody raves about. I don’t think Im going to get it to count for anything but it is so wonderful. I love writing and I may never really have a chance to take a writing class. Its all about experiences and autobiography and sounds like its almost going to be therapeutic. It’s a lot of work but seems totally worth it. So I want to take both.. plus the other 4 I have to take, and I might be crazy. We shall see.

Nate said in his blog, I am being so energized by the people here..both in the program and the Salvadorans. It is so true. There is just this feeling of energy and love, understanding, thoughtfulness and commitment to this experience that is always in the air. Everytime we are apart we look forward to coming back together and spilling about our days. We are starting to get into the thick of it all a little bit together and it is so wonderful. I am right where I need to be and couldn’t be happier. I am exhausted, itchy, stinky and always sweaty and sticky. But none of that matters one bit. Sorry for the sudden explosion of thoughts and words. My brain is starting to work again. And still there is so much I left out. Ill be back. XOXO

8/25

2011-08-28T13:39:00.001-07:00

Wow… this post has been a long time coming. Or at least it feels that way, Ive only been here for just over a week, but it feels like I have been here for a lifetime. I have to write this at home and then go somewhere with Internet to send it. So far my relationship with internet has been a little funny, being in this place where we are so present and so much is happening and then getting on the internet and trying to explain it slash take in all that comes from the internet is slightly overwhelming. With time I will figure out how to balance being here but also keeping in regular and meaningful contact with home, but in all honesty for now it feels like a bit of a disconnect.

Im not even sure where to start, thinking back to the first night we got here seems like ages ago. In my email my dad said I need to find a better adjective than amazing… so I’ll try, but I cant make any promises.

The people here are beautiful in so many ways. For the past week we have had orientation… the first two days were just logistics, rules, safety precautions, settling in, etc. Then we started touring the different praxis sites. There are ten sites around the community, in and outside of the city that we will be spending our Mondays and Wednesdays. Seeing them all has been absolutely amazing, heart warming and heart breaking all at the same time, and has already taught us so much about this country and its people.

We have seen so much pain, struggle and poverty but even more hope, dedication, joy and love. Today, we had our first day of classes and we talked about senses. Touch has been such a special one. We are a group of gringos and for this week we have been traveling as all 26 (plus 5 coordinators) but family after family invited us into their homes to welcome us to El Salvador. Men, women, kids… hugged and kissed us on the cheeks with no reserve. There is this common bond between people here, maybe it comes from the struggle they have experienced, surely its somewhat because of the trust that has been created with the Casa program. They do not doubt our intentions, the kids jump on us and giggle with us and the people tell us all about their lives. They are so honest, vulnerable and real. Characteristics, words, ideas that I feel are so important, and so often lost from life at home. Things that will be very meaningful to this trip, and things that I hope I can learn to be more a part of me.

We have seen community centers working to give children a full day of school, books to read, something similar to preschool. Companies working to give women a way to make money, sell their crafts and keep them from the scary and deathly maquilladores (factories), a clinic that gives check ups for $3-$10 so that the huge population that does not have the money to go to the doctor is able to receive health care, a center that is trying to give people a way to walk with God every day without some of the scary, critical, exclusive institutional practices of the church. People who walk 30 mins up a hill every day to just be in solidarity with communities in the most real form of poverty. Living in what we in the U.S. would call shacks, without electricity and running water and on $4 a day that they make carrying 200 pounds up and down a hill in the fincas (coffee farms). We have seen so much. Again.. so much pain, but so many people working to make the pain a little easier to deal with and so many smiling, hopeful faces that are just happy to be alive, and have visitors in their home.

All of this has been with a group of absolutely out of this world people. Everyone is here for the right reasons, learning, growing, being challenged, loving. Our hearts all touch. We laugh so much but when we need to cry, we can do that too. The conversations are meaningful and beautiful… yet equally silly and mindless. We have deep reflections and play crazy silly games, run together in the mornings, sit around and tell stories and eat our meals together. We are a family of familiar understanding in a place where so much scary and unfamiliar will rock our world.

It feels so very right and I know so many beautiful things are on their way for me. Most the time I can understand people in Spanish but sometimes have trouble responding, and of course sometimes I miss things but with time that will come. The food is absolutely amazing and I am living in the “big” house.. Casa Romero with 11 other students and a wonderful Community Coordinator.. Quentin who is from SCU. I have a room to myself which is slowly becoming more and more like home. The showers are freeeezing but a nice wake up after a morning run and all of it is fantastic.

I haven’t visited my site yet but am one day closer. Mine is the last one we will visit on Saturday and I am so very excited. I think in a way our Praxis sites kind of become our identity and our home. Im ready to have a home amongst Salvadorans. To show my excitement and love and gratitude to a group of people who are welcoming me into their life to teach me to be all of the things that they are that I hope to be. To help me to understand their lives, myself and how on Earth together we can make a difference. Classes started today and I think they are going to be extremely interesting and challenging for our hearts and minds, exactly what this whole journey is about.

I will try to be back more frequently and be less summarizy..again, Im still figuring out this whole contact with home thing. Come to El Salvador! It will steal your heart!

T O M O R R R O W

2011-08-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

Um so... my bags are packed. My tickets are printed. Goodbyes have been said and all the little details are coming together.

I am going to El Salvador... TOMORROW! Not in a year or six months or two weeks.. TOMORROW. In 24 hours I will be there. In the place I will be living for four months. I can only imagine all the emotions that are going to come along with that. And boy am I excited.

The thing is I dont really have words. Its still kind of surreal but its also just so dang exciting. Yea Im a little nervous, probably wont be able to speak great Spanish the first couple days and may have brought too much or too little of something. But just like I have for the past 7ish months.. I just know its right. Its time for the next big adventure. Another challenge and opportunity and beautiful learning experience, just to keep riding on the tails of all these others.

Young RYLA this year taught me more than I could have ever imagined.. and I think it helped me to be ready for El Salvador.

I cant wait to see all that comes of it. Its crazy to think this summer is over. My stint as head JC of Young RYLA is over and I am going into my Junior year... in EL SALVADOR.

I will try to update as often as I can... heres to the next adventure. And to an amazing summer of Young RYLAness and all the life that has gotten me here!

letting go

2011-08-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. how do I start this.

My heart feels funny. Torn. Kinda sad to see something so special end. So excited for something new and amazing to begin. Grateful that my life is so good that truly every time one great thing ends another begins. Hopeful that the people in this life know how thankful I am for them.

Friday night was another wonderful night of Young RYLA lovin. Dinner at Miggles, Apples to Apples and fudge stripe cookies and then roof star gazing at Heidi's. So much fun, such amazing out of this world people, such a feeling that I cant explain and that I am reminded of again and again, summer after summer. It is such a special thing and I cannot believe how much of my life it has become. I think about that girl four years ago going to this camp I knew nothing about, excited, nervous but more than anything else... completely unaware of the impact it would have on my life. Of the way it would give and give and give for as long as possible... of the way it would become home.

I dont think I will ever feel like the words I put to this feeling, to the gratitude and the love I have for these people will do justice. Its just too overwhelming of an emotion and love for words to be enough. I have had four years of amazing teams, as a conferee, then 1st and 2nd year. Each year there were those specific ones that I stayed incredibly close too and each year the team felt a little different. This year... I feel like my heart touches EVERY single one of their hearts, like we were meant to live on this planet together and hold each other up and laugh together and never ever let go of this time we had together. Yes, we will get busy and wont stay in touch as well as we should but the love and gratitude I have for this group of people who I watched make the magic happen is something I havent quite felt before. This year they became a part of me, building Young RYLA has been my baby for the past 10 months and having the most fantastic group of people to implement it all, to make it all real, to put their hearts and souls into every moment feels like the most amazing gift in the world. Im rambling again but the point is... I love each and every one of you JC's and SC's like you are more than family, you have brought so much to my life and changed it more than I ever knew possible.

Young RYLA has given me so much. Strength, love, hope, compassion, leadership skills... the list could go on and on forever. Its so incredibly hard to let go but its almost like it has shaped me and now its time for me to go fly on my own and spread the magic to the rest of the world. It has been such a constant, such a wonderful thing to look forward to, and the perfect place to get together once a summer with the best people in the world. Again, i wish I had words for how much it has done for me, and how thankful I am to have been a part of it all. I know that it has so much more to give and it will continue to change lives forever, so happy that so many more people get to continue to feel this overwhelming emotion and have their lives changed by this program that we are so dang lucky to be a part of.

Debrief yesterday went beautifully, I was worried it would be painful and yea its far from the most enjoyable part but the ideas and thoughtfulness were wonderful. For so many years to come it will only continue to get better. The board decided there would be 2 YRYLAs next year... so freaking exciting. Double the amount of people that get to feel all that I just gushed about, double the JC's to be empowered by the kids, double the love and magic. Its easier to let go of something when you know it will continue to thrive and that it is in the best possible hands. Its a beautiful thing I tell you.

I drove Toria home... my sweet sweet girl who has become so freaking close this year. We chatted about all things life.. boy do I feel so lucky to have her and so many others in my life. Then I talked to Jess forever after I dropped her off... when you talk to someone almost every day since October, a week of not talking seems like forever. We had so much catching up to do and boy am I thankful for that woman :). Then Rubs called... both of us sad to see the end we talked about how special it is, how right it all feels and how we have to keep finding beauty in life. We joked about this being the peak of our life... how there isnt much thats as special. And ya know, in all honesty, theres not, but there are a lot of things that are close and it seems one of those its just a few days away. As we were talking the clouds above Lake Dillon turned this awesome pink and orange and their reflection on the lake was completely unreal.. just a reminder of all the beauty there really is in this world. Its a good life, we are lucky to have each other and this experience and the best we can do is take it and run with it :)

The next big thing is as close as it can be. Summer is coming to a close but it doesnt even feel sad. This summer has been so Young RYLA focused and being at camp was exactly what I needed to get me ready for El Salvador. I was reminded of so much meaning in life, of being genuine, of struggle and of so much hope and love. Im ready to take it with me. Im so very excited to start this new journey and can barely wrap my mind around the fact that it is actually happening right now, right before my eyes.

Im going to be LIVING in Central America, speaking Spanish on the reg and taking some seriously amazing classes. Working in the community and getting to know a group of people on a totally different level. I am so excited, so blown away at the opportunities life hands me, and maybe a little nervous that it is so very soon :). Its time though, life has me right where Im supposed to be :). Ill be back with more thoughts on El Salv.

Thank you Young RYLA for all you have given me, thank you beautiful people in my life for being so out of this world, thank you to this years staff for truly making it the best week we could have asked for! I love you!

rambling gratitude

2011-08-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

I can tell you right now this post is not going to do justice. My head and heart are flooded with emotions and thoughts. So much has happened, so much is about to happen. Life is so good to me.

Today, Junior said "When it rains, it poors good things". SO TRUE! Life has been poooorrinng good things on me for the past two years and it seems to just keep getting better.

Young RYLA 2011 has come to a close. Young RYLA in the form I have known in for the past three years has come to a close. And I could not have asked for a better ending. We had THE most amazing week, something that I cannot explain to you if you werent there. Things just went right. Some of it was luck, some of it was a great balance of leadership and personality between Jess, Junior and I, and most of it was the amazing team we were so lucky to have chosen. Every single JC and SC we wanted there was able to be there and they ROCKED it. For the past two years as a JC I watched my team and relished in how much they learned and grew, how amazing they were, and hoped that my week with them would leave an impact. This year I watched 12 JC's kick butt. I relished in how well they did and I knew that this was only the beginning of how much fire they would spread to this world, how much change they would make and how huge of an impact they have and will continue to have on this world. I cannot describe how amazing each and everyone of them is. Each in their own way, spreading love and hope and inspiration and so many things to these kids, to me and to so many other people. They put their hearts and souls into this week and did such an amazing job. I feel so grateful for each one of them for being there to make this last week of Young RYLA so easy and amazing and fulfilling. They taught me so much and forever will hold such a huge place in my heart.

Then, there were the kids. Amazing and mind boggling as always. At first I worried I wouldnt have the chance to get to know them. Slowly I found the ones that would be so meaningful, open my eyes and remind me of all that is beautiful and scary in this world. They taught me so much. Their tears and smiles, their questions and fears, their laughter and dance moves. Its all gonna stick with me for so long. The boy who told me that 1 of the first 5 awesome things in his life is Young RYLA and another is hope, the one who cried in the lunch line, the sweet girl who reminded me when I woke up too sleepy that I was supposed to be thinking "this is the first day of the rest of my life", the one who knows her life isnt as long as she deserves it to be, the one who cried and cried before he would finally leave, the one who finally made eye contact with me, the ones who struggled and struggled but finally came into the Young RYLA world, showed their team all their moves and were amazing, and so many more. Faces and stories flood through my head when I think of all the amazingness in those kids. They come from hard and somewhat easy, ups and downs, different colors, religions, families, so many different lifestyles. But they know how to dance their hearts out and they have so very much to give to this world. As I told them Thursday night, I belive in them more than anyone else in the world. I feel so lucky to have known them, to be inspired by them and to be living in a world with them. One that they will without a doubt make a better place.

We danced, we sang, we hiked and learned and had meaningful conversations. We expected so much of the JC's, SC's and kids and they all far exceeded our expectatons. They came together and held each other up. They broke down barriers. I could go on for hours. Its a beautiful thing, one that you should try to be a part of someday if you arent already. It changes lives, and Im not just saying that.

RYLA has given me so much, and as sad as I am to let go.. it has prepared for the world. As Jess said yesterday "We cant dissapoint the program, lets go set the world on fire". And that is exactly what we will do. Take all that the last four years have taught us and make this world a beautiful place. We will create change and spread love and passion. We will live as best as we can and work to always be the best versions of ourselves.

I have learned so much this summer. So much about leadership and myself and other people. About organization and logistics, about working with others, about what it takes to create a team and to be a leader that people can turn to for support and so much more. I am so grateful. Im rambling, I know... so you get the point. It was amazing. It fueled me. It will fuel me for the rest of my life.

And it best keep fueling me right on through cause I AM LEAVING FOR EL SALVADOR IN ONE WEEK! Crazy crazy crazy. Its time to get into go mode (ha, like there was ever time to not be in go mode). Packing, dentist, doctor, hair cut... seeing everyone I can possibly fit. Breathing some. Soaking up this mountain air. And hopefully sooner than later taking a little time just to process. This is the beginning of that.

I am as ready as I will ever be. This summer has prepared me just as I hoped it would. Time at home to think. Time with my mama. Honesty like I have never known it before. Vulnerability. Learning. Self evaluation. A little relaxing. And Young RYLA to push all of that even further. To remind me how to soak it all up. To bring out the tears when they need to come out, but to be compassionate, caring, and to live with integrity always. I have learned so much. Life is preparing me for the next adventure.

So I will spend the next 6 days packing, loving my mama and the people in this world as much as I can. Preparing my head and heart. And just enjoying a little more time at home.

Sorry for the ramble. Heres to a really good life.

XOXOXO

and it begins

2011-07-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

I so dont have time to be writing in here but I just have to.

I am off to my final Young RYLA. The end (sort of but not really) of a four year saga of amazing life changing weeks every single summer to bring me back to my center, to inspire me, to hold me up, to show me how amazing this life is. This one is going to top it all of. I am so very excited. I am as ready as I will ever be and I know that things are going to go wonderfully. I have evaluated and reevaluated my strengths and weaknesses and am ready to be my best for these kids. I am so very excited to do this with Jess and Junior by my side and watch and learn from the most amazing team of JC's and SC's. I am ready to watch the kids eyes light up from a new perspective, to plan, to organize and more than anything else to support. I am ready for another amazing week but not quite ready for it to all be over :)

I cant put it all into words. I know the universe is on my side. I know that right now in my life this is what I need to be doing. I know that I will learn and grow so much. That my heart will be given wings and that more will come from it than I can ever expect. I know there will be challenges but those will be overcome with joy and love like none other. I am ready.

Heres to an amazing week, thank you everyone in my life for getting me here :) I wish i could bring you all along! <3 <3 <3

2011-07-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

Young RYLA starts ONE WEEK from today.

Craziest thing Ive ever heard.

Its weird how you start planning and working in October and spend 10 months planning... and suddenly its here. And before we know it it is going to be over.

There are all sorts of emotions surrounding that. Excitement, nervousness, a itty bitty bit of fear, so much gratitude and a whole bunch of love.. and the idea of it ending has a little bit of sadness connected to it.

What a beautiful thing. I guess I dont really have great words for it right now, its just on my mind.

I had a great great couple days off, took my little cousin to Elitches and flashed back to 7th grade, and what mattered then.. tried to give her a little wisdom to make some of the silly stuff less important. Then went to Estes to spend sometime with my best friend and second family. It was just what I needed. Familiar, stable, perfect. We giggled so much, talked about little things and big things and just let life pause for a bit so we could be best friends.

Also went back to big RYLA to tell the exhausted kiddos to apply to be JC's at Young RYLA. It was so great to be there again, watch the slideshow and feel the magic that Suzi and Brady created. It was a good glimpse into whats coming for us in a week. And made me tear up.. hahaha.

I spent Friday night at Juniors with 5 JC's who were there to do inventory in the morning. We played dominos, laughed, and went on a late night playground adventure. It was fantastic. They are fantastic and I am so excited for our team and this amazing thing. I guess I just cant quite wrap my mind around the fact that its happening so very soon.

Like I said in my last post, the universe is a crazy place. I swear it hears me and knows me better than I know myself. And does a really good job keeping me in check. Its funny how old emotions bring up old habits. I have been reminded of some emotions that I used to spent a lot of time with, and talking to my brother last night I realized that in a lot of ways Im dealing with them the exact same way that I used to. Bizarre... working on that one in my head.

This summer is running out of my time REALLLL fast. 5 days of working til we go in full Young RYLA mode, 9 days there then back for 10 days before El Salvador. Crazy talk I tell ya. Its a good life though, even if there is still lots to figure out... <3 <3

universe reminders... struggling, supporting and overcoming

2011-07-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

The universe is smarter than we ever want to believe.

I went to the RYLA 25th anniversary on Saturday night. Drove up to Estes just like I did 4 years ago, all these feelings came rushing back. The nervousness that was precamp of who I was going to meet, what was coming out of the week, just a reminder of those feelings. Then before I could even wrap my mind around wondering what it would be like and searching for that feeling it just came exploding out of Willome Hall, the place where it all started. So many beautiful people and feelings and such a beautiful thing. Reconnecting with old friends and meeting new friends but automatically connecting because of this thing we are so lucky to be apart of. It was amazing, it fueled my soul. I drove to Fort Collins afterward to stay with Kamryn, my head rushed with thoughts and memories and gratitude. So so much gratitude for this world and life and the moments that have shaken and pushed me and help me find my way.

I came home and went in and out of my Leadville funk the last few days but again spent such meaningful time with important people. And have had conversations that needed to be had. Sunday night I laid in my bed with someone so important and formative in my life and talked about faith. Faith that things work out somehow, a faith I have grown since senior year in high school when it seemed my life was all falling apart and suddenly I was ok and on my way out and since then have been living this beautiful picture perfect life of learning, growing, inspiration and stability. I talked about how I dunno if that faith would survive if something shook me. And the universe heard me.

Last night Katie and I made a delicious dinner, watched a girly feel good movie and just enjoyed some time together. For those moments it seemed like all was right in this world. My mama didnt get home til late and some too familiar 5th grade emotions errupted, a conversation was started and some truths came out that maybe I have been avoiding all summer. Our relationship is the best its ever been and compared to two years ago my mama is so healthy and happy and stable. But life doesnt just come in and out of your life and not leave any marks on your soul. Her heart has raw, hurt and unsure spots on it. Spots on it of fear, disappointment and insecuritie. Her life is still not exactly where she wants it, and definitley not where I want it.

The world has so much to offer us. I really believe that if we have the tools and attitude to go out there and search for more we will find more. Not more money or more stable jobs or even necessarily more support from our country and other people. But just more meaning deep down in our souls. This world is not kind enough to give everyone what they need, to allow everyone to have food on their tables and shelter over their heads and for so many without those things searching for something deep within their soul is the most challenging, but also the most meaningful. Our life here is preety dang glamorous compared to so many others. Yes money has been a struggle for years and in my mamas eyes it all doesnt make a lot of sense, but with time and effort I know she can get to a place where it makes a little more sense. And those bruises on her heart are a little more healed.

It shook me like I forgot I could be shaken. So many times during middle school and high school I felt those feelings. Of fear, helplessness, dissapointment and sadness that she struggled. Last night I felt them all over again. I was so scared and so overwhelmed trying to figure out what to do with the knowledge that she actually isnt in as perfect of a place as she thought. Lucky for me I have some of the most amazing people in my life to remind me, guide me, support me and hear me out.

I needed to see that all was not just rainbows and butterflies. Maybe she hasnt had the conversations we have with anybody else. Maybe there is no one to push her and encourage her to find her way. Maybe this little town is gulping her up a little, and I needed to see that so before I take off for 4 months I can at least have the conversations with her.

I know that I cant fix it all, but admittedly will forever have the struggle of wishing I could. But I can support her and love her and be honest with her. Sometimes when you let yourself be alone with your head everything gets blown out of porportion. Like when you stay up late at night and things seem so much more complicated than they really are. Then the next morning you call your best friend and are reminded of all the things in your life that keep you on top, that fuel you, that help you to get through the hard times. I want to be that for my mama. I want to help her see there is more out there. And that overcoming so much of what she has is not the end. Life can continue to get better and more meaningful. She can continue for the rest of her life to become happier and more sure of this world.

Cause if we are here just here to settle, really what life are we bringing to this world? For the past 20 years my mama has taught me not to settle, she has taught me to be introspective, to challenge myself, to learn and grow and go places. To find meaning and look deep within the world for life and lessons. She has done such an amazing job instilling that in me. Maybe now it is my turn to remind her of all those things. Maybe the world just seems a little cloudy and she needs a trail to that moment of realization. The one I had the last day of senior year laying in the grass and have had again and again since then.

Thank you universe for shaking me a little, for being honest with me and bringing the struggles into the open. Heres to honesty and support and pain... but more than anything else to taking that pain and fear and running with it, to searching for a way to continue to overcome.

open, honest, beautiful conversations

2011-07-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hmm... it is dang near my bed time but I keep thinking of writing and then never getting here.

My life is quite the life. Sometimes, or more than sometimes this summer while I have been home I have worried about the insignificance of my summer, the lack of meaning in my life and the lack of that feeling of so alive and grateful and soaking up all the juices of this life.

As much as I love Leadville the pace is a little slow and every moment is not filled with learning, growing and amazing conversations. Yet when I stop and sit back I am reminded of how full of meaning my life is and how many amazing beautiful people I have just a phone call or even quick walk away to remind me of that.

The last few days have been filled with wonderful phone calls and skype dates... Cara, Kelsey, Margot all brought their beautiful views on life right back into mine. A drive around the lake with Katie to just chat. Honest, open, real, and meaningful conversations are easily my most favorite thing on the planet. This summer I have been having them with my mama more than anyone else, something I could not be more grateful for. And the last couple days chats have been such good reminders of how beautiful life is, how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life and how meaningful it really is for me to be home this summer. To be home planning Young RYLA and learning from my amazing Co Head, Chair and team of kick ass counselors. To be home with my mom spending time with her, getting along like we never have before, talking openly and honestly about the challenges that life has thrown us and how we will forever continue to grow and learn together.

If I wasnt home this summer I wouldnt have gone to a Rockies game with my pops tonight. Our annual father/ daughter outing where he teaches me a little more about baseball, mining, driving, whatever seems significant to him in that moment. Where we sing the Star Spangled banner and eat peanuts together. Where our relationship that seems too quiet for me is just what it is, and even if we are sitting quietly next to each other we are enjoying each others company.

I also wouldn't be able to go the the 25th Anniversary of RYLA Celebration tomorrow. I am so very excited. This summer is so much about Young RYLA and really it has all kind of become a way of life for me. I will be back at the YMCA in Estes where it all started with a team mate, my JC, my SC and at least one of the Head JC's that were there and integral in the week that started this all for me. I really think RYLA helped to put me on the right track. Life wasnt necessarily peachy keen in high school and I wasnt necessarily the most aware, loving, giving, compassionate person in the world. RYLA rocked my world and taught me about support and love and giving and learning and challenges becoming strength. And today, 4 years since I went to RYLA... it has shaped me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. So many out of this world people have come into my life, some just for one week or a fraction of that week and some that will last forever... plus everything in between. But their faces flash through my head, their stories, their love, their optimism and all of the lessons that they taught me. I could go on forever but literally, Im not just saying this, RYLA has changed my life. And I couldn't be more excited to celebrate it tomorrow with some of the most important people who have made it go and have continued to spread that love all over the world. Its a beautiful thing I tell ya.

El Salvador is creeping closer and closer and closer. One month and one day away and I will land in this country that I have heard so much about. I will land in the next journey, challenge, amazing experience. I will meet people that will become best friends and some that already have. I will have my world rocked. We signed up for praxis sites and housing and got the book list for a few of our classes. I talked to Margot today about how surreal it is, how excited we are. How much time we have spent thinking about it and how soon it is coming. As much as I struggle with it now and then I think this summer is maybe exactly what I need before I go. A little down time, sometime with my mom, sometime to just let my brain be before there is more meaning and confusion and questions and beauty and complexity in my life that I know what to do with. But boy am I excited.

There is so little time left in this summer and I really wanna enjoy it. I also am at peace with the fact that I am not constantly in awe with life and experiencing all sorts of exhilaration, I am experiencing it all on a different level that is equally good for the soul...

Thank you beautiful people in my life for the forever reminders.. Young RYLA training and all the conversations I have been so lucky to have had this past week have woke me up a little and helped me to think a little more about where Im at... in a beautiful place, just as every other moment...

that feeling

2011-07-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

Hellooo,
I have been horrible horrible horrible about writing. Ive tried a few times but the words just didnt come as much as they should have. My inspiration and thoughtfulness just comes to me differently at home than it does at school when Im constantly being pushed to learn and grow.
The transition home is always a little bit of a challenge, just such a different pace. Young RYLA, coffee shop and time with my mama have filled the majority of my time. Visits to Boulder and FoCo, some time with the crew, sledding on 4th of July and my fair share of time on the couch reading have also defined my summer. Nothing extremely exciting but good for the soul in its own way.

Young RYLA training was this weekend. Words cant describe the feeling it brought, especially when Im still running on fumes after I used so much energy and got so little sleep this weekend. I had butterflies Friday worrying about how on earth I would get across to them what I felt was important. How would I create a team and that sense of excitement, respect and responsibility that makes Young RYLA go. Less than an hour into our time with the team all that was gone and my level of confidence in the way this year will work had sky rocketed. We have the most amazing team and I dont have a worry in the world about how they will do at camp. They are gonna kick some serious butt.

Its funny being in this role and trying to find exactly what my role means. Guide them, love them, support them... my motherly instincts come out but more so I just wanna be their best friends. We want them to look up to us and respect us but I want there to be mutual respect and to feel like equals. I wanna joke and laugh with them and let them lead themselves more so than I lead them. They are making our job so easy and I just feel so lucky to have such an amazing time. The emotions were flowing and I left with this huge sense of pride, joy and excitement. This all really will come together and we have such a great group to pick up our slack that its ok for me to be human, its all gonna work out wonderfully.

It was funny sitting there watching the slide show, pictures from our 1st year flashed across the screen and something hit me. Young RYLA has become such a definitive part of my life, the people, the memories, the lessons... they have all been such a huge part of where I was and who I have become and this is my last year to give it all I have. Its so exciting to see the first years coming in and how much greatness is ahead of them, its so cool to think of how far Ive come as a person and as an active player in the Young RYLA game. I feel so lucky and the amazing people who have come into my life though this beautiful thing really mean more than they will ever know, and this weekend a whole new batch of beautiful relationships sprouted, I cant wait to see them blossom.

I feel blessed. I feel grateful, excited, proud, relieved, confident and exhausted. I was reminded why I am doing this and the meaning of my summer slapped me across the face. Im right where I am supposed to be (who would of thought ;))

Not to mention, my favorite 4 year old (HOLY WOW...4 years) Just gave me a beautiful toe nail paint job and I get to spend the day with her tomorrow before going back to my mama who has become such a special part of my summer. Sometimes I struggle trying to find the beauty, inspiration, meaning and excitment in my life. Its there I tell ya, sometimes I just gotta let life give me some down time to prepare me.

Thanks for the reminder Young RYLA team, you are the best I could ask for! XOXOXOX

rich meaningful and whole versions of ourselves

2011-06-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

Hello there little blog land. Happy Summer... its starting to feel like it a little more. I have spent the last week in Boulder, Fort Collins, Idaho Springs seeing friends, playing with my sweet Kamryn, and doing lots of RYLA work. And now I am home ready to just be here some. Its funny though, all that roaming around Colorado sorta made me feel like it was just a short break. Then I got home last night and realized how much I miss that other home that I have come to love so dearly.

Home has been great, and I really haven't actually been home home much. But I have seen so many friends and been busy with RYLA planning and all the stuff that will fill my summer. And as wonderful as it is here, really I love it and I love that my best friends know me like no one else ever will, it is just such a different world.

I just talked to Cara and we talked about how the conversations are different and how people I have known for a year know me sooo well, and its just a different me that they know than the one who people know here. I guess in a way everyone at school knows the most present version of me, the me that is so excited and passionate about social justice issues and education and different cultures and seeing and doing and living every moment to the fullest. And the friends here know the life that formed me to be this person, the Michelle that loves people and is strong because she has to be and they know my life is a little different than theirs. But the conversations are just different. One is not better than the other just different because of different contexts. At school conversations regularly revolve around travel and marginalized communities and education and how we are gonna change the world. And so much of that is because my closest friends have become the ones who spend their time learning about these issues and we are in a place where we are constantly forced to think about these issues and challenge ourselves and for that I am so so so very grateful. I told Cara maybe its just because at school everything we do is so rich and meaningful and we are such whole versions of ourselves cause in our classes, at our SCCAP program and arrupe placements and even sometimes on weekends we are are constantly challenged to see things from a different perspective, to look deep within ourselves and our culture and our lifestyle and be so aware of all we have and of all the other lifestyles out there. So we are always thinking about things in a somewhat raw form, where as sometimes at home it is easy to just be.

I think a mix of the two is good. It is good to questions and think and push for change but it is also ok sometimes to let your head and heart rest and soak up the life that you have. I think that the last two years of questioning and looking at different cultures and learning about social justice has allowed me to love every moment of this life so much more. But in some ways at home, without my LUCHA kiddos and Comida and Conversation and friends always talking about different issues whether it be labor rights, international conflicts, immigration rights or education problems.. it just feels like something is missing. I know that this time at home being with myself is good for me before the plunge into four months of being pushed out of my comfort zone and seeing the pain and struggles of another culture. Of questioning where I come from and why I have so much when others have so little. I know it is good for me to just be, but this transtition from the constantly thoughtful and insightful life I live at Santa Clara to the slower less diverse life I live here is just a little bit of a slow one.

Earlier I was thinking of this year and how if I could I would write a love letter to it. It has been so very important to who I am. And just as much as it is important for me to get into the swing of the different but wonderful life that is here it is important for me to take that passion and energy and concern that I feel every moment there into this life. I need to find a way to feed that part of my soul because I know the life and energy and passion and diversity is here in this little town, the things that have become so special to me, the chance to create relationships that sometimes you would not create, that is all her, I just need to find it. And in so many ways Young RYLA feeds that part of me and it will more and more as I get to spend time with the counselors and put all the planning into action and the most once I am there watching those little faces light up. But til then I need to find something right here that can help to feed my soul.

I just was looking through my pictures from the year and I think of that girl that came into fall quarter excited somewhat sure somewhat unsure. Deciding between Spain and El Salvador. Not sure how I fit into the SCCAP community. Afraid of letting go of all that was freshmen year but excited as could be to relive that amazingness. I had no idea. I had no idea how much I would continue to change. The people that I would encounter and become best friends with. The conversations I would have that challenged me and opened me up to the world. The decisions I would make that would lead to this path I am on now that could have been so different if I had decided to study abroad in Spain and to major in Sociology and English. I know that the other options could have been equally rich and fulfilling and wonderful but just so very different. Freshmen year I thought about being independent, about passion, about community service. This year I thought about vulnerability, about healing, about self esteem, about social justice about learning from people who so often we feel we should teach, about stepping back and listening about love and about passion that comes out in such a different way than I thought it did freshmen year. I learned so much and deepened all that has been forming forever and as I always say the steps just fit together perfectly.

I am ready to be here. I am ready to make the most out of it and search for ways to feed my soul. Ways that may be different than I think. Im ready to spend time in my mountains and with that big star filled sky and think about all the things that have happened and prepare for all the beauty that is ahead of me. Im ready to be with my best friends and try to integrate the two Michelles, that deep down are so united but on the surface are still searching for the perfect balance. The conversations that I had so frequently there and at the end the vulnerability that I allowed myself to seep through to build those beautiful relationships, I need to bring that back here. I need to push myself to have the conversations that matter, cause even if they are not every day the people here get it.

My life is too beautiful for me too handle. Even when somedays tears come out unexpectedly and situations feel a little funny in my soul. I know it is all part of the plan and I know that if I have the right attitude and make it what I want of it each step will fit perfectly.

So heres to sophomore year teaching me so much, to the love that I was surrounded by, to the forming that happened, and to a summer of meshing these lives. Of feeding my soul, of processing my thoughts, of preparing for the next step.

XOXO

I can dig it

2011-06-19T00:18:00.001-07:00

I still havent processed.. not even a little bit. And Im much too tired to write anything profound. But I feel like if I dont do it soon enough Im gonna forget all the beauty thats been happenin in my life lately.

I can dig it...

Sophomore year ended so wonderfully. Thursday night we celebrated... danced, hugged, loved, talked about upcoming adventures and just enjoyed ourselves. Friday night Hayley and I had an epic final sophomore year life chat. We walked all around campus prepared with tea and a lots behind and ahead to think about. We stopped at our spot where so many life chats have happened, ran through the itty bitty hills and laughed like we were 6, attempted to climb trees, sat on the couches outside the solar decathalon house and made a few extra laps through the mission gardens. Its crazy that we only have two years under our belts as friends, feels like ages that we have known each other. And six months apart feels a little to long, but coming back to a room shared with her is so dang exciting.

Saturday was graduation... something that words definitely wont do justice for. The senior women in my life this year have been so important... so special, inspiring, comforting, loving, formative and so many things. They have guided me and effected me more than I will ever know and I feel so very lucky to have had them in my life this year. To Cara, Maddie, Diana, Elizabeth and Danielle... you ladies are the best in the world and I am so very excited to see all the love and beauty that you bring to the rest of the world. We laughed a lot and we cried... and that was ok. Emotions are good and I feel lucky to have a life wonderful enough that changes bring tears. I will miss this year with the best community I could ever ask for. I will miss all the time spent with Cara... the laughing, whining, dinners, department meetings, adventures, so many things. I will miss Maddies forever hugs in the SCCAP office and a love thats never ending, Diana's exploding amounts of passion, her dancing and singing... the "mmeeeessshhh" and a the best hug that leads to a benson lunch I cant deny. I will miss Eli's love and sass.. that way she can make me laugh like none other and yoga with Danielle, the sass that comes in full swing when we're together and a super great relationship that started with a great conversation at the fall retreat. I will miss mass with these girls, their smiles and hugs and encouragement, their wisdom that seems so very knowledgable and helpful when I need it the most. But more than anything else I just feel so very thankful that I had this past year to learn so much from them. To aspire to be them, to learn about love, strength, passion, vulnerability and all these things that I know will help to form me. Thank you girls, you are the best ever and I will miss you dearly.

Sunday I hiked with Jesse and Kylie and the next couple days I just hung out, relaxed, said bye to people and it was so great. So many times I leave school stressed and with no sleep and it feels so emotional and silly. Giving myself sometime after all the packing was done just to see people and say goodbyes and relax a little was so great. I spent great time with Cara and Danielle dying laughing about stupid videos and had such a wonderful sleepover with DBu.. just what I needed to kick off my summer.

It was a perfect end to an even better year. Words cannot describe this year. So meaningful and influential, overflowing with so many things and just rich and full as can be. Such a good year. Always a little hard to say goodbye bWut each year I learn that each new always makes up for the ping in my heart of letting go of the old... life goes how its supposed to.. I really believe that.

Home has welcomed me home so wonderfully. The boys were home when I got here Wednesday and we drove up some narrow dirt roads to take in the view, Zachy played some guitar and we just looked at the big beautiful mountains that surrounded us. We made burritos and ate with our parents, hot tubbed and then took a fun walk home. Spent some quality time with my mama and we had a great talk. I wish i could give her the world, she is so strong and deserves so much but somehow life keeps a comin at her. I wish I could give her the life she has given me and I wish the pieces would all fit together a little. We spent the night in Summit, had some BBQ challenge and spent last night in Boulder and tonight in Fort Collins.

I left one beautiful place teeming with amazing friends for another. This little life and this tight crew of best friends I have here is so dang special and one of a kind. Its so comfortable to come home to this even if the conversations are different, it is home. And for now it feels right. In a week I might be sick of this little town but for now I am loving it. I get to see Mindy and Kam tomorrow and cannot wait. We had another get together for Young RYLA today and its all starting to feel a little more real.

All of this is crazy and exciting and my brains been too distracted with all the wonderfulness of this life to stop and over think too much.

This life is good, and I sure can dig it. XOXOXO

asjdhauheqihpj

2011-06-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

Helllo there... So I am in denial/ havent had time to process yet so this post is not what you are expecting. The cheesy thoughtfulness love mush extravaganzza will come soon. But this is just a little snapshot.

Sophomore year is over. My 2011 graduate inspirations have graduated and the Clara is a deserted land. The last few days have been full of packing, moving, celebrating, goodbyes, so much fun and just enough tears to remind me how lucky I am to have such great people in my life.

This year has been out of this world and the people who came into my life have had such an impact. The goodbyes were more see ya laters but the tears flowed saying goodbye to this beautiful year we have had together, this community that has been so formative to me... amazing.

Ill be home in a couple days to take and prepare for the next journeys. Some goodbyes ended with "See ya in El Salvador".. the easiest of them all, and others not til January. Sad to leave but thankful I have a reason to be sad and so very excited for all thats to come.

Happy Summer, be prepared for me to be back when it really hits! XOXOX

Almost done?

2011-06-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

Sitting here babysitting thinking of how close to over this year is. In 24 hours I'll be done with all my work. In 2 days I'll be moved out of the dorms...and never live in them again. In 4 days my beloved seniors will graduate And start the next chapter in their lives. And in 8 I'll be home. I can't wrap my mind around it. It's exciting and scary and sad and all sorts of crazy all at the same time. Not sure I'm ready to let go of this amazing year, but also so excited for what's to come. Wow..lots to process. Here's to the last few days. I'll be back soon. Xoxoxo

Beauty and Fragility

2011-06-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Good morning world... its been a while. Lifes been a happenin.. so just a little summary

Saturday I was reminded of how fragile life is, I came here to write about it but it just didnt flow. On Saturday my Eric has been somewhere else watching over us for 20 years. When I called my mom to tell her I was sick she told me my Grandma no longer recognizes her. Unexpected tears streamed down my face as I thought of the spunky, healthy Grandma that has slowly changed over the past 5 years, and how next time I see her, she wont know my name. I looked at the picture at the end of my bed. My most cherished picture in the whole entire world, Eric holding me in the hospital. So gently and with so much love and concern in his eyes. I imagine in that moment all he was trying to tell me, all the wisdom and love and life he was trying to pass on to me. I think it worked. Life, like those tears streaming down my face, is oh so very fragile. Forming, dropping and eventually evaporating. Full of emotions, love, and more life than we can wrap our minds around. Each moment is so special and the people that come in and out even more special. I and so many in my world, unlike so many others, are blessed that we rarely worry about the possibility of this life ending, we are not poverty stricken, starving, surrounded by disease, fighting cancer, or struggling to find the next breath. I am comfortable, healthy and oh so very happy. And sometimes its easy to forget how fragile this all is. So, for my Eric, and my Grandma.. I will remember how special every moment, every life, encounter, emotion, and experience really is.

In light of all that, Thursday night I suddenly got hit with a whole bunch of uncomfortableness...fever, cough, head ache, body aches, all the joy of being sick. So... I spent most of my weekend in bed taking care of myself. And honestly, it was really enjoyable. Lots of times when I get sick I know that it is my body telling me to slow down and take care of me, and lots of times I dont listen. But this time, I listened. I slept, watched movies, did homework and forced myself to get some fresh air everyday but didnt push myself. I had mellow and fantastic dates with my two best friends and just let myself relax... it was fantastic and... Im almost 100% healthy now, who woulda thunk it ;)

So, I dont know how I have failed to write about this yet, but my Tuesdays this quarter have turned out to be my most favorite day of the week. I dont have class, but go non stop from one thing to another and I love it. On days when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, am tired or stressed, the events of my Tuesdays never fail to turn around my mood. They start off with 2 hours at LUCHA with the 3rd graders I have spent the whole year with. They all know me well now and I love the relationship I have created with them. They call me "kiddo" and "Ms. Michelle, Ms. Michelle" rings through the classroom. They are such awesome kids and I wish I could spend more time with them. Its funny being in a third grade class and remembering myself then. So full of yourself yet so very unsure...thats just what they are. They think they've got it all figured out, or so they let everyone else believe, but if you look into their eyes you can see this big world around them they are trying to figure out. They are in a place that is trying so hard to give them the education they deserve, and I can only hope that they continue to receive that education and go out and make something of themselves.

After that I run back to school, switch cars and am off to babysit for the day. I have had this nannying job since Marchish and have really come to enjoy it. The little girl is about 8 months old and with time has come to know me and we have a routine down. Spendin time with babies has always been one of my favorite things, and I love that I get to do it at least once a week with her. Part of me wishes I could stay all summer with her, but duty calls :)

Finally, as if thats not enough to fill my soul...this quarter my Arrupe for Spanish and Poli Sci is Comida and Conversation. A program started and ran by Santa Clara alums and students that is so wonderful. Students from SCU and adults from the community, many of which are taking English classes at Sacred Heart come together to eat a meal and just chat. You spend 30 mins speaking in Spanish and 30 in English, sometimes one on one and sometimes with a couple English speakers to one Spanish speaker. It is absolutely wonderful and never fails to allow for the best conversations. Practicing my Spanish is only a little part of the wonderfulness but more so the relationships that have been created and the stories that have been told. Last night was our last night and it was so sad, we spent forever saying goodbye and even made plans to get together with a couple of the women for dinner. The people there are so great and all the stories and wisdom they have bestowed on me will be with me forever. Its such an amazing way to bring people together, break barriers, learn a new language and create relationships. Something we should all do and something that gives me a glimpse into some of what will come out of El Salvador in the fall.

So... its June 1st. In 8 days sophomore year will be over. That is crazy talk. Im ready though. I have loved this year more than I can put into words and so many beautiful friendships and moments have come out of it. But I am ready for the next step. Ready for the summer at home that will let me process it all, have some me time, relax and spend time with my mama and all the wonderful people in that world. Between now and then there will be lots of hours in the library, some stress, three papers turned in, two finals taken and one final presentation given. I will enjoy the moments of free time that I can find, celebrate the wonderful wonderful people around me and just take it for exactly what it is. Absolutely wonderful and time for the next step. Heres to the last couple weeks of sophomore year and the time left with some of the most amazing people in the world.

Celebrate the beauty and fragility that is this life. Take care of you, spend time with other people who will fill you up and take it all in. Ill see you in two weeks Colorado <3

paso a paso

2011-05-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

paso a paso
step by step

this life seems to know how it is supposed to go
sometimes in the middle i cant see it
but then i look back and it all makes sense

people who get that are people who fill my soul
and there are so many in this world

life isnt supposed to be easy or perfect or even feel like it makes sense in the moment
but when i look back, it makes more sense than I can even understand.

and day after day i have conversations
with beautiful people
who have taken more steps than I
and each day, the steps make more sense to them

cause somehow... it all comes together.

there is not a moment of all put together perfection
there are strings of moments of beautiful
held together by moments of confusing
but without any of the steps... we would be a fallen necklace
beads strung across a dirty floor, some lost, never to be put together perfectly again

my mama gave little michelle so much life
spoiled me in an effort to make up for the challenges she didnt want me to see
then when i was old enough, life came back to remind me.
i opened my eyes wide
looked through tears, was lifted by loves
fell and got back up again
and found my way to this place

where gratitude makes the most sense
beauty and happiness surround me
and day by day i am taught to connect these worlds

i have been taking steps
mostly little ones
and sometimes i leap, with the support of beautiful people and conversations

i think about where i have been and where i am going
how i will take it with me

i step towards more sureness, growth, curiosity
towards people that lead me in the right direction
sccap, beautiful friends, moments of utter unsureness
those are all what lead me to confidence
courage, el salvador
a life that will only continue to lead me, paso a paso

faith in these steps gets me so far
home this summer sits funny in my head
but i know, time alone with myself
and the place where so much shaping happened
through lenses that have been wiped off again and again
will help to glue the pieces together

i will work again at connecting the dots
polishing, spinning and revealing some of the duller beads
or ones i wasnt always sure i liked

but when i think long and hard
i like every single one
cause without one, there would not be another...

paso a paso
xoxoxo

vulnerability

2011-05-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

Hello there, happy day!
Despite all I say about this being for me, and all the rambling on and on I do...

I really do want to come here and write beautiful words. I want to inspire people to be and do more, to open their hearts and minds, to see and appreciate all the world has to offer.
I think sometimes I may sound naive or ditzy with my rambles about life being so beautiful.

The thing is, I have found this beauty as a contrast to some struggle. But even more, am aware and still learning of all the struggle and pain that exists in this world. I have seen and felt hardship. Parts of my heart walk outside of me as strength for people who mean the most. We talk about privilege a lot here. In so many ways I am so privileged, but my estatic appreciation of this life does not come from a sense of ignorance about the pain that exists. Everyday I look back on some of the ups and downs and am thankful for each of them. When my mama apologizes for the life that she experienced that at times was hard for me, or when I connect with a man at Julianne St over something that I dont often coin as part of my identity, I feel those moments and challenges in my heart, and am forever amazed at how I have arrived at this place of beauty and gratitude and ease.

Some days I feel like staying in bed, and then I beat myself up for not being happy, with a life as good and simple as this one is I should never be complaining. Then I go through the steps of reminding myself that I am human, knocking down my walls of "always smiling" that I spent years building up. And working to allow my soul to be raw and real.

Since coming to Santa Clara I have become so in touch with so many amazing and beautiful new people and things. I have learned about injustices, seen the challenges of communities, opened my eyes to more diversity and structural inequalities, but in some ways I have closed my self off from a world I left behind. There were times in my life where vulnerability was the only option. Mountains of people that saw me in a place where I felt so hurt and so helpless and so confused. And those people lifted me up like the most amazing support group. Friends, relationships, second families that held me and loved me through my learning and growing that come from the challenges that life brought along. And after vulnerability became too normal, Santa Clara called my name and I came running, declared myself as a strong, independent, happy, unweathered woman who was ready to take on the world.

In some ways I have done just that and it has been wonderful for me, running into this and grabbing onto amazing opportunities. I have opened myself to so many things. But I have closed myself to a part of me. I have pushed away the rawness of being vulnerable. Dont get me wrong the life that has gotten me here is forever in my heart and soul, yet so many of the people who are here in this place with me know nothing of that place of me. And in some ways there is a disconnect.

I dont mean to come here and ramble about how beautiful life is and never acknowledge some of the pains. There are pains, struggles, there is life. But amidst all of that there is beauty and love and joy. In the simple things.

I think its about connecting them, and more and more I have found a way to do that. In my conversation with Victor last weekend about a pain we have in common and also a passion we have for equality. In this soul in me that wants to hold and love people in their most vulnerable moments cause I have needed that holding and no doubt will need it sometime again. In my head it is all connected, but I am learning to share that with others.

I want nothing more than to give back to others what this universe has so kindly and lovingly given me. It has given me so many chances to become better, to look deep within me, to surround myself with amazing people to help me find strength and passion and joy. I want to be that to others.
Thats why I blog about how wonderful everything is, and deep down I am wishing I could send this overflowing of love and joy that I have found to others, but in the most sensitive, empathatic and understanding of ways. Cause by no means should the challenges be discounted or overruled by things that are simple and good, because sometimes you need to ride the wave. Feel the pain and confusion to become something of it.

I dont have it all figured out. I see the suffering in the world, in people around me, in so many parts of life. And I also see generosity and love and passion and understanding. I think its a balance that we need to find. So many people disproportionately experience the suffering, while others could use some strife in their life to give them a way to connect to others, an appreciation for all the beauty that is handed to them.

This place is an avenue for thoughts and feelings. And so often I come here to talk about all that is good cause thats easier for me to share with the world. Im going to El Salvador in the fall. A place that has experience more pain than I will ever be able to understand. And from now until then I am going to work on my being vulnerable, because in that place I will have to be and it will be so good. I am so excited for this chance to learn and to give. To share love and passion and struggles. And to be one with a people... cause for some reason in situations like Julianne Street and Comida and Conversation vulnerability comes easier. Something about our society, or maybe just my interpretation of it has made vulnerability unacceptable. I will learn to get that ability back. To open up so other people trust in my ability to listen and understand and care. To be real and raw, because that is the heart and soul of human connections- the reasons for beautiful moments in life and the reason I feel so grateful to be where I am today.

I hope my words are meaningful and not a bunch of ramble jamble. Heres to life and struggles and love and beauty and vulnerability. To being real and present and finding connections in all parts of this life. Thank you for reading and supporting my attempt.
XOXOX

Beautiful Moments

2011-05-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

So Im laying in bed... thinking about how wonderful this day was. How out of this world life is. And how there are so many moments that are like a big slobbery kiss on the cheek from life reminding me of all that it is. I know I come here all the time and ramble on about how much I love life. And I am cheesy and cliche and so many things, but thats ok with me.

I just was looking at the Peace Corps website... add to list of things to consider after graduation. Then Tears in Heaven comes on Pandora. This song is a song for a place in my heart that is so special and quiet and has had such a huge impact on who and where I am. One summer in Michigan Dad and I were standing on the porch and this song comes on. He looks out over the lake and says "this is my song for Eric".. and my heart melts. He's not a real emotional man. We dont talk much about the beautiful life that came in and out and left such a huge mark on our souls, but at the moment he let me in just a little more and showed me how big the mark is on his heart too. And everytime I hear this song, I hold them both so close. And laying here, thinking of all the beautiful moments, having that song play, my heart just flutters feeling how connected it all is.

This morning I went to Julian Street, the SCCAP program that Margot runs at an adult transitional home. She wakes up every Saturday at the butt crack of dawn and goes with a group of volunteers to make breakfast for 70 residents and then sit and eat and chat with them. I have been twice before but today I had the most amazing conversation. The people in the home struggle with addiction, different mental/emotional stuggles, chronic homelessness, and some other things, but are truly some of the most thoughtful, good hearted people in the world. I sat down next to a man with a neck brace on and he proceeded to tell me so much about his journey that led him to Julian Street, last night was his first night and I was so very lucky to spend his first breakfast with him. He was in the military and navy, jumped and lived off of freight trains around the U.S. for ten years and spent a lot of time in and out of jail. He's at Julian Street after coming out of the Veterans Hospital for a year because of a reoccuring injury and the man is ready to revamp his life. He told me he was an alcoholic, internalizing challenges and pains from his childhood, his time in the military and not knowing how much dysfunction he had inside until he saw something on adult children of alcoholics. He opened up his heart and vulnerability and we connected over personal experience, passion, and a connection that happens between two people with hearts. We talked about education, war, traveling, societies inequalities and the forever challenge brought up in this society of not overcoming emotional challenges, we talked about having a therapist in every classroom and I could have sat with him for hours. Its amazing how in a situation like that the conversations are so much more rich and real than they are in everyday life. These people have been pushed so far, often dont connect with the others in their homes and just want a caring soul to acknowledge, converse and listen to them. He talked to me about how he feels to old to make an impact, how its people like me who have to do that, and no words could to describe to him the impact that he made on my life in that short twenty minute conversation, one for the books that will stick with me for so long. It fueled my soul.

I came home, slept for two hours, had breakfast with my two best friends and then spent the day with two women who inspire me so much. I cannot express enough the amazing people that have come into my life this year. The passion and soul and love that comes out of this people that have been such a place of comfort, love and growth for me. Maddie, Diana and I went into East San Jose for the "Somos Mayfair Mothers Day Fair". Mayfair is a community/ community center in East San Jose, majority Latino immigrants that struggles with poverty, unemployment, health problems, and all these things our society unfairly places on their shoulders. We took part in a ceremony celebrating mothers, listen to poems, songs, watched amazing dancing and a play put together but one of the community centers project and the best part was an amazing Bambara group. We just took part in this beautiful cultural event and felt right at home even though we were one of very few who came from outside of the community. We ate delicious homemade tamales in the sunshine and talked about the beauty of cultures, about how you raise kids, about what it is that made us "socially concious" a question someone asked me this morning at Julianne St. We talked about parents and personality and empathy and so many things. About El Salvador, traveling, life, love. And just were a part of such an amazing things. Its so cool being in this place where I am surrounding by culture and life and diversity and my eyes are opened to things like this Latino Cultural Fair and the troubles of a homeless man and so much more.

I'm just amazed at all these beautiful moments that happen constantly. Even on the days when Im whiney about being in a "funk" not wanting to do homework, not being sure of myself, feeling like bed is a good option...but what comes out of that is rejuvenation, taking care of me how I know how and clearing my head to come back to reality and be on this planet taking and giving with it in as best as a balance as I can find.

I am constantly forced to see things from a bigger picture, thinking, growing, loving and just so very inspired. This is all I wanted out of life and so much more, coming to Santa Clara I hoped for new and different and amazing but really had no idea how much of that I was coming into.

I bought my plane ticket to El Salvador yesterday, its actually about as real as its going to get until I get there... and still not very real. Its the next step in this journey. And the ones between here and there are so very special and important and meaningful, I almost wish I could push the slow motion button just so I remember to take it all in. Cause its just so good. Thank you universe for giving me this life. And if you made it to the end of this thanks for listening to me ramble, I hope it moves something in you, connects with you or reminds you to hold onto al the beautiful moments, and if you are funking find an outlet for beauty, cause this life has so many.

Happy Weekend. And Happy Mothers Day to all you amazing mamas out there, especially mine. Miss you dearly. XOXOX

opening our eyes

2011-05-03T23:36:00.000-07:00

Just a disclaimer... this is bound to be a stream of conciousness post... because Im exhausted and thats how life works and exhausted= rawish

Where to start...
Davey was here this weekend, we had an absolutely fantastic time. I love the kid to death. He needed sunshine and love and happiness and people his age. I needed a refresher some motivation and never say no to the feeling of home cooked love. Ya know. We did so much in such a short time and it was absolutely fantastic.. loved it.

Bin Laden was killed... I found out on facebook from the posts that cheered and cursed and celebrated America. And in all honesty.. I was disgusted. Its not really my thing to come ranting about politics here. I have opinions and I have learned a lot more about politics and injustice and things of that sort since coming to Santa Clara but for some reason that's just not what ends up here. But this time, I dunno I was just unsettled about it. I, like many others, do not know enough about the War on Terrorism, I know the basics, I know Bin Laden was the leader of horrible, painful, inhumane acts and I know that since I was in 5th grade we have been looking for him. I see that there is likely value in putting a stop to his influence, but also... America is not the end all be all because we killed him, and I just dont think we can throw everything in the air, set off fireworks and act as if its all over and we are this amazing country. Not to mention, there is something a little bit off about celebrating, with such lack of poise, often ignorance and just disregard as we did. There is so much more to it and we live in this country that thinks we are so powerful and able and important. That we have the answers and can just step in on others people's business and tell them whats right. We have this pride that to me comes from a place of ignorance and lack of concern for humanity. We have done so much wrong, we have killed and hurt and overstepped and we make so many mistakes. We have so many people suffering right within our own boarders and instead make it our business to step into the affairs of other countries. We think we are the land of the American Dream, we think we breathe and speak equality, we think we are so many things. And really we are flawed and corrupted and are failing so many people. And its so unfortunate to see the murder of a flawed man become more of a reason to celebrate this flawed country, to think of ourselves as bigger and better and to act as if we have solved the worlds problems and are superior to so many others. Sometimes its easy to block off reality, to believe that we are all these things, to celebrate a death... but come on people, step back, open your eyes and take a minute to really think about more than one bloody success.

Im not sure how to tranistion from there.. for some reason that whole thing just really messes with me. I am learning about inequality day after day, about structural failures, about education systems being so flawed that we sit and have circular conversations for hours wondering if we will ever be able to make a change. I spend my days at LUCHA where teachers worry about their kids not doing well on standardized tests because at home they dont speak the language they are forced to learn at school. We are on a high horse and think that America is all right, all the time... that White, Christian, English speakers are the epitome of success and we are so damn ignorant. There is so much beauty in diversity and other cultures. In different languages, traditions, histories. But instead we teach and preach one, degrading the value of others and creating a cycle of whites being successful and powerful and able to exploit, ignore and fail those who do not fit the "mold". Its painful to watch and I just hope that day by day more of us are learning about these structural failures, more of us are opening our eyes to the beauty of others, appreciating humans for our similarities; beating hearts, desires for love and success and excitement, histories, dreams, etc. I hope that the status quoting MLK outdo those stating "F*$k Yeah America". I hope people stop, think, listen and open their minds.

Speaking of beauty of diversity, on Tuesday nights I have the coolest Arrupe in the world. Its called Comida and Conversation. Students from SCU and Spanish speaking community members come together to share a meal and to share our languages with each other. Half hour of speaking in English and half hour in Spanish. We just chat, about whatever we want. Its such an amazing program. Learning and listening and creating these relationships. Breaking boundaries and appreciating differeing lifestyles. Being equals, sharing laughter and fears and hearts. Its fantastic. Lately I crave speaking Spanish. Im ready to start just taking chances, forcing myself to practice and learn and get better. I really love the barriers it can break and love the ability to connect with people who are so often ignored.

Last but not least. I have a nannying job with a beautiful 6 month old baby. Its only about once a week but she is finding her way into my heart. I have such a place in my heart for kids and babies. Their little smiles and curiosity and vulnerability just light up my life. They are soo beautiful and real.. and then we corrupt them. But anyways, we just had such a wonderful day. Playing in the park and the grass. Reading stories. Good for the soul. Reminds me of the hope for the world to learn and open our minds and get over this ridiculousness that we have become.

Happy Wednesday. I hope you have a fantastic day and I hope you stop and think about our country, our ways, the world, diversity and love. XOXO

beautiful people

2011-04-28T01:24:00.000-07:00

The last thing I should be doing right now is blogging. I should really be sleeping. But... I just wanted to give a little shout out, because seriously I have THE most beautiful people in my life. Sometimes I just think its normal to be as inspiring, passionate, caring, huge hearted and out of the world as the people who fill my life are, and then Im reminded that these people are one of a kind.

Tonight we watched a play called "American Dream in the Wonderland" done by workers from our off campus ESL program. A satire about what life would be like if the United States would open our hearts and arms to immigrants and let them into our world. I was surrounded by a group of people who could understand the Spanish enough to laugh and feel all of it with them. A group of people who teach me and lift me and show me how beautiful this world is, even in the midst of all the scary.

Then we went to listen to Maddie speak at The Challenge. Maddie is our Director of SCCAP this year and just absolutely wonderful. She talked about SCCAP her sophomore year and this group of seniors that inspired her and legitimized all her crazy ideas and I sat and looked at these amazing women around me who are just that for me. So very inspiring and out of this world, seriously they will never know how much of an impact they have had. She talked about South Africa and India and all these amazing opportunities that Santa Clara has given her to allow her to explore and learn and grow and find what is important to her. It was amazing and left me so excited for all thats to come and so thankful for this year that has brought me so far in a community of people who push me and help me to do bigger and better things.

Then the icing on the cake, Xavier Mass, a mass done in my bulding to bring us all together. Our themes are faith and global solidarity and the focus of the mass was Joy Through the Journey. So relevant. So meaningful. There is so much I havent figured out yet but I do know when my heart strings start dancing and I do know some pieces of it all and tonight I felt a lot of that. Good people, good messages, really really good life.

Im going to El Salvador in the fall. Ask this girl 2 years ago about El Salvador... I wouldnt even have been able to comprehend. And Im going. And I am so excited. Also, I'm gonna keep my Soc major and add an International Development major that Im making myself. Such amazing and interesting classes and finally, I think it fits (I know Ive said that before so Im not making any promises but Ive thought long and hard about this one). How cool that I can make my own major, travel to El Salvador, listen to people talk about their journeys all over the world that have taught them so much, their journeys right here in our back yard.

Im just thankful and lucky/blessed/in the right place at the right time/ however it best fits in your mind... my life is really good. And I cannot thank all these people in my life enough who have gotten me here. Celebrate the beautiful people in your life, there everywhere! <3

Easter...springtime, family and good food

2011-04-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

Oh three day weekends, how I love you. And this was a seriously good one.

Easter means a whole heck of a lot to a lot of people, nothing to others and somewhere in between for lots. For us, its somewhere in between. Its not really about the bible or church or the resurection, and maybe it should be but I like what its about. And I think for a lot of people its about what it has become for us... family, spring time and good food.

My weekend was fantastic. Railroad Revival Thursday night, really good music in a really sweet spot right on the bay looking over the city. Then a sweet run in San Francisco by the water Friday before driving up to Tahoe with Jes and Kylie, a really fun 24 hours in Tahoe and then down to Santa Cruz for Easter with Kylie's family. Tahoe was gross springy weather (the unfun snowy yucky kind not the pretty kind) but great snow and good skiing. And it was great to spend Easter with a family. I missed mine, the quirks, the chaos, the traditions that you dont even realize are traditions until you dont have them, and just the comfort and understanding, but I was really lucky to be welcomed into another family for a little bit of all of that. Jes and I went to the beach and had lunch together after, and I will always be a sucker for some brother time. Its pretty cool that I live in this place where I can ski one day and then go to the beach the next, and run in the sunshine surrounding that too. I like it.. I think Ill stay a while.

I ran to the Rose Gardens for the first time since fall (they are pretty depressing in the winter) and it was SOOO wonderful. The roses are starting to bloom and so are the people. The park was filled with cute families having easter egg hunts, picnics, hide and seek in the roses, flying kites, hula hooping and all the wonderful things you do in the spring time and on Easter when you are spending your day enjoying your family. I love it... family is a good thing, even if it took me a while to figure that out. Speaking off.. I finally decided/ succumbed to the fact that I will be living at home this summer. I keep saying its gonna be the last time and it keeps not happening but I think thats ok. There is something to be said for home.. mama, mountains, this little lifestyle that has a huge place in my heart. It just makes the most sense, Ill work some and play in the mountains and be close enough to go see friends when its necessary and I wont be paying rent and will be able to live without a car. So Leadville.. Ill see ya in June <3

Life is really good.
Its week 5 already which is insane and there is lots of good stuff coming. The rest of spring quarter which honestly Im not ready to let go of yet. This year has been even better than the last.
Summa filled with RYLA and some homestyle lovin
and then... drumroll please

EL SALVADOR... its calling me. Im getting less nervous and starting to realize that its real and it just feels so dang right. Im ready to speak spanish. And learn. And see. And just have something new and exciting and scary. Its gonna be freakin great.

But Im in no rush to get there, it will come when its time :) Happy Easter weekend, hope you enjoyed some family, spring and good food and whatever else it is that makes your Easter special :)

stream of consciousness

2011-04-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

I havent been very good at getting here. Partly cause this quarter seriously has been one of the busiest yet... I think, I dont really know where the last three weeks have gone. And partly because theres too much goin on in my brain to put into words.

We had our spring SCCAP retreat last weekend. The last one with this staff. And it was absolutely in more ways than I can say out of this world. Just to give you a little idea of how it all went down. Beach house in Capitola, 20 some out of this world SCCAPers, riding on a year of fantasticness together, beach olympics, reflections, cooking together, 12 people in a hot tub, serious amounts of love, freezing ocean swimming, sunshine, all sorts of sillyness, and so much more packed into less than 48 hours. It was fantastic. And a good reminder, motivator, inspiration to make the last quarter even better than the last, and just to stop and think. I cant believe a year ago we were being interviewed and going on our first akward retreat. I cant believe we are almost bidding ado to the 2010/2011 SCCAP staff. I also cannot believe its almost the end of sophomore year... Ill save that for later though.

I was just reminded of how much SCCAP has done for me. So many great people to call family, the decision to go to El Salvador, learning lots about myself and the world and so much more has come since that phone call giving me the PC position. Such good stuff man.

Casa in the fall has been spending all sorts of time in my head. Called my dad today to figure out my plane ticket, didnt quite get the response I was hopin for, but... its all part of the deal. Its hard to explain how connected to it I feel already, how much it has already become something I feel like is ingrained in this experience, so exciting and new and real and scary and so many things. So many things that I cant quite articulate when my dad doesn't jump for joy when I call asking about buying a plane ticket. So many things that seem so much more relevant to me than the 700 dollars. Money forever is a pain in the butt, but wherever the 700 dollars comes from I know in 4 and a half months it will be the most irrelevant thing in the world and completely out of this world worth the uncomfortable, somewhat annoying conversation around it. And man am I thankful that I can see that.

I was feeling a little angsty earlier wondering how Im gonna pay for this ticket, where my summer will end up, how to pick out a dress for this occasion that I cant quite understand... but then. I brainstormed about Young RYLA. Sometimes when one idea comes they just flow and I get all excited and I see the love between the counselors and the looks on the kiddos faces at the end of the week and Im reminded why wherever I am this summer will be ok and why planning Young RYLA is exactly where I am supposed to be even when I have friends who will be traveling the world. Ill get there someday.

I had a fantastic weekend and didnt even realize it happening. I have the coolest best friend in the world and we laughed about how we have only known each other for over a year and it feels like forever. We went to the beach yesterday and just watched the waves, played in the sand and came home. Totally low key weekend with yoga, global village, homework and a run tonight but good stuff. Sunshine. Good friends. Laughin. Playin. Its a good life man.

Davey is coming to visit me in two weeks and I am so dang excited. Ive been raving to my friends about him and just cant wait for the adventures I know he'll bring along, so great to bring people from home to this place and just get to share all of the goodness on both sides.

Mandy and I are gonna do the Iron Bronco... teams of two-three do whats equal to a Triathalon in a two week span.. 26.something miles of running, 2ish of swimming and lots of biking. A little roomie bonding, shes a good one I tell ya.

Sorry for this somewhat random stream of consciousness blog, it was time for an update. Hope you have good stuff to fill your days with, if not come hang out with me, I got lots to go around :) XOXOX

learning from kindergarteners

2011-04-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

Good morning world. Its been a while. Lots has been happening in my little world.
Im sitting on the balcony in the sun, its beautiful and springy here and has been all week. Its been the perfect weekend to start of spring quarter. Life is dang good.

1st.... Navajo Nation. Im not exactly sure what words to use. It was a wonderful week, different than I expected but wonderful. The Navajo people are a beautiful culture. Something we are so sadly ignorant about and something so rich is history and meaning. I am so glad I went to learn about their life, to understand how different but even more how similar their lives are to ours. We spent our days in the local boarding school. A school that was started to strip the people of their culture, teach them English and integrate them into the "dominate society". Thankfully, our country has made progress and now Tuba City Boarding School includes Navajo culture classes, the walls are covered in posters in both Navajo and English, showing the values and traditions of both cultures. Still, the Navajo culture is slowly diminishing, in my kindergarten class I had to ask ten kids before I could find one that could count to ten in Navajo, their traditional language. Our leader is Navajo and he was not taught Navajo when he was young because his parents were beat at school if they spoke it, today he is trying to relearn the culture, but stories like that are widespread.

The kindergarten class that I was in was just like any other kindergarten class, 22 five and six year olds learning, tattling on each other, wanting me to "play it" with them. The kids were the most amazing part of the week, raw and real and too young to be trying to be anything yet but just letting me into their lives. Just like the kids at LUCHA or West Park or even many of the prestigious white private schools, their home lives were not easy, something that is easy to sometimes ignore and forget. They are dealing with divorce, neglect, poverty, single parents, fighting, addiction, things that are everywhere but like the kids at LUCHA they have fewer resources and support systems to help them survive through the scariness of life and make it out of high school heading for college and a life that they can make better for themselves. Only 7% of the Navajo population recieves a Bachelors and even less recieve further education. Their little voices ring in my head and the eyes of some particular ones who you could tell were struggling, it was so hard to leave them after a week with them but I can only hope that my time there was half as meaningful to them as it was to me and I truly hope that someday I can go back and be with the Navajo people again.

In the evenings we learned about the culture from locals, art, traditional clothing, music, traditional stories and the sweat lodge experience gave us a taste of the culture. The sweat lodge was an amazing experience. Something very deep rooted in the culture and sacred. We did three rounds of at least 45 mins in the small sweat lodge made from cedar wood and just barely big enough for all of us to fit sitting with our knees to our chests so close to everyone else. Every round it got hotter and we were cleansing something else. 1st body, then mind and lastly spirit. Everyone prayed out loud at the same time and it was extremely challenging mentally and physically but one of the most meaningful parts of the trip.

The end of the trip came to quickly and I wasnt ready to leave the kids or the culture. We barely scraped the surface of all there is to learn about the culture but I am so glad I went and was opened up to something so important in this country and so forgotten and ignored. I wondered again and again what exactly the seperation between the rest of the U.S. and the Navajo Reserations (and other reservations at that) means for them and for us. I think it is good for them to have their space, teach their culture, but it is so disheartening how little we know about the culture. Its a long debate that I could never find the answer too but I was aware of the loss of their culture in our world and the ignorance and disappointing lack of interest that exists in our culture. I wondered what it would be like if we hadnt ripped them of their rights and culture years and years ago. I wondered what the future looks like for their culture and thought over and over again about their culture versus others that come to the United States and are treated poorly, ignored, forgotten, expected to assimilate. I thought about going to schools where each culture teaches each other and was slightly disheartened by the thoughts of impossibility that come with those big ideas, the place our country has come to and the challenge of turning things around. Still, I am so glad I was able to go and learn and open my heart to these people. I left with a deep respect from the Navajo people, a curiosity to learn more and a burning desire to go back someday.

Again, the words dont really do justice. There were things I struggled with on the trip. Expectations I had of our reflections and experience that were different than planned, challenges, but there was also a ton of self reflection, journaling and a new awareness of my role on that trip, others like it, groups, as a leader, learner, volunteer, and of what all that means for me and life from now forward. I came home to a crazy week of school, SCCAP interviews, friends, work and not enough time to think, but the voices of my kiddos stay with me everyday reminding me to keep pondering it, keep learning from it. Its a really funny thing those week long immersion trips.

The sun is calling my name, time for a beach trip. This weekend has been full of fun and great people. Hanging on the roof on Friday night, bike ride to downtown for dinner, fun run, farmers market and a night of crazy catch phrase last night. Its good to be back, home to this place and people who I love dearly and who I can continue these conversations with. I have lots more in my head so Ill be back. Happy Sunday! xoxoxo

open, graceful and observant

2011-03-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

Winter quarter #2 is over... seriously, I do not know how to keep up with life. It flies.. is it always gonna feel like its going this fast?

Im off to Navajo Nation in the morning. A week of turning off from the rest of the world and learning, listening and opening my heart just a little more. We joke about how here at a jesuit school we go on immersion trips over spring break instead of Mexico to go wild... but its really the best thing I could ask for. Im ancy, and ready to be shocked and feel with other people and learn from others and just open my heart and soul. Im ready to be vulnerable and let other people in and hope with all I have that others let me in. I could not think of a better way to spend my spring break.

Mikalia just came on facebook with words that go deeper than so many people's. She's been to the Navajo reservation and reminded me... "me open, graceful and observant and dont let anything get in the way of your connections with the people, they have wonderful stories to share"

I am so very excited. Excited to turn off my phone, be away from this computer and spend time learning from people and with my head and heart.

Ill be back with thoughts and stories and questions. Have a wonderful week! <3

Soul filling weekend at home

2011-03-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

Oh home... what a place.
Its funny how school becomes home and its like out of sight out of my mind. I miss my friends but rarely do I feel home sick and I never wish I would have stayed. But... every single time I come home I fall back in love, and am reminded of how lucky I am, and why I am where I am today.

So many wonderful people in this world that have raised me. Shaped me, held me up, helped me to spread my wings, wiped my tears, cheered me on, listened, laughed at, adventured with... and been a bigger part of my life than anybody else might ever be able to be.

I was so lucky to get to see so many people of my soul. Time in Boulder w/ Ese, Katie and Liv. Home crew time w/ Chels, Tiff, Will, Rich, Zachy and Kaleb and time with my mama, daddio, Susan, Jim, Vic, Ferne and Rolo tomorrow and Kels to send me off. So much love in my life it actually blows my mind. And I'm reminded of my roots, the ones that helped me grow and that will forever ground me in this life that we were so lucky to have. I love the feeling of just knowing people, knowing more about each other than you ever actually need to and just getting things. Having memories that you can talk about for hours, jokes, intertwined families and comfort like nobody knows. This little town has done us well and I am reminded of that when I come home to so much love and the friendships that pick up right where they left of, like nothing has ever changed. We are just best friends, family, that will forever and always be there letting our lives groove back together when they have the chance.

Its so neat how we have all gone our ways, are figuring ourselves out and sometimes our lives feel seperate, but because we grew up so tight, we are all grounded in each others lives and have all become who we are because of each of our experiences. We are level headed and going places and big hearted because we didnt just have one set of parents or siblings to learn from we had a whole network of this family who raised us, showed us different parenting styles, struggled, overcame amazing challenges, and never sheltered us or exposed us to too much or too little. I love you best friends, I love you family, I love that you will always be part of my soul and every time we have the chance to be together, my heart will be full and reminded and my life will always be that much more complete :)

I was talking about the progression of how home feels, when you first come home its really emotional and every little change throws you off. Then with time, it becomes easier to let the little things change, and hold onto the feelings not the constant time together or the way a certain room looks or the perfection of anything. Just the love and family and those big beautiful mountains and star filled skies that at least for a while arent going anywhere. Sometimes it feels like two different lives, but boy are they connected and that just fuels my soul.

On another equally wonderful note, we had our first Young RYLA 2011 Staff get together on Sunday and it was fantastic. SUCH a wonderful group who will help us to make this another out of this world Young RYLA. When you are in a position when you have to make those decisions it gets a little scary, but each and every JC we chose prooved to be even more amazing than we could have hoped and I just cannot wait for the group to learn and grow together, to have this amazing experience, and for Jess and I to have this team of rockstars who we will learn so much from. What an amazing thing to be a part of I tell ya.

Time to study some econ before bed. Getting up in the morning for breakfast with Ferne, coffee with Rolo and then sometime with Kels before the airplane sweeps me away to CA, Econ final, a day of work and than NAVAJO NATION. Boy is my life wonderful. Thank you universe, I couldnt be more thankful.

Happy Wednesday. xoxoxoxo

P.S... as always, a little ping in my heart reminds me that Im leaving again, and that this place is so dang special that everytime I come and go my heart feels it more than my head understands. Back again soon :)

Pieces Of Me

2011-03-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have homework I should be doing. But...I also have thoughts I should be thinking.

Today during yoga.. when my mind was supposed to still I was thinking of how I haven't been very thoughtful lately... haha from the sounds of that I am a complete joke of a yoga goer, and of a thinker in general. I made the thought go away but then later let it come back.
Have I not been very thoughtful because I am just at a peace. And sometimes life just makes sense and you dont have to think too hard about it. Or because I have had life and love and work and school and all sorts of go go go excitement to fill my brain with that it had no time for extra thoughts. Or just cause sometimes... like me with chocolate and eggs or cereal for breakfast and running vs swimming.. the level of thoughtfulness goes through stages.

Anyways, yesterday in the midst of going from one set of homework to a different paper to a different subject to another subject. I stopped, enjoyed a little nutella, laid on my bed and looked at the pictures on my wall. I looked at my brother and my pops and I in Michigan. People and a place that have formed me, like really really formed me. And then at my mama. And my Eric picture at the end of my bed. I thought of family... and what that word means and all the hype and thought and emotion and love that it means. I thought about the times when I have thought my family was the most kick ass in the world, and the times when I wasnt sure how we all could have the same blood. And I thought about how much they have made me me even if sometimes I like to think I am a product of my own doing, I am also a product of theirs.

Today during Spanish I thought of my weekend at home. All the good people I get to see and the feeling of home and family and just comfort, that yes I have found here, but that can never be replaced for what and who will forever be the pieces of the real home. Thinking of my best friends and my second family of my mountains and all the pieces that are so close to my soul. I miss it there, I miss the people, I miss the feeling and am so very excited to get a little refresher course on just how special all the people and feelings that stem from home are this weekend.

Last night walking out of Hayley's room. In between laughs and reassurances that life does make senes and grumbles about the sillyness that it sometimes seems and a final quick "love you". I thought about this life. This place that has become all mine, that is home. That is full of people, places and things that have become such a huge part of me and that someday I will look back on and thank them for forming me.

Earlier, when I got an email about Interact and heard "All For You". I thought about RYLA. About Kelsey and Mik and Rolo. And Heather and Eric and Junior and Jess. And so many of those special people who have left a mark on my heart. And how timing, and life, and some of my own doing all came together to make this camp I went into with no idea what it would be, something that has completely and utterly shaped me. People who have become so close to my heart. And being a part of something that I am afraid to let go of when my time is up this summer. But at the same time.. I know I will take it with me, and it will be time to let someone else have that mark on their heart, that will forever make them wholer.

Sometimes it feels like nothing makes sense. But a heck of a lot of the time it seems like it all just fits. And every person, place, thing, experience, was set right in where they were to make this life just as it is. And for that, I am more thankful than I can put into words. And... more faithful that all the rest that will come and go and change and grow and rock my world... it will be set just where it needs to be and with some work of the universe, and some all on my own... it will all end up pretty darn close to just how it should.

What a great thing to believe in.

Happy thoughts to all you who have formed me in ways bigger than you will ever ever know.

2011-03-06T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hello there. Happy Sunday evening. I hope you had a fantastic weekend.

I dont have anything profound to say, or really anything at all for that matter.

But... I turned in my Casa app, after rewriting my essay three times and being an overanalyzing freak and having small mishaps with recomendations, it all came together, its in and we are that much closer to a semester in El Salvador!

School is insane, exhausting and week 10 "dead week" starts tomorrow. Thing is its more like death week. But we make it through always. The weekend was so productive but not in a not fun weekend kind of way. Friday night I hermitted, started some work, read and went to bed early. Sat we went to the farmers market that I love soo dearly. You can not find a farmers market in early March anywhere near Leadville and the fruit and veggies here are just soo good and fresh. Its fantastic. I did a whole bunch of homework and hung out with some good people. And now... Im ready for bed. But I still have some more homework ahead of me. Its all good though, I like the feeling of being productive and on top of things, a whole lot.

Im going home next weekend. And I couldnt be more excited for a weekend of relaxing, meeting the 2011 Young RYLA team (SOOO EXCITING) seeing my best friends and spending time with my mama. Perfect cure for the exhaustion and stress of the last couple weeks of school and just good for the soul.

Then I come back, take a final and am off to Arizona for a week in the Navajo Nation with a group of really great people. Super excited for that too. Ive been waiting to do an immersion trip forever and thing that this is gonna be such a cool experience.

Thats all.. I told ya, nothing exciting.

But... check out http://www.addingtothemaddness.blogspot.com and the awesomeness that is going on in my super cool cousins' lives. Tonight and tomorrow morning all you have to do is press "like" twice on a facebook picture contest to help them bring their sweet little boy home. I dreamt about him the other night and he's the perfect fit to add to the love and excitement and joy that they have created with their fun family. They also have a ipad giveaway happening right now! Keep up to date with their blog for lots of ways to help and to follow their exciting and scary adoption journey.

Have a great week, take sometime to breath and look at the pictures on your wall and appreciate all that this life is. Cause even in the midst of writing papers, working on projects and feeling like life is non stop there is so dang much to be so happy about. It makes every word worth writing and every minute of work totally worth it.

See you in a week Colorado, cant wait!
<3

powwwwdddaaaa

2011-02-27T21:48:00.000-08:00

Wanna know something realllllyyy cool.

1. I live in California.
2. I HAD THE MOST AMAZING POWDER DAY OF MY LIFE YESTERDAY followed by another day of amazing skiing today.

I didn't ever think those two things would be said in the same conversation.
Seriously... such an amazing weekend. Jes, Kylie and I went up Thursday night. They worked, I relaxed, did some work and lolly gagged on Friday. Had a super cozy dinner while it continued to DUMP outside (it did that ALL day Fri and the wind was sooo strong that almost all of the resorts were closed). Got up for first chair Saturday, when in through a sneaky back route and were the 2nd people on the chair. The area was closed the day before meaning it was COMPLETELY untouched with 4 feet of new snow. We had the entire back bowl pretty much to ourselves and like 10 other people and did lap after lap of untouched powder runs.

Seriously it was amazing. I have never had that much fun skiing and I have had a whole lotta days skiing in my life. Today was sunny and we still got some left over untouched powder.

So freakin great.
Not to mention great food, sleeping conditions and hosting by my bro and Kylie. Gotta love havin them so close and so awesome!

More to come later but just had to document how much this weekend kicked ass. Now I have to sleep, I am sooooo tired.

Its about the human race.

2011-02-17T21:22:00.000-08:00

I started writing last night. Giddy off of too much studying, Navajo Nation meeting and just super people I have in my life.

Tonight my heart is a little heavy, but still all the things I was gonna write about yesterday ring true.

My life= writing letters to donors thanking them for their money helping me go to Navajo Nation explaining why Im here, what this place has done for me. Writing a biography about my mama in Spanish explaining why she is so very special to me. Working on my motivation essay for my Casa app. Why do I want to do this? How did I get here? Creating a major, picking classes that seem relevant and important. Trying to figure out what relevant and important means. What am I gonna do with all this, what do I need and want to learn. How can I grow and learn the things I feel necessary to create change.

I guess its really all about change. Its about this girl from a little tiny town, coming to a big place that has stretched the boundaries of my brain. My heart. My soul. A girl who wants people to be helpful, peaceful. Who tells friends "I wish I could give out strength, happiness and love loans... because I have so much" A girl who once thought life was to big for me to figure out, who sometimes wanted to crack and let someone else pick up the pieces, a girl who has been shown and taught values and love and passion that have gotten me to a place that is more than I could have ever imagined.

But really.. its not about any of that at all. It is about people. People from little towns and big towns. Mountains and desserts. Streets and big mansions. It is about people who want peace and love and happiness. People who have seen pain and people who are still suffering minute to minute. It is about change and learning to ride the tide. Its about balance... happiness for sadness, sunshine for rainy days. It is about something bigger than each of us. It is about conflict. Big, huge, scary conflict. It is about the Salvadorans suffering still from the civil war. The Palestineans who are being beat to death, who's houses are being bull dozed, whose live's are being taken, literally and figuratively. It is about the immigrants who are forgotten, pushed away, looked down upon, treated poorly. About the children whose parents are sick and cannot take care of them. The families that work harder than the rest of the world, but still are struggling to put socks on their feet. It is about the teenagers who feel so much pain that life no longer seems an option and it is about all of us... the whole entire world, somewhere, somehow who are in support of someone who is in pain. Who want peace and love and happiness. In some form or another.

It is about so much more than me. Or you. Or one person. It is about us, the human race. Who are connected by so much, and so easily torn apart. It is about change, change that has started in Egypt and Wisconsin and so many other places, change that has happened and so much more change that must keep happening.

Hayley and I sometimes joke about the big hippies we have become. We wonder if everyone goes through this in college and we hope that we can hold onto this. The sentiment, passion, curiosity, love of people and life and need to create justice and walk in solidarity with these people. We hope that we never let go of this fire that has been ignited inside us. And we wonder how people loose it and how you relight it. What is the match and what is the mouth that blows the flame.

I am forever and constantly overwhelmed by this life. The beauty and the pain. The love the hurt. The balance, and the lack thereof.
I am so thankful for this place and this opportunity that has stretched my brain and shown me a different way to see things and so thankful for all the learning and growing and pain and love and emotion and change that is to come.

This life is such a gift. And our responsibility is to do whatever we can to avoid going through it and not seeing meaning, critically looking at the way things are and stretching our heart to others. We have a responsibility to learn and listen and be one with the rest of the human race. We have a responsibility to find the match and light a fire within us.

Unmistakable Sureness

2011-02-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like someone nicely, excitedly, gently grabbed your heart and put it on the table and your heart looked up at you and said "HEY DO THIS!!!"

I feel that.

I have never ever in my life felt so sure about something so scary before.
I have felt this feeling of not being able to stop smiling, of goosebumps covering my body, of tears welling up in my eyes, of universe aligning and telling me something here and there.
But I am feelin it big time.

I went to another talk about El Salvador tonight. Called "Do You Love the World Enough to See It?" Father Mark who is one of the main professors, jesuits, souls of the Casa program in El Salvador showed pictures, told stories, showed videos and explained the pillars of the program. But really its the feelings that he conveyed that had my heart on the table jumping all over the place yelling at me that this is where I am supposed to be.

I cant put the feeling into words but El Salvador next fall is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. And my heart is so dang sure of it. Its gonna be scary and hard and its gonna rock my world. But that is exactly what I need. The little giggles of the Salvadoran kids, the connection of with the community, the excitement about classes because what they are teaching is what you are living.. it all sounds like the most perfect thing ever. Scariness, courage, vulnerability, compassion.. opening my heart and my mind and having everything I know get tossed around a little. That is exactly what I need.

I was telling the women of my soul recently that I haven't ever really signed up for a challenge. Life has thrown me some scary stuff, I've shed my fair share of tears, and have been on a rollercoaster ride. And all the ups and downs and what ifs and challenges, those have made me. And although I dont want anybody to feel some of that pain I cannot imagine not experienceing those things... but they really had nothing to do with me. I just happened to be leaning on the tree that fell but I never was the one who really had my roots ripped out and my whole world turned upside down. And even if it felt like it I sure as heck never asked anyone to flip my world for me.

But this time.. Im signing up for it. I'm writing the essays, filling out the application, and choosing to go into a crazy, scary and amazing part of my life. And I couldnt be more excited. Im scared, Im worried I wont be able to speak well, I know Ill be far away. I know Ill have days where Ill wish I could be home where things are how Im used to... but just as much as it will be hard.. it will be amazing. It will show me what matters. It will force me to search deep down into the core of who and what I am and come back still searching but maybe directed more in the way I should be headed.

The feeling is out of this world. And I am so so happy that this is where I am headed and so so very thankful for the people who have helped me to find this direction.

I dont really have the world to sum this up... cause its just the beginning of sooo much. The universe is a crazy force and learning to hear it and feel it is such an important thing

shmorgashboard of thoughts

2011-02-06T22:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I come to this blog and the words just flow... my thoughts make sense and when I read it it sounds like I think it should.
Other times I cant make words so I ramble and read it and think that people are gonna think Im crazy.. sometimes I delete it.. sometimes I just give up and post it.
Blogging is a funny thing. But I like it. For me. And for you. And I like reading other peoples thoughts. Its like a reminder that we are all crazy thinkers and we have a lot more in common than we let ourselves believes. And sometimes putting my thoughts into words just validates them for me.
So... if your reading this I apologize for the times that I ramble... please ignore them if you feel it necesarry.

I dont really have perfect thoughts today but I do know a couple things.
This weekend was absolutley fantastic.
Not cause I went on some big adventure or had some crazy collegesque experience or cause i met a nice cute boy... just cause it filled my soul in ways that my soul has appreciated as of late.
Yoga, farmers market, layin in the sun, lots of gigglin, some cooking and baking, and just some really really great people in my life.
It was just a perfect weekend of relaxing and enjoying the simple things that make up life.
It has been mid 70's here all weekend.. we laid out in swim suits.. ITS FEBUARY. Crazy talk. But I like it. And I like that the mountains aren't too far away if Im really cravin some winter.
I love that I have people in my life who I get to do things like yoga and farmers market and days in the sun and talks about nothing and everything all at the same time. This place is amazing.. and I love the feeling of just being with great friends and enjoying each others company.. ya know.

I went to the Kindergarten class at LUCHA on Friday cause they need some more help and working in 3rd grade this year I'd been missin the little ones. THEY ARE SO FREAKIN CUTE. In kindergarten you still think school and teachers are REALLY cool and exciting and by 3rd grade you have already accumulated some attitude. Mind you I love the 3rd graders too but its just a different dynamic and its fun to be in both classrooms and see the similarities and differences. They are real good kiddos and I love spendin my time there.

Yoga... I go through phases with exercise. Last year it was swimming. This fall it was running. Right now its yoga. This place near by is doing a really sweet deal for students so a bunch of us got memberships there which makes it way easier to get there when friends are going too. Some of the classes are super gentle and just relaxing but others are really hard and leave my muscles in need of gentle yoga to heal. BUT I LOVE IT. I love the challenge of getting better and I love that even if Im in pain for a moment in the middle by the end I feel completely relaxed and reenergized. So good for the soul.

I guess thats all. Time is crazy, its already week 6. Which means we are HALFWAY done with this quarter. I dunno how that crap happens. The weeks are so packed full of life that they just fly by, its kinda sad when you think about it.. but exciting too. Oh ya.. Im going to Navajo Nation in Arizona for an immersion trip over Spring Break and Im super duper excited.. I love this place and all the challenges it has for me. I also miss home... its normal I just love that place and those people so much SO Im planning to be there in March! :)

Thats all.. Happy Monday! <3

20 years old, el amor propio, cookie cutters

2011-01-31T23:07:00.000-08:00

Hello there.
Happy day.
I am 20. Tomorrow is February 1st. LIFE IS CRAZY

My birthday was fantastic. It was full of love, so much love that my heart was overflowing for days on end. I am so lucky. We ate Thai food, sweet girls gave me flowers, Kylie made me a birthday dinner, we sang, lots of people called and Hayley and I went to Tahoe. It was so great.
I was reminded of my oasis.. my element. The mountains on my skis with the cold but oh so fresh air making my cheeks a little extra rosy. I was in heaven and realized that the 3 hour drive is 100% worth it for that feeling of peace and adrenaline and comfort. My element. I love it. And I LOVE that Hayley came with me. It was fantastic.

I thought a little about the fact that Ive been alive for 20 years. That I will NEVER EVER again be a teenager. I thought about things I have felt and learned. I thought about what 20 means.. lots of big things happen in your twenties. I thought about all that has happened.. and all that is to come and was just the right amount of sentimental about it that I should have been.
The point of the story though is that my life is pretty amazing and I am thankful for every moment that has gotten me here... every single one. And oh so excited for all thats to come. The perfect balance.

In other words. I have been thinking a lot lately. About lots of things. Two important ones though..

"el amor propio".... the translation is respect/ self pride. But the words mean the own love... self love. Ive been thinking a lot about this word lately. And then I read about it in another blog. And then today when I was doing my spanish homework that word just caught me eye. I've been thinking about it as confidence, insecurity, measure of success... all these different things that didnt quite cut it for me. But el amor propio... that does the job.
Its funny how we judge ourselves so much harder than others. And how we each have our own criteria to judge ourselves on, things that may mean nothing to others, and some that do. I think self love is ever changing, ever challenging. Its a learning process that is painful and up and down and all over the place. We all have days where we think "check me out" and others where we'd rather just curl up and stay in bed all day.
But what is important I think about it all.. is learning what the things are that make you love yourself more. And learning that you do have control over how you feel about your body and what you do with it. And its not all physical at all.. its about how you feel inside and often times that shows on the outside.
Ive been thinking about being whole... and I think it really comes down to self love. Eating healthy, doing yoga, running, spending time with people who love me, spending time on my school work... those all make me love myself more. And I like learning how to control the amount of el amor propio that Im feeling for the day.
Feel beautiful, do things that make you feel beautiful inside and out. Overflow your glass of amor propio :)

Next, cookie cutters.
These things are everywhere. And as humans who like pattern and expectations and order... we like cookie cutters. We like to go to colleges where we know we will fit in, we like to have majors that we know will give us a job,we like to say things that we know people will accept. We like to stay in our comfy little places of security. But ya know what I think... I think that sometimes the cookies that are made by hand... and have funky shapes and silly designs, I think those are some of the best cookies. There is pressure to do things the cookie cutter way in so many aspects of life, people ask you what your gonna do with your major cause they want you to have a cookie cutter answer, wrapped in a nice little box with a bow that they can just nod their head and agree with. But I saw a quote the other day that said "life begins at the end of our comfort zone" and I love everything about it.

I have been thinking about majors. And I get asked all the time what Im gonna do with mine.. and ya know what I AM GONNA DO SO MUCH and I am so excited. And I like that my answer is organic and moldable and doesnt fit into a cookie cutter... cause cookie cutters kinda scare me a little. I think it is so very important to go out of your comfort zone, do things a little differently, test the waters. And I am thankful for Santa Clara to show me a little bit of both what a cookie cutter looks like and what it doesnt have to look like. Im thankful for opportunities to push my limits and to be scared and excited. I am thankful for the challenges and the chance to make this experience exactly what it is I want out of it. I am really super stoked that I am thinking about cookie cutters, and learning the beauty of cookies made by hand, molded and shaped into exactly what you want them to be. Thats what Im gonna do with my life :)

One last thing... El Salvador El Salvador El Salvador. It is in my head all the time. And my heart is so sure of that decision its amazing. But I have a little secret... one that your probably gonna hear a lot between now and a year from now when Im back.. I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.

And I LOVE IT :)

the haps

2011-01-26T23:44:00.000-08:00

So heres whats up...

I have three midterms and a whole lot of work AND a whole lot of life this week
and I got through phases of totally calm and totally ready to rock it and then AHHH REALLY STRESSED moments.
I am having trouble sleeping because of the prednisone that is supposed to cure the Bronchitis... problem is sleep is part of the cure so its unproductive, also unproductive for the amount of productivity and focus on need this week...
But ya know... letting go.

My brain has been going CRAZY
Partly because I cant sleep at night. Thats when some of my best and worst thoughts happen. Im more creative... and also a little less realistic.
But there are a good amount of good creative, thoughtful juices going.

Im trying to let go, be less stressed, take it all in.

LUCHA is fitting into my heart just how I want it to be. Good things are happening. The kids are gettin to know me, its all so very relative and connected.

There are some big things going on in my head. Majors. Epiphanys. Life. Conclusions. Questions. All good

I went to a little chat about Casa tonight... and my heart was fluttering the whole time. More to come on that but it feels SO right and that is so wonderful.

I turn 20 soon. WEIRD

Thats all.. Its late and I have an Econ midterm tomorrow and Im exhausted. But life is so dang good. And I have lots of thoughts and ideas and excitement coming for you.
Happy Thursday! <3

watchin trees hearing hearts

2011-01-23T23:40:00.000-08:00

WHOA

SCCAP RETREAT
beauty pain thoughts love dreamin bein givin doin livin dancin snugglin thinkin hiking brainstormin wondering feeling wishing hoping making being doing
What a weekend.
What a place, what a group of people.
SO MUCH love and gratitude and understanding.
Such a contemplative weekend of how the beauty and the pain of this world come together and what the heck do we do with it?
Well with people like those SCCAPers around.. we do so much with it.
Gratitude and passion and fire and excitement and inspiration and motivation and love are a flowin.
And reality is big and scary and littttttlllee overwhelming but not with those things as your leadin ways of life and those people as the ones to inspire and force you to question yourself and be better. SO GOOD

Anyways... I was reminded to be thankful and hold on to the big picture and never loose sight of all this meaning and love and life that we are working for. Its easy to get caught up in the logistics and the nitty gritty and the stuff that really doesnt matter. But when you step back and watch the trees blowin in the wind and listen to the hearts of others needs and wants and concerns... your reminded that we are really all in this for the same thing and we are really lucky and its a lot simpler than we let ourselves believe.

Mind you it isnt cake... it isnt easy and we cant just sit back and hope for it all to work out.
Its all about the balance.
And I am so very thankful to have that reminder.

Happy Monday. Happy week 4. Happy midterms and homework and jobs and real life. Happy birthdays and good days and sick days and up and down days. Happy times with friends and foes and rollercoasters. Happy reminders of inspiration and oh ya... thats what Im here for... to take on the world with all those things that flow like wildfire within me and between us.
XOXO

reality check?

2011-01-18T20:30:00.000-08:00

When I stop and think about it now I cant believe it.. and I have no idea how it happened.
But someone out there decided it'd be a good idea to put me, along with my trusty partner Jess, in charge of Young RYLA this year... WHOA... REALLY?
Some really amazing people, and some serious love for that camp have brought me this far... and some crazy life that just happens to bring you to places you never thought you'd end up and have to pinch yourself sometimes to make sure your really there.

So... for the last few months we've been reading applications, brainstorming, talking about what we need and want, dreaming, asking, calling, interviewing, listening, struggling and... honestly it hasn't felt that real. We had 100 and some applicants to choose from and what a crazy process. Picking, choosing, and having to let some go, its a little hard on the heart when they are all SO amazing. And I may or may not have had more than a few moments of "ahhh are we doing the right thing... why am I qualified to make these decisions?!?!?!" But... when it came down to it, we made the choices and when we made the calls... it started to become really real. The excitement, and the voices and faces and all of it coming together reminded me that yes... Jess and I are in charge of this years Young RYLA and yes we are qualified and YES WE ARE GONNA MAKE IT OUT OF THIS WORLD!

The team has been chosen and informed and my news feed was filled with 5 friends added so and so and so and so accepted your friend request and those little Young RYLA butterflies in my heart just starting fluttering away. These kids are rockstars and I am so dang excited for every minute that this becomes more and more real. Its gonna be A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!! So... get excited :)

Also, last night when I was trying to fall asleep, a little unstoked on the fact that I am sickkk and spent my three day weekend trying to get better and still dont feel quite better I got a text asking about potential places to travel after El Salvador. First of all... I might be going to El Salvador??? REALLY? Again... WHOA someone pinch me ;). Second of all, how exciting that I will be there with friends who I can plan trips with now.. and go on trips with then. And go through the scary moments and the amazing moments. And speak English with when my brain starts to hurt, and relate to when life seems so far from what I know. Exciting... so exciting!

So... I guess what Im feeling is a little bit of a reality check of how unreal and wonderful my life is and how the opportunities it has given me are just sometimes to amazing for me to wrap my mind around. Craziness.

Other exciting things... Hayley and I looked at another potential place to live next year and everyday get more and more and more and more excited that we are going to live together... ahhh so perfect!
And... this weekend is our winter SCCAP retreat and I am sooo dang excited!
And... as if thats not enough, next week I turn 20 (AHHH OLD) and am gonna celebrate with a weekend in Tahoe with my best friend. So stoked.

Im one lucky kid. And life is exciting. And my lungs and are still not getting a long quite right... but we'll get there, and I am making slow progress. I have lots of great people around me to remind me to take care of myself and not go out and do all things I want to do cause in the end I wont be able to do them for a longer time. So... Im forcing myself to rest and go to bed early and do all the things Im supposed to so I will get better. Cause its time!

Happy Wednesday... I love how 3 day weekends make the days in class just go by that much faster!

Three day weekend in bed... no fun

2011-01-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

So.. I had this really really great three day weekend planned out. Saturday at the beach, Sunday going to Glide and spendin some time in San Fran and then going up to Tahoe to ski Monday. I was SO stoked. But... instead I woke up Saturday morning coughing my brains out and having a bit of a hard time breathing... later I found out I had bronchitis. So instead of all the fun I had planned I spent most of the weekend in bed trying with all my might to feel better... ughhhh

I have this problem when I get sick where I have such a hard time not doing the things I want to do. I almost still went skiing until my trusty best friend said "Im really concerned about you going skiing" and of course she was right. 4 hours in the car both ways would have been way too much in itself so I decided I'd stay back.

I know I needed to stay in bed this weekend and take care of myself but I just HATE not being able to do the things I want to do. I hate being forced to stay in bed instead of playing outside and adventuring and exercising and just being a normal human being. And this cough has been fighting me for over a month now and frankly Im really sick of it.

But. Im really hoping it will go away REALLY soon. And instead of being frusterated about all the things I didnt get to do (or more just a way to hide that frusteration) I need to think about the good things I did do like Search Small Group Dinner at Jasmine, Friday Night Lights, Sunset at the Beach, some quality time with my besties who stayed by my side through all of the coughing and sleeping and utter boringness that I was this weekend, some homework (i mean not really but a little) and.. thats really all. But a resting weekend is good. And there are more weekends for loads of fun and adventures and this body of mine really needs to get better so I can play and run and jump and be outside and do all the things I should be doing sooner than later!

Hope you all had a wonderful and healthy three day weekend :)

things that are just plain RAD!

2011-01-14T00:08:00.000-08:00

So.. I just wanted to tell you about a few really super duper RAD things. Things in my life that have had me walking on sunshine lately, figured it'd be polite to share the love, ya know...

1. Life... but thats a given.. seriously though

2. When life gets really scary for amazing people, and hands get dealt that seem absolutely insane, and you have no choice but to hold on real tight.. its rad when a friend who is in that place calls and says "Im happy, life is good, Im not stressed and Im just taking it all in"... that is some serious positive outlook and courage. Life is full of scary stuff, but that right there, thats how we get through it. Props to you Kelsey Guyette, you are beyond rad.

3. A really cool part of my family whose path is leading them to do something bigger than themselves and to give back to the world. My cousins Bryan and Laurie have 3 boys... they are already rock stars. The middle boy Chase came with an extra chromosome and filled their house with just that much more love and acceptance and amazingness. They have decided to adopt a little boy Chase's age from the Ukraine. He too has an extra chromosome and is living in a place that hasn't yet developed in that realm to give him what he needs. So through the will of some higher power, courage, amazingness and love, these already out of this world parents are gonna bring even more love (and lets be honest... a little bit more chaos) into their house. If you wanna check out how rad they are go to addingtothemaddness.blogspot.com. Trust me they rock.

4. Yoga- sooo good for the soul, and a really awesome deal at a near by yoga studio makes it just that much better

5. REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome friends. Nuff said

6. Dancing, singing and laughing til 3 in the morning.. I love you SCCAPERS

7. Young RYLA planning

8. SKIING.. Tahoe pass and new skis are waiting for me, so stoked to have more winter in my winter this year!

9. Education and Mentoring SCCAP department, awesome people who see all the potential and challenges that are out there and who wanna make it known.

10. Rice cookers and their ability to cook me deliciously healthy and fresh meals right in the comfort of my own dorm... see ya later nasty oily make my tummy hurt Benson food.

11. Classes that make my brain work a little harder but in a way that I loooveee... not in a way that puts me to sleep.

12. One step closer to El Salvador this fall and the feeling of pure excitement mixed with a little terror... its gotta be good when it can have the two of those mixed to such a t

13. Three day weekends :)

And sooo many more things

I really hope that you can make a big ol list of things you think are rad... because again and again I will say this "I am forever amazed by the scariness and beauty of this life and how the universe opens you up to both as a reminder to live better every single day"... thats my new motto. Its just all to bone chillingly scary and amazing, heart breaking but also making my heart soar... insane in a way I cant wrap my mind around it sorda thing. Your rad too... go walk on some sunshine!

XOXO

the place of my soul

2011-01-09T22:27:00.000-08:00

Im home. Im laying in my bed with freshly cleaned sheets. With pretty lights and wonderful decorations around me. In this room that I have made mine and fits my soul just where it is right now. That has a map for me to dream of traveling. Pictures of life with all of the most important people. Quotes that remind me why I live everyday. And all things that are me.

I spent the weekend on my terms. With amazing friends. I served meals to people in the Tenderloin on Friday night and made a delicious homemade dinner with awesome friends afterwards. I danced and sang and laughed with my best friends on Friday night and wasted all of Saturday away vegging. I had amazing dates with two of my best friends last week and we talked about all things life. All the things that are confusing and amazing and different. All the things that happened at home and how they all fit into my heart and theirs. And how being back here feels right.

I called my mama crying on Monday night... and everyday after that. I talked to my best friend today. I cried for hurt that happens to people that are so amazing and searched deep inside to find words of wisdom for something that is absolutely unfair and makes no sense. I questioned life and my beliefs. I sent my love through the phone and promised I would do whatever I could from this far away... and far away it felt. I worked on Young RYLA through the phone and forever wish that I could have more face time with my lovely team.

I got an acceptance email to go to El Salvador next fall and looked at a house to live in next year. I went to my first day of classes in a new quarter and was excited about every single one of them.

I am back to this life that makes me feel so good. That makes my brain and my heart work hard. Where I work to be whole and take care of me in all the ways I have found that make me go. I miss home and was sad to say goodbye but I am learning to mesh my lives. Or actually not really but learning what fits where. Life is good. It is scary and hard and confusing too. But deep down it is good and there is so much that we have control of to make it that way, which is the most important thing to remember when scary things out of our control happen. Take care of yourself. Love the people around you. Feel whole. And cherish every moment that you have happy, healthy and alive on this wonderful, scary mess of a planet. We are all luckier than we will ever understand. Xoxoxo

it feels like laughter and love

2010-12-26T22:55:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas. Happy December 26th. My heart and soul are full and happy. I'm sleeping on the couch next to the fireplace and the lit Christmas tree and it feels just right.

Coming home is a little bit of a process for me. A stark contrast from what has become home and sometimes a bit of a slow transition. But then I get in the swing of things. Friends start coming home. Life and festivities and fitting things in come back full swing and Christmas puts the icing on the cake.

Christmas Eve festivities with part of my Leadville crew. Good food and laughter and catching up. Jokes and an understanding that we will forever have.
Then a late night drive down to family, jamming to NSync and Aaron Neville Christmas. Singing, remembering Christmas eves dancing with my brother in the living room and taking a moment to soak it all up.
Then comes family Christmas. Loud, crazy, semi dysfunctional, hilarious, and overflowing with copious amounts of love and understanding and thankfulness. Good food and good company, late nights, early morning and all the quirks that nobody else can quite understand. And... it feels wonderful. It feels like home.

There are times in your life where "family" and "home" get a little bit confusing. And your heart aches to understand where they fit and fights about what they are and what they arent. When you wonder what your supposed to want and need and what you should be doing or wanting to do on your own. You try to figure out how much concern is the right amount and you go through phases of knowing inside and out and sometimes feeling lost from the people who have been through the most with you. Then on days like Christmas you forget and remember all at the same time cause it just is. Family and love and home. It feels like laughter and inside jokes, story telling, cheers, food passing and a wholleee lot of lovin. So... during those moments I try to soak it all up, so that I can feel it and love it and get it even when it doesnt quite fit.

Merry Christmas all, I hope yours felt right and like home. I hope there was love and some dysfunction and lots of laughter. And I hope all feels right in the world to you, even if just for a moment...xoxox

home...

2010-12-18T22:04:00.000-08:00

Oh home... that word just sounds so weird lately, and more and more so as the time goes by. Ive been home for over a week now. Its been good. Its been hard. I've laughed and cried and skiied and played and picked RYLA JC's and watched my sweet Kamryn Rae dance. I've had spurts of seeing friends and I've spent a fair amount of time with myself. I've read an entire book. Been to Boulder, Conifer and Fort Collins... and for some reason, Im just here.

Home is never as simple as it should be. Sometimes it hurts hard. It makes for tired, red eyes and a reminder of the misunderstandings I faced all those years. But... in its own way also reminds me all that I have made out of it. Of all the memories. All the amazing people. All the ups and downs and ins and outs. And for some reason... it puts me into a little bit of a just go with the flow and be mode. Maybe cause thats what living at home and being in school pre college means. Going with the flow, getting by just how you are supposed to and in some weird way doing what you are told you should do.

Then you go to college. And you make your own rules. Your own moods. Your own opinions and choices. You make your own life. You start to care about things you didn't before, you find ways to make yourself go, you pick your friends and have conversations that are so meaningful and you start to learn whats really important, what really matters. And maybe thats why when I come home... I just sorta feel like I sit back and take it all in. Hayley said tonight "I'm not really carpe dieming anything right now"... I should be, and maybe now that people are coming home and things might pick up I will more, or maybe I will see the people and enjoy my time and love these mountains, but Ill do it feeling like I didnt go away and things havent changed and Carpe Diem isnt part of my everyday life.

I love pieces of here I really do. I love the mountains out my window. And the time to relax. And the forever lasting love. The best friends. Family. Sweet Kamryn Rae. The driving and craziness. My bed. Provin Grounds. I love it...but there are also parts of it that dont fit in just how I'd like them to, so when I come, I have learned to enjoy the good parts and try with all my might to let the rest go. But, for the sake of how much there is to love here Im gonna try to take it all in, to enjoy it, to love it, to get out of it all that I can. Cause it will be over soon. And Ill be happy to be back.

But... forever I will miss it. And I will watch how things change and even with the overflowing of joy and excitement in my heart there will still be that ping of learning to let go and learning how to mesh it. Cause change... its the craziest thing. And to quote another of Hayley and I's genius epiphany's "this life thing is the craziest thing I have ever experienced"

Here's to a break full of love and joy and carpe diem. To letting myself find my way back into home the first week and spending the next enjoying all there is to love. Happy Holidays! XOXO

places of love, acceptance and joy

2010-12-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

HELLO! Happy December 7th! Happy I GO HOME IN TWO DAYS! Happy 1 MORE FINAL! Woot woot. I am in GREAT spirits today. For so many reasons. I am SO excited to come home to that little land of wonderful that I am so lucky to call home. To my big huge family that has taken care of me for the last 19 years. To snow. To relaxing. To RYLA planning. To so many things. Im just excited... you get the just of it.

The last few days I have had a couple of those moments of unutterable fulfillment.. moments where my heart was soaring, and all the world's problems were at peace for that moment.Moments of love, joy and acceptance, the things that we should be living by, that we should be connected by, that we should be soaring all the time because of.

1. Special Olympics Dance on Saturday night. About 50 athletes and their parents came and got their groove on for their Holiday party here at SCU. We SCCAPers hosted them, and danced the night away with them. It was more fun that you could ever imagine having at a dance, and easily the best Saturday night this year. No reserves. No Im cooler than you. No worrying about what other people think. Just fun and joy and some serious dance skills. Dance skills like you have never seen, confidence and excitment and an outpouring of love that is so dang special. Seriously... its amazing

2. Glide service Sunday morning. Glide is the church in Pursuit of Happyness, in the middle of the tenderloin (the roughest part of SF) and THE single most amazing church service I have ever experienced. It was all about love and joy and acceptance and equality. All the things that every single church should be preaching. Singing, dancing, laughing and loving life... with people who live lives most of us could never imagine. The reverend didn't just read from the bible, he read from the Torah and a couple other texts. We said amen, shalom, namaste, rock on. We threw our hands in the air. We started out the service hugging everyone around us. And I teared up about seven million times at the amount of joy and love, in a place where people have so little they love and enjoy so much. The world should take a lesson from these people. Again.. seriously mind blowing.

3. My run this morning. My ipod stopped working so I ran in silence. Its sunnier out than its been for a while. And I ran to a nature place. I am not sure what it is, some sort of religious area.. with a church like building surrounded by nature. Peace, quiet, growth, organic landscape and a whole lot of beauty. I walked through in silence, taking it all in. Nature is an amazing thing. Where trees curl around each other and grass grows every which way. A place where you stop looking at the flaws because it is just real and organic and it feels SO dang good. I miss that. And I am so very excited to get back to it in a couple days.

Dear universe, you are a freakin rock star. Thanks for this out of this world life.
Remind me to tell you about my paper on immigration...interesting stuff.
Happy day, hope you are smiling and loving and living right.
xoxoxox

living, peace and the big picture

2010-12-03T21:09:00.000-08:00

Its crazy how life flies by.
Its crazy how you go through the motions and suddenly its the end of the week. The month or the quarter.
Time is one of those things that I just cannot and will not ever be able to grasp. And one of the reasons I try really hard to love every moment, cause when I don't, before I know it, those moments are gone.

Im laying in bed with Christmas lights lighting up my room and Christmas music playing. Happy as can be to be in on a Friday night. To have plans to watch a Christmas movie with friends. To have a weekend of studying and paper writing but also lots of good things ahead of me.

I have found myself over and over again this quarter getting a little caught up in the mundane. Some might call it the sophomore slump. Others an attitude problem. Or maybe just part of life.
Its funny how you figure yourself out some days, and other days you just cant understand why you feel one way and not another. Lots of times I think I know myself pretty well, what makes me go, what I need to do to feel motivated and excited and like life is wonderful. But sometimes I just hit a wall and have to search a little deeper to pull myself out of it.

But the best thing about it.. is once I do pull myself out of that silly slump I feel like life is just THAT MUCH BETTER!

Im going home on Thursday. And its one of those things that just slaps me in the face and shows me how much things change. Im excited, I am ... for so many things. But also, some part of me feels like this is home. And this is MY life... and that is some other girls life. Some other girl who I dont know very well these days. And who everytime I go home I reunite with, but something about it is just still a little different. And more and more each time.

Its a funny thing. Change. Time. Growing up. Wonderful and scary and so many things all at the same time. And so much of the time it just goes, and you forget to stop and appreciate. But then there are times like right now. Sitting alone with Christmas lights around me and feeling completely at peace with myself and my life, even if there is all sorts of chaos and stress and excitement and so many things going around in my head.. stopping and just being with me reminds me that the change and time and growing up, deep down its still me.
The me that loves my family and best friends with every piece of my heart. That is excited about every day of life at Santa Clara but also has SUCH a huge place in my heart for home, winter, fireplaces and that small town. For all the people there and the memories and the familiar. The me that wants to do so much, but likes to just be sometimes. The me that doesn't need to be here or there to be happy, that can love pieces of each, that can find the good in so many things, that loves all the pieces of my life that have gotten me where I am and that can get in touch with all sides of me to keep the me who is really me here and alive and excited and LIVING not just existing. The me that doesn't need to get caught up in all the little things that are all too easy to let get to me, but instead can see the big picture and love it for what it is.
So... through the paper writing and final studying. Through the going home and dealing with how the change, and sometimes lack of change fits into my heart and my place in this world, I will remind myself of how good this life is as a whole and how dang unimportant the little things are. And of all the ways I can pull myself out of that funk.

Happy December world. Happy Christmas lights and music and cheer and joy and family and giving season. Feel it, take it all in. And find some time for peace and quiet. To spend with you, and get back in touch with the inner peace, that makes the outter chaos a little easier to navigate.
See you soon Colorado family <3

thankful, thoughtful and wanting to give

2010-11-25T22:01:00.000-08:00

Some of my favorite things as of late are...
hot tea, good healthy food, family- especially my mama, traveling, adventures, holidays, best friends, learning, dreaming, cozy days, snow, quality conversations, and so much more.

And today.. I am thankful for all those things, and that the last week has been filled to the brim with all of those things. It has been a wonderful break and I have so much to be thankful for.
Sitting here in this warm cozy house, with my tummy full as can be, watching a Christmas movie, I think of all the people who are spending their days so differently than I am. I think of all the things that are important to me, and just wish that I could give some of it to people who cant even think beyond a pair of socks, a warm coat or enough food to get by for the day. I hope someday I can give some of what I am so fortunate to have to somebody who's life has taken them in a different direction. And I hope I never ever forget to be grateful for all the wonderfulness that is this life.

This quote came in my email a couple days ago, and I think it is perfect for today, and everyday, and I think it is important that we remember everyday how much we have, and how much we have to give. I hope we can all see the beauty in life, the need, and the outpouring of love that we have seen in our lives and that so many people deserve. Lets think of all we have, but lets also think of all we can do, cause that understanding, that love, that willingness, can change someones life.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow"

I am so thankful today and everyday, for all of you, for this life I am so lucky to have. And I hope you too, have so much to be grateful for. Lets turn that gratefulness into giving and loving and helping someone else to be grateful... it's easy and can start with something as simple as a smile.

Happy Thanksgiving! xoxoxox

Off to the NorthWest in t-minus 4 hours

2010-11-19T09:51:00.000-08:00

Good morning world. I am off to the NorthWest in t-minus 4 hours. WOW! Um, Im not quite feeling a hundred percent prepared. But.. Ill get there and I will get to the places and people I cant wait to see and it will be a fantastic week.

I don't know where this week went, or this quarter at that. Time has just been FLYING and it is the craziest concept to me.

SEARCH left me a little contemplative, filled with love, in la la land and compeltely exhausted, and I feel like I kida let my week slip past me.
Sometimes I do that. get caught up in life, or me time, or the idea that I dont have that much to do, and suddenly the week is gone and Im on my way to Oregon today and I'm feeling A LITTLE UNPREPARED... ahhh

It will all work out. But Im stressing a little right now. We are staying in Eugene tonight with a friend of Margot's and then Im being dropped off in Portland tomorrow to see Mikalia and Kerry and Whitney which is BEYOND fantastic but the logistics are a little challenging. Ive been trying to figure out how to get back and fourth between Forest Grove and Portland, see the city of Portland, see Lewis and Clark and have some quality time with all of them (all within 2 days) and Im figuring it out but I could use a little more green stuff/a little more time/ a jet to make it all a little more efficent. Thats ok though IT IS GOING TO BE FANTASTIC!

I am so excited for the drive up with Margot
for the hours and hours of conversation that I couldn't think of a better person to have with
for the delerious exhaustion and fits of laughter that are sure to come from 9 hours of drive
for the jammin
for the sites
I am so excited for the time in Portland
to see the city I have heard so much about
to catch up with Kerry and Mikalia and Whitney
to talk about all things life
to explore
to see their worlds
AND I am so very excited to be in Seattle
the city that has so much history and so much life and so much love
that means something so big to my family and that is a place I need to go to understand
for the time with my mama
for the exploring
and the relaxing
to see family and new places and familiar faces.

It is going to be wonderful. And instead of stressing about it I am just going to get there and make it happen and love every minute of it, because it is going to be fantastic and I am SO very excited! :)

Happy Weekend and Thanksgiving Break or almost Thanksgiving Break to some of you. I hope you have exciting things coming and aren't too stressed out and are taking in all the beauty that is life <3
Be back soon with updates of this wonderful trip!
XOXO

moments of unutterable fulfillment

2010-11-15T15:51:00.000-08:00

It was one of those weekends. One of those experiences... that I have no words for, except for the words of this quote...

"Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart" -MLK Jr

One of those weekends where I am left listening to the CD over and over and over and over again, even though it only has 9 songs on it. Where I keep looking through the pictures. Where quiet means time for me to think it and feel it and love it. When I am so greatful that it happened, but not sure Im quite ready to let go of the moments of being there, when putting it into real life is easier said than done.

I feel lucky to have had numreous experiences of this sort in my lifetime.

This one was special though. They are all in different ways. But this weekend was something I didn't even know I needed but gave me something so huge and so much realization and thought and understanding. This one was solely about me, and it was exactly what I never knew I needed.

In short... I have spent the last year and a half focusing on me. Finding me, understanding me, breathing in the life that I have created for me. And it has been amazing, but as always in this crazy human life there was something missing. And that something I found this weekend, was a relationship with my family that I have let become less and less deep and raw and real. I have ran from the scary things we experienced together and have asserted myself to think I am strong and independent and can do it on my own. But... they are my family and I need them and I want them in my life more than anything in the world. And I am ready to try harder to heal these relationships that have been weathered by so many ups and downs.

I thought about faith. My faith. Focusing it. Feeling it. Putting it into life. I thought about my identity. About authenticity. About love. About so many things. And spent so much time in quiet reflection, something that we all should do more of and forget in the crazy business of life.

I think that love is listening. It is trust, patience and understanding. It is pure.

I think that love is the key to becoming whole.

And I want to forever continue to become more whole. In myself. My relationships, my every day and in my life.

I was more content than I can remember being probably since RYLA and even more relaxed because this time I was being led, not leading. This time it was about figuring out me. Sitting under the big open star filled sky on Saturday night. Around a bonfire surrounded by all these people, many who I had met less than 48 hours before and feeling this out pouring of love. Singing songs, contemplating life, understanding and being grateful for all that is good and amazing. It was... indescribable, something that only the language of my heart can understand, and will never be able to explain.

I am so thankful for my curiosity and need to push my limits and for this place that offers so many great ways to explore yourself and the world and this life. I am thankful that after being so scared of this retreat last year I was ready to go on it last year. And I am thankful that I spent the weekend thinking of my family. Of love. Of things that I had let myself believe are not that important. And I am beyond thankful for the people that helped me figure it out. For the conversations, the hugs, the affirmations of love, the understanding and empathy, the openness and the trust.

And now I will continue to SEARCH and try to put it all into life. I will remember the moments of pure contentment, the realizations, the support, every piece of it that I can bring back to reality. Thank you SEARCHERS, leaders, and universe for letting me be where I need to be right when I needed it. XOXOXO

giggles and awesome outlooks on life

2010-11-10T11:52:00.000-08:00

good morning world. im feeling motivated and excited and inspired. all because of a 3rd grade boy who needs a little help with his reading. Every Wednesday I go to LUCHA (the elementary school I am in charge of coordinating volunteers for) and work with Sergio. He is a fantastic kiddo who is sweet as can be and forever makes me laugh. Today he was rockin his reading, laughing at the goofy movies givin me a little sass, and giggling like usual. He starts out my day on such a perfect note. He works hard and has fun and totally loves the one on one time.

He reminds me of Young RYLA, of giving awesome kids what they deserve, and being a little bit extra when life is just a pain in the rear sometimes.

If there is anything in life I know, I know that I love working with kids, and somehow that will fit into my life.

I talked to the Urban Education director yesterday and am excited for a minor that gives me more than just a desire to work with kids, but something actually concrete. Cause I love it. I love the fresh outlook and the giggles and the "are we done yet" and the sass. I love when they get to know me and feel comfortable enough to give me a hard time and to joke with me but also understand that Im there to help them. And I love that I get to do this once a week and that I'll be at Young RYLA again watching the magic happen.

And I love the way they make me want to do more and be better and inspire me and remind me how wonderful life is.

Im feeling super into LUCHA and wanting to do more, and overflowing with ideas of what we can do. And thats just how I like it :)

Happy hump day! Go find some kiddos to hang out with or go watch this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk it will make your day :)
XOXOXO

focusing my energy on peach tea, a weekend with zachy, and all that is good in the world

2010-11-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

Im sitting at my desk, drinking peach tea and eating a trader joe's salad. Buying a plane ticket. Reading great blogs. And watched an inspiring story. My Zachy was here all weekend. SEARCH in 4 days, Thanksgiving break in 11 and home in a month. Life is good.

I have been in a funk. I funked all last week cause of boredom with school. Frusteration with silly little life things. Then even in the midst of Zachy being here this weekend I funked about my family. About some love and understanding he brought with him that allowed me to bring somethings that I put aside to the forefront of my brain for a bit and had me a little bit teary eyed here and there.

We had the best weekend. Playing, adventuring, wrestling, talking about all the things we talk about, and dreaming up life. I am so glad he came, to un funk me and to let me feel. To let me be a little upset about a couple things in my life that despite trying to forget, still are a little off, and are a little be worth being upset about. He heard me out and got it, like nobody does. He cuddled with me like only a best friend can and fit right into this here life. It was fantastic.

I called my mama today exhausted, sad that he had left. And frusterated with people in my life who aren't always what I want them to be. And she listened to me and helped me and told me it'd all be ok. I love that about mama's. And i love that even when you try to be strong and do it alone in the end you end up calling the mama and letting go, having red eyes and being told it'd be ok. And hearing "we can count down the days now" (til we see each other) really made my heart feel a whole lot better.

I reminded myself today and Zachy reminded me this weekend that I need to focus my energy on doing well in school so Im not frusterated, on going for runs so I feel better, on friendships that make me feel good, on all the things that are good in my life... NOT on the frusterations and exhuastions and miss understanding. Cause really, its just a waste of energy.

Im ready for a break... but I gotta get there first. Im excited to be home at Christmas but Im also excited for the next 4 weeks before that. Life is good. And frustrations and exhaustion and misunderstandings and WHY ME's... those happen. But if they bog you down, thats when your in trouble. So... even if Im funking... Im gonna focus my energy somewhere else. <3

best friend- so good for the soul

2010-11-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

this weekend is perfect. and zachy has cured all the lack of inspiration that I've had and distracted me from all the frustration of school and has reminded me of all the wonderful things in this life.

Just a few of the things that have come out of our conversations

" we should add this to the breaking bread book, standing on the beach watching the waves with your best friend, so good for the soul" ~ a few years ago we started coming up with ideas for a book about all things good for the soul;)

"I love that place so much" "Me too, its so great" "We are so lucky to have grown up there" talking about that sweet place we call home

"You can borrow my family" "Thats the best thing about it all, I have so many families I can borrow, thats why Im alive"

So much more. So much love and understanding and life lived together. We talked about the difference in the cultures between here and home, about the amazing people that I have come to know, about the future and living together this summer. About school and family and love and all things life.

We have stayed up late and stayed in bed lounging around. Played frisbee and wrestled on the beach. Went for a late night bike ride and explored the cute surrounding neighborhoods. Did a P90X workout. Sat and talked and joked with friends for hours. Stopped at a fruit stand and got the best fruit we've ever had. And jammed to songs of our souls.. songs of home and childhood and so much on the drive home.

And we still have a day and a half together.

Thank you for sending me Zachy :) Thank you universe for letting me have the best family in the world... who isn't even blood related.

pity party

2010-11-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

So... my Zachy will be here in a few hours, thank god. He will save me from the pity party that has been my week.

I am feeling a little frusterated, exhausted, bored, uninspired. And those are feelings that I do not like.

School is forever tons of work, and I am not in love with any of my classes. And... Spanish and I are in a forever fight. Which is frustrating because I don't wanna fight with Spanish, I wanna be good friends and feel like I can actually use it for all that is useful for. GAHHH!

I know that there is always so much to look forward to, ALWAYS and I know that I am a pitiful whining joke, but... thats just the way it is every once and a while. And right now the best thing in the world sounds like picking up and going to travel the world... all problems solved- no more boredom, no more inspiration drought, and no more fighting with school. I wanna be in a spanish speaking country where I learn by speaking, and by messing up but don't get graded on it. And where people tell me cool stories and teach me about their way of life. I think thats the best kind of school.

I have 2 weeks til Thanksgiving Break and I will make it, and I will work on lowering the level of sass. And this weekend will be so fantastic. But boy am I excited for a week of being lazy, and doing things on my time, and seeing friends and new places and feeling excited not bored. Because being bored is not my style!

Sorry to whine and complain and be no fun to read... Ill get better. I will be refreshed after this weekend and have loads of good things to say about my time with the most wonderful best friend in the world :) Hope your feeling more inspired than I am, do something extra cool for me :)

the string

2010-10-31T23:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween world!! Im not always super sure of the words I want to come out on this here blog... but the thoughts in my head always seem big and important and sometimes they seem really monumental. And sometimes they just are the string that holds life together. But that string is important, and I like it more and more everyday. As I learn more about me, and as Margot would say become "homies with the universe" and all that jazz.

So the thoughts in my head.

Friendships, people, support.. the good, the frusterating, the love of those who show me what amazing friendships are, the new, the old, and the ones I learn from, even if it hurts my head a little.

Nostalgia- halloween, fall, dinner with last years crew, pictures. The feeling of being so lucky for then and now, and wondering what happens in between

Change- that every once and a while starts dancing and says HEY look at all that's happened, and most times you don't even notice it happening

Love- of life and family and friends

Future- all that is has to offer me, how its coming together, how I am so excited, and just scared enough that I'll stay on my toes :)

Urban Education- minor, fits, concrete, actually what I want from my life

Zachy- here next week to fill my heart full of all the best friend loads of love that seep out of him all the time

Motivation- that I find within and from all that surrounds me, to do better, to work hard, to be more, to learn and grow and squeeze the last drops of juice out of this life

School- which means learning and late nights and hard work and excitement and so much that I am so lucky to have unlike so many people... but sometimes makes me feel a tad bit overwhelmed ;)

I could go on forever... but those are where my head is right now. A little sleepy, a little frustrated with group projects, a lot thoughtful and a lot thankful and a lot blown away at all that is life... and wonderful :)

Hope your weekend was full of make believe and giggles and remembering childhood memories. And that you have thoughts in your head that feel like they are leading your life where it is supposed to go, and people to support you the whole way!

XOXOX

celebrations and frustrations

2010-10-23T00:13:00.000-07:00

Last night during a sleepy, thoughtful, dreamer explosion of words that only best friends can keep up with Hayley and I came to the conclusion of a celebrations and frustrations book. I believe in feeling emotions. In not denying yourself the raw moments of pure happiness and all the same the moments of pure sadness. Allowing yourself to feel teaches you about you, helps you understand whats good and whats not so good for that heart that you spend so much of your life trying to find the key to. Cause your own heart and soul and thoughts and dreams and frusterations and misunderstandings, those are the most important. Cause how can you tackle those of the world when you aren't in touch with your own. Life is so good, but Im not gonna lie and say that every minute I love everything or that I dont have moments where I wouldn't mind staying in bed, or when I call my mom three times in a row just to whine, to someone that I know will tell me its all gonna be ok. Cause without those moments, the moments where everything feels right and you are inspired and ready to take on everyday with the biggest smile you can muster just aren't as good. So...

celebrations, likes, loves, inspirations, all things that make my heart flutter and soar

- the cozy cool feel of fall, that calls for scarves and mocassins, sweaters and apple cider

- the taking care of myself that I did this week, sleeping extra, taking a day off cause my body said so

- spending the evening in santa cruz with two of my favorite ladies chatting about all things life, window shopping and real shopping and eating dang good food

- brainstorming with Jess and getting this process of planning RYLA underway

- the absolutely amazing out of this world kiddos that are gonna take Interact to the next level

-my mama, and how much ive been missing her lately. how much i love every piece of her cause she is just that, my mama. and she'll forever be one of the coolest people I know

-the hope in my heart that the El Salvador study abroad program is sneaking its way into, the listening I've done to find it in that place, and the growing excitement and feeling of "yep this ones the right one"

- Halloween costumes I decided on tonight

-the quirky little life Mandy and I have created in this room... and having it to myself sometimes

- organizing, redecorating, perfecting of my room.. and my life at that

- the reminder that life IS inspiring... all over the place, you just gotta open your eyes

-my Zachy coming IN TWO WEEKS!

drum roll please

- SEATTLE.. ROAD TRIP... WITH MARGOT for Thanksgiving.. the pieces came together, you North Westerners, get ready!

and cause Im human and raw and cause I think its allowed

a few frusterations, rough patches or things that just dont quite agree with my soul as of late

-feeling uninspired and a little like a robot going through the motions of class, homework.. repeat

- being too busy for the things that i really want to do

- getting the flu and being so tired trying to kick it

- the male population

- green stuff we call money

-relationships i may never understand and finding a way to come to peace with the misunderstandings

its like swept away... of course the celebrations are so much more. but thats why its ok to feel the other stuff, cause once you get it out, you realize its never as bad as it is if you let it all build up. im going to bed early once last night to kick this flu thing out the door. im doing what i can to remind myself of the inspiration that is life, but giving myself some space to be human and feel frustrated here and there.

its all about balance. and good people. and inspiration

dancing heart

2010-10-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

happy sunday almost monday night.

this snarky little one who sometimes whines about sundays, and boring classes and too much homework and being sleepy...

is avoiding all signs of snarkiness tonight. hey world.. guess what. Im ready for Monday :)

I had such a wonderful weekend. SCCAPiness to the max on Friday night and a sleepover in Hayley and Laurens room just cause I can. And then a weekend filled to the brim with RYLA and Interact and Rotary love and ideas and inspiration and amazingness. And I came home and got into warm cozies and hunkered down in the library for a little bit of frusteration and then a nice feeling of accomplishment when I figured out something not quite in my realm of understanding cause of some serious perserverance, and to top it off tea with my bestie :)

I think all things Rotary are the most amazing thing that ever happened to my life. For reasons that I cannot even begin to put into words. Rolo, Heather, Natalie and the interactors came this weekend to get ideas to build what we have started into something bigger and better that changes more people's lives and forever grows to empower more kids. We played yesterday in Santa Cruz and had a total blast laughing and exploring and talking about anything and everything when RYLA blooded people come together and immediately bond.

It was a blast. And inspiring. In ways that inspiring hasn't quite been defined in my head before. Watching them want to make this grow, watching them excited and empowered and ready to take this so far was amazing. Something that started with this crazy adventure I have been so lucky to go on being passed down to other people in my shoes who want to do something big, who are passionate and excited and out of this world. Its amazing and exciting and I feel so lucky to be a part of it, to hear ideas, to give thoughts, to watch it grow and to be even a little bit of help to them. They're going places, and Im lucky to be on the sidelines :)

And to spend the weekend with Rolo and Heather. Those two are honestly the reason I am where I am today in the RYLA world and in so much bigger aspects of my life. RYLA has become my life, it has changed me and shaped me and lead me to where I am. And the reason I have been able to continue my involvement is because of them. And my heart was some word that I cant even come up with... full and light and dancing... my heart was dancing to spend the weekend with the two of them together, to think of how lucky I am that I have crossed paths with them and created relationships that will last forever and that will lead me to amazing things and that have completely and utterly changed my life. Thank you guys, you truly are absolutely amazing and inspiring people who I am so lucky to call family.

And.. it became real. I got the position as head J.C. next year. And Im ready to shout it to the world. Im ready to make the phone calls saying thanks, and Im so excited to work with you again. Im ready to come out of my shell and feel it with all the people who have helped me get here. I could not be more excited and I am so fortunate to be working with Jess. And more than anything else, I am absolutely blown away that I have been given this perfect opportunity to give back, to work my butt off so more kids, more counselors, more people on the side lines can feel what I feel and experience it and live it and love it and turn it into their life.

It makes me tear up when I think of how this whole journey started and has progressed. Its a mix of timing and luck and universe aligning that has allowed me to go through all these steps and now gets to take it one step further. To work with Jess to make it ours and to build it and to watch it continue to rock people's world but to change and grow little by little at the same time. To empower people. To be empowered and to continue the forever journey and life filled with the RYLA magic. Thank you universe, you have done me far better than I could have ever asked.

Needless to say all that love and emotion and dancing heart and reminder of how good the Universe is to me sent me a little note saying "hey brat, stop with the "bored" and get in the game!"

Im ready to focus and be motivated and get out of these classes all there is to get out of them. I just needed a little break, and maybe a slight slap in the face :)

Hmm. so content. Goodnight! happy monday :)

happy weekend!

2010-10-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

HELLLOOOO FRIDAY!
hello I got 2 hours of sleep last night and am strategizing about how Im going to make it TO tonight ;).. not to mention through the night.

we played and adventured last night instead of sleeping which I was really needing because I was feeling a little BORED with this school thing. And bored... thats a bad word that I dont want in my vocabulary. Just needed a little change in the routine. So.. I decided to make myself really tired today. Totally worth it though.

It is October 15th, the end of week 4. Where is my life running away to and how do I catch up with it?
Just kidding, Im running right there with it, but man it flies!

This weekend is going to be full of wonderfulness. SCCAP fun tonight and Rolo, Natalie, Heather and some Interactors in town tomorrow and Sunday. SO EXCITING!

I hope I dont sleep through the fun tonight. Or fall asleep while Im walking between now and then ;)

HAPPY WEEKEND!

P.S- My mama and I have been talking about traveling. Seattle for Thanksgiving break, and a possible awesome trip before I go abroad :)! AND she made zuchinni bread and is mailing it to me. Man... good life :)

hermiting... peace, quiet and listening to me

2010-10-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

I grew up as the kid who would cry when I had two friends houses to go to and couldn't decide which one. I would cry if I was missing out on being with anybody. I had to be around people 24/7. I was the social butterfly who after every parent teacher conference had to be told again and again to stop talking in class. I was the kid who wanted to be everywhere and always wanted friends over and would fight til I could find someone to hang out with and was always always always talking on the phone.

Sometimes.. my friends call my Grandma.

Dont get me wrong, I still LOVE being around people. I love socializing. I love going out. I love every second I get with my friends.

But.. I also LOVE me time. I love being productive, doing errands, getting homework done, organizing my room, swimming/running by myself and gathering my thoughts in the process.

I even like being a hermit crab sometimes. Like tonight... I took a shower and got in my pajamas at 8:00, fully planning to spend the night in my room.. being a hermit. Or like this last week when I got the best news I could ask for and I ignored phone calls and didn't call back fast enough. I needed to process. I needed some me time. I needed peace and quiet.

I have learned to LOVE peace and quiet. I love staying in some nights when everybody else goes out. And I love that this weekend was a perfect mix of friends and fun and quiet and me time. Of errands and hanging out, of organizing, doing homework, swimming. Of star gazing quietly, of doing things on my time.

So... if your one of the people that I sometimes forget to call back. Know that it is nothing personal.. its just me being a hermit for a while. Processing, basking in the amazingness that is life, and preparing for the next big social endeavor. Cause the balance of the two= PERFECT.

Life is so precious. And sometimes it turns into a rat race of running from one thing to another, of giving so much, of running your battery low... so much so that you don't enjoy it as much, or you at least forget to enjoy it for a while. I think its important to process. To listen to your thoughts and your heart. To listen to the world or to nothing. And find peace inside... even in the chaos of life.

Let yourself catch up. With your thoughts or your homework or your reading or your sleep. Remember to take care of you, be a little selfish, be content with you. I have learned the importance of understanding myself, of taking care of myself and it makes life so full and juicy and overwhlemingly suculent. And I know there will be times in my life when other responsibilities will nag at my ability to hermit.. so for now. I will take full advantage of it.

Turn off your phone. Close facebook. Lock your door or go for a run away from it all. Spend some you time. I dare you

<3 xoxoxo

Ask questions, feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.

2010-10-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

i can feel my soul.

i can feel the universe aligning around me.

i can feel the doubt of putting it all out there for the world to see.

tonight i got another phone call, another universe kind of phone call. that will in the long run (not that long) be the determinant of some big choices I have been exploring.

I am mixed with all sorts of emotion.... excitement, joy, anxiety and a piece of me that is taking a rain check for some other ideas. a rain check happily taken.

I believe in fate. There was a day in my life that I laid in the grass under the sun and looked ahead and behind and realized I am alive.. I am going places.. and oh have I been places. I realized that life is so dang scary, but somehow it all works out. So... I believe in fate.

I think that the universe allows for a crazy mix of control, and no control at all. And sometimes the lack of control is the scariest thing ever and sometimes it is the most exhilarating thing ever. But I think in the end they balance each other out. Just when you are scared out of your mind cause things are reeling out of your control.. something in your life reminds you to hold on to the choices you can make. And just when the options seem endless and scary and like you could never ever decide, the universe grabs your hand and leads you in the right way.

Call me crazy, but I can feel my soul. And in all brutal honesty, me and my soul, thats what matters for now.

I am learning a little something about following my heart. From living and learning. But more... From a friend who knows the right questions to ask and sees life from the most wonderfully colored kaleidoscope.

Im learning the importance of this quote "Learn to follow your heart. Be quiet for a while at first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart"

Its telling me so much now. So much that I know is real and tangible and that just feels right. And that is sometimes scary, or different, or even not exactly as I thought it would happen, but for that reason, is just as dang good. Because the world is saturated with good people and good places. With things to see and learn and do. And because my heart is leading me to which ones work for me now. And with time, during rain and shine, moments of soul feeling and heart break, my heart will eventually find its way.

And for that fate. In nothing more than the universe and my heart. I am so grateful. For the confidence in this life.

And if nothing else, I hope you can find that confidence somewhere, cause oh does it feel good.

thoughts of a dreamer

2010-10-06T23:22:00.000-07:00

hello :)

these are the thoughts of a dreamer

of dreams that more often than i can understand come true

when the universe aligns in crazy ways

and the people of my soul support and push a little farther.

dreams that have gotten me where i am today.. because sometimes logic just seems like a waste of time

cause the logistics... those fall into place

the dreams on the other hand... those come from deep inside, from the universe and from this rollercoaster we call life.

dreams of california since I was 8... and what a dream come true.

and now... the dreams just keep going

instead of dreams while I sleep...the dreams keep me awake

thinking of all the possibilities

the places to see and people to meet and things to do

of going to africa, to el salvador, to anywhere that will scoop me up and teach me

of traveling the world and seeing all that is unknown

of driving up the coast, stopping, searching, seeing friends, and places that are new and old all at the same time

dreams of changing the world

of doing what they doubt I can do

dreams of conversations. of hearing and telling stories.

of pushing the limits of life

making forever friendships

adventures

life changing moments

dreams of forever being excited for life

forever having a passion for learning

forever adventuring, loving and giving back.

of being balanced and inspired and passionate

dreams that lead the way i live my life

moment by moment

that remind me that these moments

these are as good as those ahead

and these are how i get there.

dreams that make this life. right now. last year. in three months.

exactly how i've always hoped it would turn out

dream on baby

...the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

xoxo <3

inspiration. balance.

2010-10-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

sometimes its easy to get caught up in cumbersome things of life.
but the cool thing... its also easy to snap out of it. and remind myself of how much dang good there is.

I wasn't feeling particularly inspired this weekend. Or passionate. Or.. I dunno anything extra special. And I spend A LOT of time feeling lots of things extra special.. so I felt a little off. Not that it wasn't a good weekend, it was great. I just needed a little hey, life is SO much more than just life.

I had good conversations this weekend, with great people. Danced and laughed and relaxed. Saw my brother. Went for a run with the leaves falling around me and relished in the idea that its turning into fall right before my eyes and I love the way that it feels. Oh fall, so cozy, so wonderful, so much different than the week long falls of home, but definitely missing out on the aspens. It was all good. And I felt it all, but I guess I took the weekend to kinda go into that I don't really think about things kinda mode.

But that planned Sunday afternoon call. The nerves and trying to prepare before hand. The reminder of how much I love that part of my life. The conversation that sparked all the passion and love and gratitude for being a part of it.. it woke me right back up. It was my interview for Young RYLA head JC. Something that in all honesty has not been at the forefront of my brain the last two weeks while I've been here. I've thought about it but I've also thought about Africa and SCCAP and this life. And talking to Junior about RYLA and all we could do with it reminded me of how dang cool it is. And as RYLA head JC I will be doing the exact opposite of missing out, and if I don't get it, I will find another way to put it all into life. And Im so at peace with either way that it works out. And hope so much to get it so I could put all my love and time and energy into something that has given me so much, but its also not gonna kill me if I don't get it. And thats exactly where I want to be.

This place is SO good. SO inspirational. So full of extra specialness. And I love when I have moments of oh yeah, I LOVE IT HERE and have not a reason in the world to let my inspiration and motivation and excitement slip. Its just too good.

Tomorrow is Jack Johnson, and then first day of Arrupe, and then LUCHA orientation and department meeting and then the week is over again. Time is such a crazy thing, that can slip away so easily if you don't stop and think sometimes. And the busy days, the logistics, the stress, the constant running, its easy to get lost in. But then I open my eyes and my heart and my mind and see all the extra there is to get caught up in. And its all about the balance. And that was my problem this weekend I was just a little off balance.

Its about remembering to take care of all parts of you. Of the you things that make you feel good, of the friend things that make you feel good, the homework and work and responsibilities that you signed up for for a reason, and a little bit of down time to keep it all in perspective. Here we go week three, I'm ready now. Sorry I was a little behind :)

Its about pushing the limits, and stepping out of your comfort zone. And sometimes, staying in it too :)
Good night world. Happy Tuesday
XOXOXO

pushing the limits of life

2010-09-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

hello wonderful people of my life :)
it is SO hot and i am SO tired. Its 10:20 and Im pretty much ready for bed... which is not freakishly abnormal in my current amazing living conditions. but oh do i have thoughts. so bear with me if my words dont work as planned.

last night Hayley and I went on one of our late night walk/talk sessions. For venting and dreaming and questioning and being best friends, figuring out life together. everytime they remind me of all the things i live for. the things that she too lives for and reminds me to live for. everytime they help me sort through the funny things in my head that i have just been mulling over, but hayley makes sense of them. everytime they refresh me and make me ready for whatever it is that is ahead. and last night... it was just what our restless, thoughtful, same page minds needed. we talked about mass on sunday, that gave us goose bumps and a faith in something that at other points in our lives scared us away. we talked about friends and foes and how justice is about love, and understanding differences and learning about each other. and more than anything else... we talked about pushing the limits of life. going farther and deeper. learning and loving more. stepping out of our comfort zones. challenging ourselves and making the best of every single moment.. cause they fly by SO freaking fast. i am so lucky to have Hayley in my life... keeping up with my crazy dreamer, thinker, life loving head. and being there right there with me wanting to explore and learn and grow. someone to forever remind me to push the limits of life.

so i got up this morning and ran.. i ran farther than usually, i ran harder, i got out of bed faster. i paid attention in class, said thank you more than usual, had my eyes and ears and heart WIDE open to all the things that surround me. and i felt ready to push the limits of life. I went to Discover... a mini group for conversation/community/thinking about the big things in life, I listened to the program coordinator for my position tutoring adults trying to get citizenship and thought of all the amazing things that could come from it. i pushed the limits. let myself be so whole and at the same time so open and so in need of more to complete all that i am. and that... pushing the limits of life. that is how i want to live everyday of my life. And when I live like that... pushing the limits of life. It leads to one exhausted brain and one super ready for bed shell :)

I also got the most wonderful email from my Zachy today. The boy who taught me more about life and boys and friendship and the world than any teacher or boyfriend or genius person ever could. He wrote just to tell me he loves me, and that he thinks Im amazing and that my blog inspires him. I teared up reading that. He's my rock and I love that no matter how far away we are, this so special best friend sibling forever love between us is as strong as anything I've ever known. And if he could only begin to understand all of the part he has played in making me into the me I am today :) I love you Zachy, oh so very much.

I went to the Adult Citizenship school that I will be tutoring at tonight, was told to not wear blue or red and if I feel uncomfortable call security to walk me to my car. On our way back to school we talked a little about growing up in places with gangs, lockdowns or just lockdown drills. About being asked what gang we are in or about knowing nothing about it. Then I read my anthropology about women being raped and not reporting it, about the meaning and effect that has on innocent women in country's where they are seen as free to be dominated by men. And I thought about how lucky I am to have lived so much of my life feeling safe. Feeling protected. Feeling like I can wear whatever colors I want, feeling like most of the time Im ok to walk by myself, feeling like if someone ever violated me and my space in any way shape or form my family would be their to support me in kicking that person's ass... however that may be. How lucky am I, are so many of us, to have the luxury of feeling safe, strong, independent and also supported by the system. My sociological brain goes crazy thinking about all the people that don't have that, and how important it is to be aware, cognizant, and empathetic to all the other things that other people have dealt with that we haven't. I also thought about how little I know about my country that immigrants are forced to learn, how I was born here and thats good enough but many people put months or years into studying "the" history, culture, language, stories... all of the things that are so far from black and white and still are not given rights to be a part of what I learned today in spanish should be una ensalada de intigracion instead of a mixing pot de asimilacion.

Just think about it every once and a while. About all the people in this country, this world. All the differences. All the challenges. And all the amazingness. Open your eyes and your mind and your heart and learn and listen and take down the judgements and the walls.. and push the limits of understanding. Push the limits of life :)

I am in a place where I am pushed to think about these things on a daily basis, where pushing the limits of life is easy with opportunities to learn and grow surrounding me. I love this place. I love being pushed to push the limits. Watch out life.. Im on a mission to push it, to have my world rocked a little, to learn, to step out of my comfort zone. And fill myself to the brim of life <3

Sunday Joy

2010-09-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

hello Sunday morning :)
I like the feel of today. Hayley and I are sitting in Mission City coffee shop, drinking chai, chatting, listening to music, just being. Sundays are great when you can just relax and be and dont have loads of homework to worry about. I went for a morning swim and now Im here and it feels like a great day. A great day cause Im here, in this place that I love with every single piece of my being. Because I had a fantastic weekend, perfect first Friday night out dancing, seeing people, being crazies and a great lazy Saturday. Because Im right where I am supposed to be and I know it every single minute. And cause Im ready for another week of classes that make me think and full days of sucking the marrow out of life. I LOVE IT!

Last night I pulled out my pictures I had printed the beginning of last year and looking through them they felt so far away. Like so much life has happened since then, so much growing and learning and changing. So much new and different, that it almost feels like those pictures are from a different life time. It was a weird feeling, its weird how life comes and goes and changes and you don't really feel like much is happening in the middle of it all. But you look back at things like that and are a little side swiped at how it all happens. Its a little bittersweet. But more so, just reminds me how good life is :)

I guess I dont really have a whole lot of thoughtfulness flowing out of me today. Life is so so good. Everyday I am inspired by this place and the people around me to be better and to do more with my life. I dream so much about all of the life that is ahead of me. And enjoy every minute of the now. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky. Someones watchin out :)

Hope your having a fantastic Sunday and dreaming big :) Lots of love from SC <3

slightly overwhelmed... extremely excited

2010-09-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

Blogging is my oasis. Sorry if Im flooding anything I might be flooding but I need a little processing time.

WHOA!!!!!!

You know that feeling when your throat feels a little tight and your stomach has butterflies and you feel a little tense and tired just thinking about the chaos of life. I feel like that right now.
This quarter is going to be CRAZYYYYY!
I have so much wonderful life to live that I feel like I might forget to breathe. BUT Im living too good of a life to even need too much breathing time. Ha. Those are the words of a crazy person. I have a little weekly schedule thing in front of me where I can block off classes, work, SCCAP office hours, Arrupe and LUCHA and when I look at it.. the blank spots are sooo few it scares me. I KNOW its good. And I KNOW this is what Im here for and Im supposed to be spending time doing all this awesome stuff that I am so lucky to be a part of. But um.. I could use a little time to get in the swing of things.

Too bad.. there is not time for swinging :) So... HEREE WE GOOOOO!!! HOLD ON TIGHT!

I love being here. I love being slammed busy but loving every minute of the things I am doing. I love being surrounded by people who are just as busy and excited and full of life. I love feeling like there are so many opportunities, so many ways to fill my time. I LOVE IT!

I just might need a little reminder to breathe sometimes. To sleep. To exercise. And to eat normally.

Im gonna make this quarter fantastic. And stay on top of my game and love it. Cause the train is a running so I gotta catch up :)

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now :) Time for bed! XOXO